Do you love an abusive person, and constantly wonder how you can stop falling in love with someone who abuses you? To become free, it is important to understand the root cause of abusive relationships and why you continue to love an abusive person despite the way they treat you. Written by Dr. Elinor Greenberg
Clarence Darrow said:
“History repeats itself, and that’s one of the things wrong with history.”
If you are still in love with someone who abuses you both physically and emotionally, your main problem is your past, not your present.
It is very likely that in childhood you loved a parent who abused you.
Children love their parents and seek their approval, even when the parent is abusive.
Eventually, over time, your brain made the connection, and love became associated with abuse. In fact, for some people, love = abuse.
As one woman told me:
“How would I know if he cared, if he didn’t hit me?”
Your past love-abuse relationship has continued into the present and is one of the reasons you still love your abusive mate.
Unfinished positions remain in memory
Gestalt psychologists Kurt Lewin (1890-1941) and Bluma Zeigarnik (1900-1988) theorized that unfinished attitudes from the past press to realization in the present.
Bluma Zeigarnik went on to research this topic and published her findings in 1927. This need for closure and persistence in our minds has come to be called the “Zeigarnik effect.”
Want to know more about why some people love their abuser? Read 7 reasons why people love an abuser
relationship “override”
One way to understand your choice of this abuser and your continued love for him or her is that you are trying to reach closure.
Your relationship with a parent (or an important early caregiver) was abusive and unsatisfactory. On a subconscious level, you chose a new person to love who reminded you of your abusive caregiver. This allowed you and your adult lover to recreate aspects of the abusive childhood relationship.
Your main desire is not to be offended again, but for the new relationship to become better than childhood. Subconsciously, you think that if this new person can love you the way your father didn’t, you will be able to solve the lingering issues from your traumatic childhood.
In essence, you were looking (and still are looking) for a “get over” relationship that ends satisfactorily so you can move on.
This makes it difficult to let go of your abusive lover because you unconsciously chose this person not just for his or her charms, but for the similarity of the way you both dealt with your previous relationship with your abusive parent.
How do you stop loving the person who offended you?
I suggest you go into psychotherapy and work through your childhood issues with your parents. You’re like someone who’s had their coat on a nail in the past and now you can’t move forward without first going back on their jaw.
Without working on the root source of your problem, even if you bypass this person, you may choose another completely unsuitable person.
Some steps to take now:
- Identify a caregiver.
It may help to think about how you felt during this romantic relationship and compare it to how you felt as a child. This can help you identify the caregiver who first created this pattern of love and abuse. - Replace.
When you begin to long for your abusive lover, replace their face and name with the name of the original person (parent or caregiver) who started the whole pattern of a dysfunctional relationship with you. - Reminders.
Then remind yourself that your abusive boyfriend is just a substitute for your father.
Children cannot abandon their parents – but this abuser is not your father. You can leave it. What your inner child wants is something your abusive partner can never give you.
