As the events of the Ray Rice case continued to develop, several issues emerged. After he punched his fiancée in the face and then dragged her limp body, almost but not completely, out of the elevator, people were worried.
Aggression, gender roles, power, control, women’s rights, self-esteem, addiction, relationship dynamics, blame – the list could go on. What I want to focus on are the less dramatic, less physical acts of domestic violence. Acts of domestic violence that are verbal, emotional, threatening, coercive and humiliating. Those that may not be noticed by others because the scars they leave are internal.
I’m talking about the couple who looks happy and in love on the outside. They may be successful, have many friends, and be sociable. But when they argue, the husband (or male partner) is verbally threatened. He says things like, “You’ll have nothing without me, I’ll tell everyone (fill in the blank) about you, you’ll never see the kids again, you’re a whore, no one will ever want you anyway, you’re damaged goods and so on.”
You get the point. These phrases go beyond the sometimes wrong things couples say when they argue. These statements aim to make women feel worthless, afraid, and hopeless as if in reality they are the ones who will lose everything.
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Often, these verbally insulting statements are coupled with nonverbal threats of harm such as slamming doors, standing on top of a woman, shaking, grabbing, throwing things, or punching walls. Just enough to show how angry he is and how scared and out of control he is but without physically hurting his wife.
I can’t tell you how many times my clients have described nights like this and are struggling with how to make sense of it. The woman will say, “Well, yes, I was very afraid but he didn’t hit me or the kids. The holes can be patched up or he just doesn’t know how to express how much he loves me.”
The man will then say, usually with shame and remorse, “Yes, it’s gotten out of hand. But I would never hurt my wife or my children. I don’t know what I would do without her. I would probably kill myself.” There, there, the red flag. “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.”
This is one of the strongest statements made by perpetrators of domestic violence. It traps the other person, putting them in the role of taking full responsibility. This frightens them to the point that they quickly go from feeling like a victim to feeling like they have to be the savior.
Those on the outside don’t understand. They judge women all the time for not letting men do these things to them. What’s hard to understand is that a man who acts this way when he’s angry, drunk, or insecure is often charming, loving, and apologetic most of the time.
They also typically have traits of narcissists. Simply put, a narcissist is someone who is extremely preoccupied with himself. They can view their spouse as an object or a means to get what they want. In many cases, the wife can be a symbol of status and pride, a good nanny who provides them with sexual pleasure, and a good mother to their children. For the wife of a man who may have narcissistic traits and domestic violence, it generally takes years to understand what is going on, and throughout the process, there are a lot of ups and downs with love, passion, and fear.
So what good can come from Ray Rice’s position? Well, it makes talking about domestic violence relevant right now. It gets the men involved in the story because it’s the football star who is in the spotlight. It has ESPN, CNN, and other major media outlets discussing this issue instead of it being just a women’s issue.
This is all good. This is not only a women’s issue. It is a societal issue. It affects families, friendships, work, and mental health. It has affected your sister, your mother, your daughter, your best friend, or yourself. It is believed that one in four women is a victim of domestic violence. Let’s keep the conversation going even after the headlines on this story disappear.
