Narcissists live and die by their version of the truth. Is it the truth if reality is distorted? The narcissist believes it is. Severe cognitive distortions and rigid unconscious defense mechanisms alter a person’s perception of experience. A person with narcissistic personality disorder typically uses extreme distortions and defenses; both of which alter reality to make it more meaningful to the fragile ego.
For example, suppose a narcissist loses a doubles tennis match. Rather than taking responsibility for the loss, the narcissist tends to magnify his or her partner’s mistakes and minimize his or her own. Denying the extent of his or her errors and magnifying the partner’s mistakes allows the narcissist the freedom to deflect responsibility for the loss and place blame on the partner. The narcissist protects the vulnerable ego by deflecting, projecting, minimizing, displacing, denying, and blaming. By unconsciously altering reality, the narcissist exonerates himself or herself.
In contrast to the narcissist’s severe, unconscious distortions and defenses, a person who works hard to be aware of cognitive distortions and defenses has insight. One of the hallmarks of a person with a healthy defense structure is insight. Self-awareness and the ability to self-reflect allows a person to take an honest and realistic view of themselves and the situation, leading to the ability to honestly acknowledge a mistake, feel genuine remorse, learn from it, and grow. A person may have a unique perception of an event, but they remain closely connected to reality because they are not influenced by a rigid unconscious defense structure or overactive distortions.
Unfortunately, this poses a problem. If narcissists lack insight and the ability to self-reflect, they may not be aware of their distortions. How can we expect them to be accountable if awareness of what they are doing is nonexistent? However, if they are not held accountable for their actions, they are free to blame and abuse others when they are the guilty party.
The answer to this question can be complex but enlightening. The narcissist may not be aware of their unconscious distortions and heightened defenses but is somewhat aware of their behavior. The problem with the narcissist’s mind is that distortions justify negative behavior. The narcissist feels entitled to “teach someone a lesson” and often does so inappropriately.
For example, let’s say a narcissist believes he or she is a fair and just supervisor, but because of his or her distorted black-and-white thinking, he or she idealizes many employees and devalues others. When a disgruntled employee gets tired of being treated poorly and asks for a transfer, the narcissist acts out in anger and vengeance. He or she calls the employee’s potential new supervisor and sabotages the employee’s transfer attempt. Keeping the person in check, he or she continues to punish the employee passive-aggressively.
In this example, the narcissist is unaware of his or her role in the conflict. He or she is unaware of his or her idealizing and devaluing defense mechanisms, but he or she is well aware of his or her actions and feels completely justified and right in behaving the way he or she does.
This makes it nearly impossible to resolve the conflict with the narcissist. He or she sides with a distorted version of reality, which fuels a tendency to bully and abuse others. When the person offers a more realistic account, the narcissist reacts as if the person is lying, which is confusing.
Additionally, there are two instances where the narcissist appears to be in charge but is manipulating. First, the narcissist often unconsciously adopts the victim position. Second, when confronted by someone with more power, the narcissist often feigns remorse but does not feel genuine remorse, as evidenced by ongoing misconduct.
For example, let’s say the narcissist forgets his wife’s birthday. Faced with the realization that there is no way to deflect accountability, he unconsciously resorts to the victim position. “You didn’t remind me. All I do is work to support you, so it’s no wonder I forgot. I work hard for you—I don’t have time to remember anything else!” Or “My ex forgets my birthday every year, so it shouldn’t be a big deal that I forgot your birthday once.”
While it may be true that he works hard or has an ex who forgot his birthday, the rest of the anger is that he is playing the victim to evade responsibility. By acting as if he is the one who was wronged, he is shifting the blame onto his partner. By conveniently justifying his behavior, he is spinning a cognitive distortion and reinventing himself as the real victim.
A second example of a narcissist appearing to be responsible, but not truly embodying honest accountability, occurs when the person confronting them is more powerful than the narcissist. The narcissist quickly cowers and acquiesces. However, it becomes clear that the narcissist may not feel genuine remorse, as they readily engage in negative behavior behind the person’s back. When the hurtful behavior is repeated endlessly in the context of a personal relationship, this is evidence that the person does not feel genuine and deep remorse for the selfish behavior.
So, the answer may be more confusing than the question. Yes, the narcissist is aware of his behavior, but he is unaware of the psychological mechanisms that compel and justify this behavior. Therefore, the individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder must be highly motivated to address the issue of poor insight and self-reflection. If he is unwilling, the abuse of others may continue indefinitely.
