Let’s get to the right point because if you’re in a relationship with a toxic, emotionally unavailable, or narcissistic person and despite all that, you keep missing that person during the offline period, the question is “Does he miss me while offline?”Maybe he lives in your bones.
Especially around the holidays.
The answer is: yes. Your ex misses you the same way he was in a relationship with you…
Inconsistently.
I’ll explain.
As with many things, to understand the answer to the question “Is he thinking about me?”Or” Does he miss me while offline?”It requires that we decipher these questions first.
You already know this, but the purpose of no contact is to distance yourself from a toxic relationship and avoid being the cause of someone who caused you pain, so you can heal and move on.
Should you feel ashamed to even ask these questions?
Do you hard, banging refrain from “Does he miss me while you’re offline?”Does that mean you’re not healing?
Does the fact that you are asking these questions mean that you miss your ex so terribly that you are destined to be together?
No.no.
I wonder “Does my ex-boyfriend miss me?”It’s normal.
Maybe you’re obsessing over the question, ” Will she miss me? Does he regret what he did?”If you find yourself in a desperate pursuit in search of signs of regret or longing, know that such feelings are completely normal. If you feel as if your presence has diminished a little, or if the holidays lack their usual glamor due to their radio silence, understand that your feelings are true. You don’t lose your grip; you’re just a human being. When it comes to questions, ” Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did?”Remember that your emotions are quite logical in your situation.
If you are in a relationship with someone:
She provided you with inconsistent love, attention, and support Alternating between showering you with love and then ignoring you Never quite let you know where you stand and/or… It made you feel that it was not safe to be yourself and express your feelings…
Then please understand this: all human beings feel pain when they feel unseen, unheard, ignored, and abandoned in a relationship. I’m willing to bet you have a lot of experience with these feelings. You have spent a lot of time constantly waiting to be loved.
It makes sense, then, that losing your ex during a period of no contact and waiting for any kind of energetic flicker that person feels with one ounce of pain you feel is a lot like the relationship you were in, in the first place.
If you feel abandoned and lonely in a relationship, you will feel abandoned and lonely now that the relationship is over. If that’s all you know regarding your ex, you’re ready to feel that way.
If you are in this type of relationship, it is also probably true that, based on your previous history, you are ready to feel this way for a long time. Your body is now the foremost expert in waiting, absorbing, and hoping for a response.
If you make the decisive and courageous decision not to contact a toxic person, the truth is that at first, this period can feel more like the same kind of pain. Don’t be ashamed of these feelings. You are not alone in how you feel, but please be aware that these waves of losing your ex are not indicators of an irreplaceable person that you have lost. They are your soul, sadly calling you back to yourself.
But I can get it. For now, these waves have the look, feel, and taste of your ex. That is why it is important to establish yourself in the truth of how lonely, insecure, or hungry for love you probably felt during the relationship.
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If you do not ground yourself in this reality, your precious and lonely life will be lost. You will be waiting for someone who could not provide you with steady love when you were in a relationship with him, to constantly miss you so much from the relationship that they will undergo a personality transformation, see themselves as someone else’s oppressor, and constantly pursue anything for the first time in their life.
Now that you are out of the relationship, you are also safe to experience these feelings of loneliness because now you are doing what you can: minimizing exposure to a toxic environment that will inevitably motivate you, and make you feel invisible and helpless all over again. It takes a lot of sympathy, security, protection, and care for that kind of beautiful soul in you (who has been through a lot and survived everything) very slowly and carefully – let go.
So while you are boiling miserably and trying to heal at the same time, your ex gets to live a dream life without you?
No.no.
How should I know? I’m not a mind reader. Neither are you. What we do know is that toxic, emotionally unavailable, or narcissistic people exhibit a pattern of thinking and acting that remains constant. They are heavily armored people who are laser-focused on protecting their ego and self-esteem, at all times.
They may miss you, but like being with you in reality, they don’t do it well. She can’t miss you like you miss her, because she’s the whole point, not as emotionally equipped to experience true intimacy as you are. You (and everyone else) have been, and always will be, secondary to the survival of the ego. This means that while they may be thinking about you, their perceived survival pattern is based on superficial ego highs, rather than the intimacy and connection others crave. Giving you a signal that they miss you is very expensive, and because they can generate a little emotional currency, they will only be given to you if there is a selfish high that can be earned in return.
