One of the most interesting traits of people with high narcissistic traits is that they can appear to be extremely attractive. When people who meet individuals high in narcissism are unaware of the dynamics that produce this trait, they are likely to find themselves drawn to these individuals. Although their extreme self-centeredness, selfishness, and tendency to manipulate people and situations will eventually come to the surface, the first impression you will form of someone high in narcissism is likely to be very positive.
There is a tendency to label people high in narcissism as “narcissists,” but in reality, the trait of narcissism is a trait that everyone possesses, to some degree. In its most extreme form, when it leads to abnormal behavior, narcissism becomes the core of a disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder. In popular parlance, these distinctions are lost and we speak of “narcissists.” However, it is more accurate to refer to people who do not have a personality disorder as “high in narcissism.” For the sake of brevity, I use the term “narcissist,” but please keep in mind that it’s better to think of narcissism as a dimension rather than a separate set of categories.
Let’s get back to the question of why you’re drawn to a narcissist. In part, it’s because these individuals have figured out how to attract attention through humor, charm, sociability, or a combination of all of the above. Narcissists, by definition, spend time and effort trying to look good, which feeds into our tendency to feel positive about attractive people. Imagine being the center of attention at a social gathering or even a business meeting—you’re likely to be easily drawn into their circle of admirers.
It’s one thing when you’re attracted to a narcissist, and it’s another thing when you stay close to that person over time. The same qualities that initially make narcissists attractive can become annoying as the weeks, months, and years go by. You can’t count on this person to be there for you when the going gets tough. They won’t have your best interest at heart, they’ll probably try to get you to do things for them, and they’ll never repay you for your generosity. They won’t share their fears and concerns with you, and you’ll feel like you’ve never truly gotten to know them. Why not simply cut the friendship short? Most people will likely do just that; they’ll eventually get bored and look for a more rewarding, mutually supportive relationship.
Those who remain friends with narcissists may have sacred qualities that make them willing to overlook these flaws. If you are one of these forgiving individuals, you may continue to hold out hope that your friend will change. You may see your friend’s narcissistic behavior as a way to cover up a deep sense of flaw or inferiority. Perhaps you have been friends with this person for years, and you know how difficult their early life was. Your friends wouldn’t be who they are without a very harsh mother or father who neglected, humiliated, or abused them. Yes, your friend may be superficial, talkative, and manipulative, but that’s only because they are trying to overcome their early upbringing.
Psychologist Ulrike Maass and her colleagues (2016) decided to investigate this question, and they proposed that “narcissists of different types cluster together.” As you can tell from these words, the theory behind the study was that friends of narcissists are themselves narcissists. In other words, the only people who can tolerate being friends with narcissists are other narcissists.
To test this theory, the German team asked nearly 300 pairs of best friends to complete a personality inventory in which they rated their friends on narcissism as well as other “dark triad” traits of psychopathy and Machiavellianism. The key to the study was to examine not only how well friends agreed on these undesirable personality traits, but whether they would see greater agreement on narcissism scores among those who were themselves narcissists.
As expected, the results showed that those who maintained long-term relationships with narcissists were high in narcissism. In interpreting the results, Maas et al. concluded that narcissists “like what they have” (p. 378). Narcissists not only tolerate narcissism in their friends, but they also don’t find the selfishness, arrogance, and bossiness that might drive non-narcissists away.
The core of the study was the concept of “self-regulation” among people high in narcissism. According to this view, narcissists need to engage in a range of protective strategies to keep their vulnerabilities from being exposed. The findings suggest, the authors conclude, that “similar narcissistic friends may help each other achieve such understanding by respecting the same life strategies, avoiding conflict, sharing the same mating behavior and preferences for competition, and displaying the same disinterested attitudes” (p. 378). These people create a group that allows them to continue to reinforce each other’s low self-esteem. Similar findings have also emerged in the domain of psychopathy and Machiavellianism, suggesting that once you enter the Dark Triad, you seek out people like yourself to reduce your risk of rejection.
If you have a narcissistic friend, do the study’s findings mean that you must also be a narcissist? If we define ourselves by the company we’re with, and if that company behaves badly, are we just as bad? By reading this, you may have now recognized, or suspected, your narcissistic tendencies. However, let’s return to the “saint” hypothesis that a true friend of a narcissist is someone who is completely loyal and forgiving. This concept was under-exploited in the scales used in this study.
Consider the possibility that if you are friends with a narcissist, there may be some unfortunate news about yourself that you need to accept. However, if, to be completely honest, you feel that your narcissism barely reaches a three on a seven-point scale, it is also possible that you are one of those individuals who simply prefer to see the best in people. You may have believed for years that your narcissistic friend needs your support and that this support will eventually translate into them leaving their narcissistic traits behind.
Whether you are a narcissist, the opposite, or (like most people) somewhere in between, your life is greatly influenced by the quality of your friendships. Knowing how to maintain these friendships can help you find that very special form of fulfillment.
