Key Points
Narcissistic partners don’t actually care about your feelings once they’ve won your love.
Narcissists don’t want to hear about your day, your worries, or anything else that doesn’t directly enhance their lives.
If you go to them for sympathy or comfort, they get upset, act irresponsibly, or find a way to blame you for your unhappiness.
It’s very difficult for relatively normal people to understand how narcissists think and feel, especially in romantic relationships. During courtship, people with NPD act like they’re infatuated with you. They tell you that you’re perfect and that everything about you is lovable and special. They may give you thoughtful gifts and hang on your every word. Basically, they do everything they can to convince you that you’re soulmates and that they want to spend the rest of their lives making you happy.
However, if you’re not a narcissist yourself and have never dated a narcissist, you’ll be shocked when you discover the real truth. Once narcissists are confident that they have you and are used to having you around, they don’t really care much about your happiness or well-being. Life after an engagement with someone with untreated NPD quickly deteriorates in ways that the average person can hardly imagine.
Note: I use the terms narcissist, narcissist, and NPD as shorthand ways to refer to people who qualify for a full diagnosis of NPD.
Put simply, people with untreated NPD lack emotional empathy, don’t see others realistically, are extremely selfish, are extremely sensitive to slights, and tend to attack their partners over trivial matters that most people would ignore. Narcissists are incapable of creating a satisfying, healthy, safe, and mutually loving relationship.
What is a common mistake that people who love a narcissist make?
A common mistake that many people who love a narcissist make is expecting their partner to actually care about how they feel and whether they are hurt, happy, or sad.
They don’t.
They only care about how your feelings affect them and whatever their current agenda is. They may tell you otherwise, but unfortunately that is a lie. You will quickly discover the truth if you do any of the following and expect your narcissistic partner to be genuinely interested or respond in a positive way.
Situation 1: You want sympathy.
You are feeling depressed, and you go to your narcissistic partner for a hug, some reassurance, and sympathy.
Typical Reaction: The narcissist in your life will do one or more of the following:
Act like they are upset.
Pretend to care, but you can only keep up the pretense for a short while before they drift away or act bored or annoyed.
Related : Don’t Believe the Hype! “Narcissists” Aren’t Inherently Evil
Complain: “Why are you always so needy?” “Why are you being so sensitive?” “I picked a really bad time. I’m busy with something important.”
Blame yourself: “If you hadn’t done X or Y, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Make it about them and their feelings: “You’re bringing me down. Stop bothering me!”
Situation 2: You tell them you’re hurt by them.
Your narcissistic partner has been mean to you. You’re naive and think that if you explain how hurt you feel, your partner will apologize and treat you better.
Typical Reaction: The narcissist becomes defensive and upset and says one or more of the following:
“Go feel sorry for yourself somewhere else.”
“It’s all your fault.”
“What about all the times you hurt me?”
“Poor you! Get over it. Stop playing the victim!”
“Why are you blaming me for how you feel?”
Situation 3: You expect the narcissist in your life to care about how your day is going.
You want to talk about your day and expect your narcissistic partner to be interested. Or you want to share a story about something you find entertaining. Unfortunately, narcissists are extremely selfish and rarely care about anything that doesn’t directly benefit them or make them feel important.
Here are some typical narcissistic responses to this situation that show their indifference:
They turn on the TV or look at their phone while you’re talking.
They appear visibly annoyed.
Related : How to Tell You’re Dealing With a Malignant Narcissist
They interrupt you and start talking about something else.
They tell you that they find the topic boring and stupid.
They listen briefly while acting like they are concerned and bored. If it goes beyond 5 minutes, they find a way to end the conversation.
They criticize the way you acted in the incident you describe.
Summary
Appealing to an untreated narcissist’s emotional empathy or expecting the person to show genuine interest in you is a complete waste of time. At best, your narcissistic partner will pretend to care while actually wishing you and your problems would just shut up and go away. Trying to interest the narcissist in your day, or in something you find fascinating and want to share, elicits a similar reaction. The truth is that people with untreated Narcissistic Personality Disorder have very little capacity to care about anyone but themselves. You thought you would make a loving couple, but you can’t create a “we” with someone who is only capable of being “me.”