As you well know, the distribution of the highest ego levels will inevitably make you feel vulnerable and disposable. Providing a high degree of ego, even when you sincerely love someone and “get it” will never help you feel visible, audible, or secure because you will never perceive the little attention you receive as unique to you. It will not make you feel special, loved, or chosen. It’s simply something they want; that you are eagerly available to offer.
All this has absolutely nothing to do with your value. It has to do with the unchanging nature of the emotionally helpless person you are dealing with.
There is a quote associated with Maya Angelou that says: “I have learned that people will forget what I said, people will forget what I did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
For many people, this is a beautiful quote about human relationships and intimacy. It’s an honest, shorthand way of saying that relationships are messy, and we all say and do things we regret, but underneath it, all is the crucial nucleus of connection, the memory of feeling alive, extremely happy, and safe to be your true self in the presence of another unique and equally precious human being. For people who can experience such a connection is what we miss, crave, and never forget.
All human beings who can be emotionally intimate, miss each other in this way. If your ex has given you a measure of constant love and empathy and if your ex is not toxic, emotionally unavailable or narcissistic-please know that you have inevitably missed out a lot.
There is no one like you, and even though you have done things that you now tremble or regret, please know that what people remember, long for and Miss are the intimate, connected moments when they felt comfortable and loved in your presence. In the same way, if you can constantly communicate with your ex, you may be missing and grieving the loss of someone you love, but you are not starving for closure, love, or recognition. I was in a relationship where both people could experience emotional intimacy.
Does your emotionally unavailable or toxic ex Miss You in the same way?
Maybe in Millie a flash of nostalgia. But this is not because they do not long for you, on their way.
It is very sad (but very motivated) that traumatized people make such great efforts to protect themselves from experiencing any negative emotions that they miss real emotional intimacy with themselves. They miss empathizing with themselves when they make a mistake. They miss being at peace with themselves, during most of the moments. And they miss out on really missing you, not because you do not miss, but because it’s impossible to feel true intimacy with another when you are completely closed off on yourself.
So what do you get instead? More of the same as what I got during the relationship.
- Your ex will miss the person he was while he was with you.
It doesn’t matter whether he is alone, in partnership with someone who lives in a trash can, or posts photos with someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model.
We talk a lot about this idea that emotionally unavailable, selfish, and narcissistic people will go through rounds of appreciating you (showering you with love) and devaluing you (ignoring you or being completely cruel). What we don’t talk about is that this type of ex also goes through rounds of evaluating and underestimating himself.
It has been said many times before, but people only know how to be in the kind of relationship that binds them to themselves.
What does this mean? This means that regardless of the current circumstances of your ex-partner, he will go through moods and cycles in which he will feel either (1) completely worthless or (2) King of the world. This cycle will happen even if it seems that his life is better than it was before.
The person he was when he was with you will be missed when he feels completely worthless.
He will miss the man who was loved and focused, despite his behavior. A man with experience will miss a girlfriend/wife. The presence of his every whim will be missed by someone whose job was to be the perfect janitor. He will miss the guy who was with (fill in the blank with the status symbol) a girl. Even if you feel completely worthless at the moment, trust me, whatever you have that would remotely inspire jealousy in others (amazing career, eyes, skill, education, book collection, tomato plant, fill the void with literally anything) is what he will think and talk about, and may decorate for others, even if you swear up and down that he is “upgraded” to a different person or seems to be living a better life. He will miss the man who was with someone he could count on to be predictable and always there for him.
It breaks my heart when I read the comments or questions you ask: if these types of people usually thrive on drama, “Hoover,” and always ask more – Why don’t I hear something? And if there are times when he thinks about you and you are missing (in terms of how he wishes he felt about himself), why not reach out?
He does not communicate because this type of missing person is not rooted in an emotionally intimate connection of your own. It is rooted in the coping mechanism of managing periodic feelings of low self-esteem and panic. If it does not arrive, it will be to get a high ego and to confirm that you are still very much available and as expected in him.
If your ex feels chronically empty and unhappy in relationships and has no desire to develop new coping mechanisms, he will feel a vague hope that every remotely attractive person he meets will finally be the right one – the one with whom he will no longer feel empty and unhappy.
Thinking about you and missing you, after the relationship is over, is something like thinking about the last fad diet he was on, while he was following it. The diet that he hoped to succeed, seemed to make sense to him, but he found that he could not follow it constantly.
He may continue to feel the optimism he felt when you were together (the relationship at first felt perfect), and even the (short-lived) comfort (this relationship will work because it’s perfect and makes me feel like a king) that he experienced before concluding that your relationship will not work.
