In 2014, American rock singer Courtney Love opened up about her body image. Love, the singer and founding member of the rock band Hole, had recently posed for a photo shoot for Italian Vogue, and learned that the magazine had digitally slimmed her waist.

“I don’t have body dysmorphia at all,” Love said. “I’m actually pretty narcissistic about my body… I didn’t even realize how fat I was.”

It’s hard to say whether Love is truly a narcissist. Although narcissism is common among rock singers, it does attract attention, applause, and admiration from fans.

We should be careful about ascribing the term to people who haven’t been properly diagnosed (however, Love released a single a year later, titled “Miss Narcissist,” and painted the album cover herself—a drawing of a topless woman resembling herself, looking in a mirror).

If Love is a narcissist, her comment suggests that she’s already aware of it—and not ashamed of it.

But it also suggests that she is somewhat blind to the impact of her narcissism. She knows that she has an overly positive, perhaps unrealistic, opinion of herself—but knowing this hasn’t helped her develop a more objective view of herself.

Is this a common trait among narcissists? Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Let’s find out…

Are Narcissists Self-Aware?

In 2011, psychologist Erica Carlson and her team at the University of Washington looked at this question.

Narcissism exists on a spectrum—we all have some narcissistic tendencies, in some areas, and at some times.

So Carlson first measured the narcissism of a group of people using well-validated questionnaires, to find people at the upper end of the scale.

Once she identified them, she asked the narcissists to rate themselves on various areas—how smart, attractive, likeable, funny—things like that.

But she didn’t stop at the positive traits. She also asked about the negative traits—how arrogant are you? Are you power-oriented? Do you exaggerate your abilities? And so on.

Now, we know that narcissists believe they’re special. They have a huge sense of their own abilities and worth.

So it’s no surprise that they rated themselves highly on the positive traits. But surprisingly, they rated themselves highly on negative traits, too.

They must have some level of self-awareness to do this. So, according to this research, yes—narcissists know they’re narcissists—even though they may not use that exact word.

But here’s where it gets really interesting. Carlson and her researchers didn’t just interview narcissists—they also interviewed people who knew them.

Friends, family, peers, and colleagues were asked to rate narcissists on the same positive and negative traits—and the narcissists were asked how they thought people would respond.

As you might expect, peers didn’t have the same glowing ratings that the narcissists had of themselves.

But as you might not expect, the narcissists knew it. They knew how they were perceived—at least to some extent.

Do Narcissists Care About Being Narcissistic?

Carlson’s research raises some questions. How can narcissists have such high views of themselves, when they know that others have negative opinions of them?

Do narcissists care about being narcissistic? Is this something they would change if they could?

One possibility is that they simply don’t see these negative traits as bad things.

There’s a strong possibility that narcissists see narcissistic personality traits as good things.

Another study from the University of Alabama in 2014 found that narcissists view traits like arrogance, rudeness, and selfishness more positively than non-narcissists.

Arrogant? Would you be if you had everything I have. Power-hungry? Of course! I’m ambitious and entitled to power. Do I exaggerate my accomplishments? After all I’ve achieved, it probably seems that way to others!

In other words, what most people see as negative traits, narcissists may see as compliments.

These are things that can work, especially in today’s corporate world where the strong eat the weak.

As the famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright once said, “Early in my life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose honest arrogance and saw no opportunity to change.”

It’s also possible that they don’t care how people perceive them.

Research has shown that narcissists care more about what psychologists call agentic traits—such as dominance, productivity, and assertiveness—than about communal traits—such as honesty or kindness to people.

There’s a scene in the movie “Steve Jobs,” starring Michael Fassbender, that sums this up.

Jobs, the Apple co-founder, had publicly displayed narcissistic personality traits on numerous occasions, and was known for his abusive outbursts toward people who didn’t meet his standards.

In the scene, one of his engineers asks him, “Why do you want people to hate you?”

“I don’t want people to hate me,” Jobs replies. “I don’t care whether they like me or not.”

This is a scripted scene from a drama, but it sums up the attitudes of many narcissists.

Although narcissists are rooted in a very fragile sense of self-worth, they don’t care whether they’re liked, specifically.

Related : How To Know If A Narcissist Is Finished With You?

They care about admiration, worship, and respect—getting these things from others feeds their self-esteem. How others feel about them is far less important than how they act toward them.

For people who live with narcissists and have to deal with the difficult and often abusive behaviors they display, all of this leads us to another question – do they know they’re hurting you?

If narcissists – or at least some of them – are aware of how they act, and how others perceive them, how can they continue to act the way they do?

DoNarcissistsKnowTheyAreEmotionallyAbusingPeople?

The short answer is that it varies.

As I mentioned earlier, narcissism is not a binary thing, where you either are or you aren’t.

It’s a spectrum – someone may exhibit very low or moderate levels of narcissism, within the normal range of healthy human functioning.

Others may display very high levels of narcissism, which we classify as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

In addition, there are also different types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The most severe type is “malignant narcissism.” This type of trait can overlap with those of psychopaths or psychopaths, making these people often malicious and cruel.

While some narcissists can have (or at least show) empathy, malignant narcissists are less likely to do so.

“Vulnerable narcissists” alternate between classic grandiose narcissism and feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy—often accompanied by anger.

“High-functioning narcissists” are often articulate, charming, and ambitious. They tend to be sexually provocative and have a higher level of interpersonal skills.

Intentional Abuse

As you might imagine, malignant narcissists can be more calculating than other narcissists.

They may plan ways to cause pain—either emotional or physical—because they enjoy it.

In these situations, yes, narcissists know they are hurting people—that’s why they act the way they do.

