It’s tempting to give narcissists the benefit of the doubt, especially if you love one. You might want to believe that they’re unaware of their destructive behavior and that their manipulative ways are entirely subconscious.

Many people who have struggled to survive in a narcissistic relationship have asked themselves, “Do narcissists know what they’re doing?”

And you can understand why. It’s hard to believe that someone who claims to love you would intentionally treat you so badly.

Narcissists may not be aware of every time they’re manipulating you, deceiving you, or blaming you for something they’ve done, but they are aware of their overall behavior, much of which is intentional.

Of course, it’s not that simple with narcissists, so we need to dig deeper.

In this article, I want to examine whether narcissists are truly oblivious to the pain they’re causing or whether their actions are intentional.

AreNarcissistsSelfAware?

Narcissists know when they’re love-bombing you or deceiving you. They invest time and thought into their manipulations, ensuring that they have the desired effect.

There’s nothing wrong with a narcissist’s level of self-awareness—the problem stems from their lack of empathy. Narcissists know that a narcissistic rage will upset you or even make you cry, but they don’t really care.

One of the easiest ways to understand a narcissist’s behavior is to compare them to a dog (I know it’s not very flattering, but bear with me).

When a dog barks at you, they’re not doing it to annoy you or even scare you – they just want you to get away from them. They don’t think or even care about how their behavior affects you as long as it has the desired outcome.

A narcissist behaves in the same way. They can see that their behavior is bothering you but they can’t empathize with those feelings, so they don’t think about them any more.

A degree of pre-planning is essential. It would be impossible to constantly love someone and then devalue them without a certain amount of self-awareness.

Unfortunately, the self-awareness of narcissists is a little different from that of others. If we behave in a way that upsets someone else or is seen as antisocial, we strive to change and become a better person in the eyes of others.

Related : Why do Narcissists Copy You in What You Do and Say?

Narcissists don’t have this desire. They suffer from ego disorder, meaning they see their behavior only in terms of their own self-image and goals, so it doesn’t elicit the same self-blame in them as it does in others.

Do all narcissists know that what they’re doing is wrong?

Narcissists may have some self-awareness, but that doesn’t shed much light on the question, “Do narcissists know what they’re doing is wrong?”

We need insight into their complex thought patterns to answer that question.

While some narcissists may recognize that their behavior is problematic, others may genuinely believe that their actions are justified or even valid because they’re achieving certain goals.

Think of it this way—narcissists believe they’re perfect and superior to everyone around them.

In their formative years, no one ever told them that what they were doing was wrong, so they never learned to take responsibility for their behavior or learn from their mistakes.

Researchers at Oregon State University found that narcissists refuse to admit they made a mistake, and thus fail to learn from it. They lack the self-reflection to recognize bad behavior and the motivation to change it.

Even if they do admit they made a mistake, they refuse to take responsibility for it, either by minimizing it or blaming someone else for provoking it.

For example, a narcissist may recognize that cheating on their partner was wrong. However, instead of acknowledging it, they may shift the blame onto their partner, claiming that their partner’s coldness or inattention led them to this situation.

Essentially, the extent to which narcissists understand that their actions are wrong can vary widely. It is often intertwined with their established self-image, their upbringing, and their ability to self-reflect.

In general, most narcissists recognize that their behavior may be wrong but fail to accept that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to them.

Narcissists believe they are so superior that they believe they can break the rules and get away with doing things that others would flag.

Do narcissists know they are manipulating?

Not all manipulation will be premeditated, but the narcissist will be aware of their manipulative behavior.

So, “Do narcissists understand what they’re doing?” — to some extent. In some cases, narcissists not only realize what they’re doing, but are proud of it.

In other situations, the narcissist may react unconsciously, using worn-out patterns of behavior simply out of habit rather than conscious intent.

I have a few examples to help illustrate my point.

DeliberateManipulation

Imagine you’re in a committed relationship with a narcissist. However, their need for attention and validation is so great that they’re always looking for other opportunities to boost their self-esteem.

After a few months, he feels his narcissistic supply running low and seeks to create a new context.

He plans every moment of his deception, and begins to create strategic distance between himself and you.

Related : How to Take Advantage When a Narcissist Underestimates You?

He incites hidden arguments, withdraws emotionally, and begins to plant seeds of doubt about the stability of your relationship.

The narcissist then identifies a coworker who has shown a friendly interest in him and begins to spend more time with her, telling her that his relationship with you is on the verge of collapse and hinting at his emotional weakness.

He slowly escalates the physical aspect of their relationship, bombarding her with love to make her believe that this relationship is all he wants.

At the same time, he justifies the relationship, telling himself that he has every reason to look elsewhere because you are not giving him the attention he deserves.

When you finally discover the affair, he blames you for his betrayal, saying that you were emotionally distant and neglectful.

This is a clear example of deliberate manipulation. Not only has your partner set the stage for their betrayal, they have also set a target, pursued it, and justified the relationship to themselves while maintaining the victim role in their relationship with you.