I am in no way trying to reduce your relationship. You are much more than just a strand of hope in a fad diet. It is only important to make it clear that your ex may miss the person he was while he was with you, but this is not the kind of “missing” that you deserve. He is short-lived (until he returns to feeling like a king again), inconsistent, and rooted in his ego.
This kind of missing you, even if he reaches out, will not make you feel supported, nourished, and loved constantly. He will feel very much the same relationship you were in because you are dealing with the same, emotionally helpless, ego-driven person. It will end up again the way your relationship ended before because this person will eventually return to the same feelings of worthlessness and consciously or unconsciously (at least partially) blame you.
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OK, but isn’t the point of no contact(you’re not supposed to talk about it) to make your ex regret losing you?
- “Does he miss me during any contact?”Your ex will miss you if he perceives you as different, flamboyant, and indifferent to his absence.
If you continue to maintain any contact, you will begin to feel less helpless, less invisible, safer to feel (all) of your feelings and to be authentically yourself. It may seem impossible and progress may occur at an icy pace, but it will happen. If you continue to maintain no contact, you will, plain and simple, forever be the girl you got away with.
But maybe not for the reasons you think.
If you are suddenly unpredictable, unfazed, and at ease. If your ex starts looking for a snack of evidence that you miss him, and you can’t live without him, he will never be the same, but he never finds this evidence. If all he found was an even copy (not only physically, but actively) of the girl he used to know…
This will once again spark that familiar vague hope that you are his ego Cup that will make his self-esteem soar for life.
Anyone who has worked through a relationship experienced emotional intimacy and can see the good and the bad in themselves and others understand that there is no such magic Cup that will make you feel good about yourself all the time.
Regardless, if you continue to leave him alone, your ex will think about you because he will start to gain hope that he was wrong and that you are the missing link in his miserable life. I’ve cycled back to its value.
You are again, a new fad diet. So again, he tries to become emotionally intimate with you, realizes he has the same defenses, and devalues you again.
Do not be a fad diet. Don’t give him the chance. Stay on your white horse. Be the girl that got away.
And if he sees you glowing and indifferent but has never indicated to you that he misses you, please know that he feels remorse, in the limited way that he can.
This means that there is no such thing as “signs that he misses you while offline.”If your ex calls you while you’re offline, it doesn’t mean he wants to be with you for the long term. He may be looking for an ego hit, missing the guy he was when he was with you or has returned to your status assessment and appreciation upgrade that he thinks you can provide.
If your ex works in radio silence during the no-contact period, this does not mean that he does not want to be with you. This means that he is the same person you were in a relationship with someone who only can love, and support, and now miss you – inconsistently.
Go no contact with a toxic, emotionally unavailable, and narcissistic ex will change you. Not making contact with this ex will make them miss you, think about you, and regret the missed opportunities for the ego high they used to get while you were with you. But not contacting this ex is unlikely to make your ex act differently from the guy you already know.
Imagine this. You are visited by the ghost of the Christmas Future who gives you a glimpse into your ex’s life, several years from now. When you see him, you feel a rush of intimacy. This familiarity is indicative of the fact that he has not changed. Not at all. He may be with a different partner or live somewhere else. Maybe he got a sweet new job. He may be a father, Mayor, or famous-but he has not changed.
There is no amount of money, status, partner, or change in circumstances that makes an emotionally unavailable person feel truly connected or intimate. You will see his life as an empty shell. He may have everything or he may have nothing, but either way, you see that he is constantly holding on to the person, place, or situation that will provide him with enough high self-esteem to pass him through the next day, year, life stage, and age. You see that he has looked back on his life with regret that maybe someone or something left behind was the life raft he missed.
And Where Are you in this vision? Are you taking care of, taking advantage of your precious life, becoming connected to yourself, surrounded by people who make you feel safe to be yourself, and living up to the image of who you hoped to be? Or will the ghost of Christmas in the future show you a picture of you, as you are currently: searching for yourself in the emotionally turbulent life of someone else?
Do not let the offers of you become the future you pray that a person who has not been able to constantly provide you with love and support will constantly miss you for a long enough time to change.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with losing your ex during the holidays and wondering how this season could go without you hearing from him. Please be kind to yourself and grieve the person you thought he was. Please hold on to whatever joy, peace, and bonding this season brings you. Be kind and careful with yourself, but also please look for him-he will be there for you when you are ready to see him. Lots of love to you and Happy Holidays.
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