Vulnerable, high-functioning narcissists may also intentionally hurt others. However, in the majority of cases, this will be in retaliation, for the perceived harm that someone else has done to them.

NarcissisticInjury

We call this type of hurt narcissistic injury. Narcissists often have low self-esteem and high standards for the people in their lives.

They believe they are the best and deserve the best—whether or not this idea has any basis in reality is irrelevant.

Think of self-esteem as a bucket of water. You have high self-esteem when the bucket is full, and low self-esteem when it’s empty.

Most people have a normal-sized bucket and can fill it up themselves.

If you have a bad day at work, you can say, “Well, I messed up at work today, but I’ll learn from my mistake, and I’ll come out of it stronger.” And you’ll feel a little better.

Narcissists can’t do that. They have a very hard time filling their bucket.

So they have to rely on flattery and praise from others, and they have no problem lying, cheating, or manipulating to get it. And on top of that, they have a much bigger bucket than most people!

This combination of high standards and low self-esteem means that a narcissistic injury can be triggered very easily. Maybe you didn’t meet their unrealistic standards.

Related : What Happens When The Narcissist Knows You Have Figured Them Out?

Maybe they received a relatively minor criticism at work. Maybe you were complimentary to them today, but not enough to fill their huge self-esteem bucket.

narcissisticrage

Experiencing a narcissistic injury can trigger narcissistic rage. This is a state of anger, which usually leads to revenge.

If the anger isn’t very intense, it may just be a scowl or a subtle display of resentment.

But if they are really angry, they may resort to emotional abuse, physical abuse, or passive-aggressive behavior.

Narcissistic rage can take the form of self-harm. But do they know they are hurting you while they are in this state of anger?

justifying harm

On the one hand, yes, they do. If they criticize you, yell at you, or hit you, they know they are doing it. They understand that they are causing you harm.

They may also understand that what they are doing is unacceptable in the eyes of others or the law.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they think it is “wrong.” They may think their behavior is completely justified. After all, from their perspective, they were attacked first. They are just responding to that.

Also, depending on their level of empathy, they may not understand the emotional hurt they are causing.

That is, they don’t understand what it feels like to be hurt by the abuse they are inflicting on you.

Even though they have been hurt by others’ criticism and are now criticizing you, they may have a hard time connecting the dots and understanding how you feel.

They may even ask you if they’ve hurt or upset you. This may be partly because knowing that they can hurt you means that they’re important to you in some way.

Getting your reaction, even if it’s negative, means that they must be important. Otherwise, why would you care?

On the more insidious end of the NPD scale, this line of questioning may also be to help identify your vulnerabilities so that they know how to hurt you more easily in the future.

Unintentional Abuse

There are also instances where a narcissist’s behavior is hurtful—and may be classified as abuse—but it’s not intentional.

For example, a married narcissist may be having an affair with another woman. In this, they’ll only be thinking about themselves—what they want, what they deserve, and what they’re entitled to.

It may not even occur to them that their actions could hurt someone else.

So while they’re cheating on you intentionally, the subsequent pain they cause may be somewhat unintentional. They’re not trying to hurt you in this scenario. They may not think about you at all.

Some narcissists, especially those who lack empathy, may hurt you with their indifference and lack of interest in you.

This is more common later in the relationship when they stop the charm they needed to seduce you in the first place.

For example, if you’re upset and crying after a bad day at work, they may not realize it or respond appropriately or comfortingly. They may bring the subject back to themselves or to things they want to discuss.

In such situations, they’re not intentionally hurting you by being cold. They may not even know that their indifference is hurting you.

Do narcissists recognize other narcissists?

If narcissists have at least some awareness of their own tendencies and how they affect others, do they recognize other people who exhibit the same characteristics?

Well, there’s some evidence that narcissists not only recognize other narcissists, but that they tend to be attracted to each other.

In 2016, psychologists at Humboldt University in Berlin conducted a study of 300 pairs of best friends. They gave each pair a personality assessment, which measures narcissism as well as some darker traits like psychopathy and Machiavellianism.

The results showed that people who are friends with narcissists tend to be narcissists themselves.

Why might this be?

There’s a strong possibility that narcissists see narcissistic traits as good things.

Another study at the University of Alabama in 2014 found that narcissists view traits like arrogance, rudeness, and selfishness more positively than non-narcissists.

Steve Jobs famously liked and respected people who could stand up to him and give them as much as they got.

It’s also possible that narcissists understand each other better. Because they see others as extensions of themselves, they often treat them the way they want to be treated.

Perhaps that’s why Donald Trump is always trying to flatter other world leaders with compliments and praise—because that’s what works for him, so he assumes it will work for others.

So it’s not so much that narcissists think, “Hey, fellow narcissist, I better go make some friends!” It’s that they’re more tolerant of each other’s difficult sides, and that they may help boost each other’s egos.

Do narcissists know they’re narcissists?

We started with a simple question – do narcissists know they’re narcissists? Do they know what they’re doing?

The answer is… it depends.

Most narcissists aren’t purely instinctual creatures – they know what they’re doing, and they may know they have narcissistic traits – even if they’ve never heard the term “narcissistic personality disorder” in their lives.

But like everything else, this knowledge is filtered through their own system of self-defeating beliefs and justifications.

Knowing they’re a narcissist isn’t a moment of revelation that inspires change in the way that admitting to an addiction to an abusive substance might be.

In fact, many people aren’t just aware of their narcissistic tendencies—they’re proud of them.

As social psychologist Brad Bushman put it after a study that looked at narcissists’ self-awareness, “Narcissists aren’t afraid to tell you they’re a narcissist. They’re not ashamed of it at all.”