Adults can choose to live with or without a narcissist, and it is up to that adult to decide whether or not to weather the storm.
What about children, sons and daughters, who live with a narcissistic parent?
They have no choice in staying with the narcissist and are ready victims of his abuse because they have neither the knowledge nor the power to defend themselves.
How do they develop and do narcissists raise narcissists?
The parent-child relationship is extremely important with long-term effects, and unfortunately it can be easily manipulated.
Narcissistic parents, willingly or unwillingly, can inflict long-term wounds on their children through their behavior. It is the people closest to the narcissist who bear the brunt of the disorder and children are particularly vulnerable.
Narcissists are miserable parents because they are unable to put their children’s needs first at any age.
They tend to be somewhat better parents when their children are young and easily controlled.
Children are a captive audience, easily influenced and easily manipulated.
If the child tries to gain independence as he or she matures, the narcissistic parent(s) will turn against the child and become more emotionally abusive.
GoldenChild and Scapegoat Child Dynamics
Starting in infancy, children are trained to meet the needs of the narcissistic parent.
If the narcissist has more than one child, one child is chosen to be the “golden child.”
This is the child with whom the narcissist identifies most. The other children can never achieve the level of pride or love from the narcissistic parent.
Related : Living With A Narcissist: When Leaving is Not an Option
Another child usually plays the role of “scapegoat” and endures the worst abuse and shaming.
Although the golden child is not actually loved by the narcissistic parent (they are incapable of love), they will make the golden child seem loved.
The golden child will be praised just as the scapegoat and/or others are humiliated or ridiculed.
Eventually, the golden child matures and either realizes that their parent is incapable of providing love and acceptance or will continue to deny it and never accept that they were abused. If the child remains in denial, they are more likely to spread similar abuse to their own children.
For a child who realizes that their parent is a narcissist (or at least incapable of love), there are three options:
The first option is to continue to cater to the narcissist and allow the guilt feelings that have been instilled in them to push them in directions they do not want to go.
The second option is to limit the abuse by setting boundaries with the parent. If the child chooses to continue in the relationship (with boundaries), the child will be tested to the limit by the parent. The anger and negativity will be taken to a whole new level.
The third option is to leave the relationship. Sever ties with the narcissistic parent completely. Severing ties with the narcissistic parent allows them to gain their own life.
The scapegoat has only one option if they want to end the abusive relationship and that is to get out of the toxic relationship. They must sever ties with the narcissistic parent.
Children Are Sources of Narcissistic Supply
Sam Vaknin, a narcissist and author of Malignant Self-Love, writes,
“The narcissistic parent views his or her child as a multifaceted source of narcissistic supply… as an extension of the narcissist… the child is supposed to realize the grandiose, unrealized dreams and fantasies of the narcissistic parent.”
The narcissistic parent ranges from being extremely intrusive in some ways to completely neglectful in others.
Children of narcissists are punished with “discipline” if they do not respond adequately and promptly to the parent’s needs.
“Discipline” is used to enforce compliance and may include physical abuse, verbal abuse (tantrums, criticism, etc.), blame, attempts to instill guilt, or emotional neglect.
Children play an important role for narcissists: they are the source of narcissistic supply.
The natural dependence of a young child serves to alleviate the narcissist’s intense fear of abandonment, and thus, narcissists attempt to perpetuate this dependence through strict control tactics.
They are often overly controlling and attempt to micromanage their children’s lives.
The child can be the ultimate source of narcissistic supply (secondary).
They are always there, they admire the narcissist, they remember the narcissist’s “glory” moments, and because they want to be loved, they will continue to give and give despite never receiving.
However, when the child does not perform their primary function (which is to provide their narcissistic parent with a constant supply of narcissistic supply) – the parent’s reaction is harsh and revealing.
At this point, we see the true nature of this dysfunctional relationship.
The narcissist may react to the “breach of the unwritten contract” with aggression, contempt, anger, and psychological as well as physical abuse.
They attempt to destroy the authentic child and replace them with the submissive version of the former.
Do Narcissists Raise Narcissists?
Narcissistic parents are unable to meet their children’s emotional needs as they grow up, resulting in narcissistic or codependent children.
Although this is not always true, a narcissistic parent tends to raise a narcissistic child.
However, this outcome can be mitigated by “loving, compassionate, predictable, fair, and positive parenting that encourages a sense of independence and responsibility.”
Some children in narcissistic families discover how the selfish parent gets their needs met by other family members.
Related : 20 Traits Of The Narcissist – So You Can Spot Them Early
These children observe how manipulation and the use of guilt get the parent what they want.
These children imitate the narcissistic parent and develop a false self, using aggression and intimidation, and bullying other siblings and the other parent in order to get their way. These children become narcissists themselves.
More sensitive children, who are easily guilt-tripped, learn how to meet the needs of the narcissistic parent and try to win their love by accommodating the parent’s every whim and desire.
The child learns to suppress or deny all of his or her feelings in his or her futile attempts to win the parent’s love.
His or her aggressive outbursts, feelings of anger, or other negative emotions are not integrated into his or her development.
These children also develop a false self as a defense mechanism and become dependent on others in their later relationships.