UnconsciousManipulation

Narcissists may act unconsciously in a different scenario, but their manipulation will be just as effective.

Imagine that your narcissistic partner feels insecure in the relationship and uses passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate your emotions.

When you tell them you’re going to spend the evening with friends, they respond, “Oh, are you going out with them again? I think you really enjoy their company more than I do.”

This leaves you feeling guilty and conflicted, even though your partner is completely unaware of their passive-aggressiveness.

Their actions reflect their unconscious efforts to control your emotions in order to maintain a sense of security in their relationship.

Whether intentional or unconscious, narcissistic manipulation is confusing and hurtful. It may be the result of deliberate planning, or it may be the result of ingrained patterns of behavior.

Either way, the impact on those around them can be extremely damaging and emotionally disturbing.

DoTheyKnowThey’reUsingYou?

Narcissists may have some self-awareness, but they’re not in tune with those around them.

Remember, narcissists see others as extensions of themselves rather than as independent beings, so they believe they have every right to control and use them to achieve their goals.

This brings us back to narcissists’ understanding of right and wrong. They may know it’s wrong for someone to cheat on their partner, but they don’t think it’s wrong for them because they’ve rationalized the behavior in their minds.

From their perspective, they’re not hurting you, you were just in the way, so you accidentally got caught in the crossfire.

Imagine you’re a soldier on the front lines, and you have a choice between shooting an enemy or being shot yourself. In this context, you wouldn’t feel guilty for killing someone, because it was the only way to ensure your survival.

Similarly, narcissists justify their manipulations by viewing them as necessary for survival, fulfillment, and validation.

Related : Do Narcissists Accuse Others of Being Narcissistic? Yes, This is Why!

This unique perspective allows narcissists to emotionally detach themselves from the consequences of their actions. Instead of seeing their targets as individuals with feelings, they see them as obstacles in their path to getting what they want.

This lack of empathy and inability to see things from someone else’s perspective contributes to their manipulative behaviors.

In this light, narcissists’ actions are not seen as morally wrong in their internal narrative, and they may not even consider the possibility that they are causing harm or pain.

Do They Know They Are Narcissists?

Most narcissists know they are narcissists, especially as they mature. Researchers at Washington University in St. Louis have found that narcissists know they are narcissists and are proud of the fact.

They also know that others think they’re narcissistic, but they don’t care — they’d rather be liked than admired.

Researchers also believe that narcissists may downplay their behaviors to make themselves seem more acceptable. For example, if you tell a narcissist that they’re arrogant, they may take it as a compliment, thinking you’re justifying the trust they deserve.

Do They Consider Themselves Evil?

Narcissists believe their actions are completely justified. Although some narcissists intentionally hurt others, they don’t necessarily see this behavior as wrong or evil.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Do malignant narcissists know what they’re doing?” the most accurate answer is yes and no.

From their perspective, they may acknowledge that their actions can cause harm, but they often justify their behavior based on their own needs, desires, and selfish worldview.

This lack of empathy and belief that their actions are justified prevents them from seeing themselves as doing something truly wrong or evil.

Instead, they may justify their actions as necessary or even righteous within their distorted understanding of the world.

CanYouGetNarcissistsToUnderstandWhatTheyDo?

You may be able to get narcissists to develop some level of self-reflection about their behavior if you handle the situation correctly.

As mentioned earlier, most narcissists know they are narcissists but don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing.

They also know that their behavior affects you but they can’t empathize with your feelings, so they don’t really care.

As a result, you may find it difficult to get the narcissist to understand what they are doing. However, if you are determined, confident, and able to stand your ground, the following techniques may help:

Ask relevant questions

When you witness a narcissist making unreasonable demands, engage them. Ask, “Do you think this request is reasonable?” or “How would you feel if I asked you to do this?”

Hold a mirror up to the narcissist and encourage them to look at their reflection and see themselves from your perspective.

Don’t blame the person

Accusing a narcissist of being a narcissist seems confrontational and can make them defensive, so focus on specific examples of their behavior instead.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re so narcissistic,” you could say, “I noticed that during our conversation, you repeatedly interrupted the topic and redirected it back to you.

I find this kind of behavior narcissistic, and it makes me feel like you don’t value my thoughts or feelings.”

This approach highlights the behavior while also expressing your feelings, making it more likely that the narcissist will engage in a constructive dialogue.

UseHumor

Using humor can help the narcissist indirectly understand his or her behavior without making him or her defensive.

Let’s say you have a friend who constantly dominates conversations with their stories.

Instead of saying, “You always have conversations about you,” you can take a more humorous approach: “You must be the world’s greatest storyteller; every conversation becomes an exciting episode of ‘The Me Show’!”

This adds a lighthearted touch to the situation and may make them pause to reflect on their behavior. It also reduces the likelihood that they’ll feel attacked or defensive, creating a more open space for self-reflection.