Do narcissists know they are a narcissist? Are they aware of their influence on others? And if that’s the case, why don’t they make a more concerted effort to change their ridiculous ways?

Day in and day out, you notice their obnoxious behavior. You watch them hurt people, maintain their egos, and ignore reality. It can be as shocking as it is annoying.

Let’s analyze this question …

Do narcissists know they are a narcissist?

To truly understand narcissism, you must understand the critical differences between ego-synchronized and ego-synchronized behaviors.

When the behavior is in sync with the ego, the person recognizes it as problematic and annoying. They may be embarrassed by this, and they also want to change their habits.

For example, someone with a compulsive gambling problem may consider their habit risky. They may want to stop gambling but feel unable to do so. They have insight into the problem, which may lead them to seek therapy, attend a support group, or try to practice alternative coping skills when the urge to gamble arises.

But when the behavior is stressed, the individual is unaware of its repercussions. Oftentimes, personality disorders, such as narcissism, are largely ego-stressed. A person does not realize that his reality is different from the reality of other people. They are convinced of their truth and reject any evidence to suggest otherwise.

With this framework, it’s easy to assume that most narcissists don’t realize there’s a real problem. Instead, they often believe:

They are private by nature and deserve good things.
They have the right to manipulate others to get what they want.
They can play by their own rules.
You see, these beliefs fit into the narcissist’s life, but they don’t quite fit into the general community!

What about self-aware narcissists?

It is a dangerous misconception to assume that narcissists are unaware of how their actions affect others. It’s not that they don’t see it — they usually don’t care.

Indeed, the current research reveals some interesting findings:

Narcissists generally understand that people view them less positively than they see themselves.
Narcissists realize that the strength of their positive impressions may wane over time.
Narcissists have some insight into their personality (they will describe themselves as confident, narcissistic, etc.)
At first glance, these results may seem bewildering. If narcissists have some insight into their patterns, why do they continue to engage in these ways?

As mentioned, narcissists do not view their behaviors as problematic. In other words, even if they think others don’t like them, they still think they have the right to play by their own rules. They still think they have somehow earned the legitimate right to be confident, arrogant, or controlling!

Most narcissists take pride in their personalities. They thrive on those they hate and are quick to argue with others. It’s part of what makes them feel alive and important.

Most of us feel uncomfortable when faced with challenges. But narcissists love to be in the spotlight. They shine when they receive negative attention. Likewise, anytime someone reinforces their decisions, they are reminded that they can get away with their deception.

At the same time, even if they identify that they have negative traits (such as being controlling, aggressive, or competitive), they can rationalize that as well. Either they blame others for having those traits. Or will they dismiss them as insignificant compared to all their exceptional qualities?

Overall, the world seems like a win-win scenario for narcissists. Even if they have awareness of their behavior, they don’t have the drive or nerve to change it.

Are narcissists just stubborn?

Narcissists are stubborn, but many people are, and this trait alone does not make them malicious or cruel.

It is essential to keep in mind how you can justify the narcissist’s toxic behavior. Do you ignore their attitude because of things that happened to them in the past? Are you making excuses because they are acting like a victim and convincing you that no one cares?

Narcissists are not stupid. They know how people operate and their emotions. For this reason, they can be held responsible for their actions. Belittling their behavior gives them more incentive to continue hurting you.

But can a narcissist change?

It’s the old question, right? With all this insight, can a narcissist change and become a better person? Can they accept feedback and grow from it?

To be honest, a life-altering transformation is unlikely. People can and do change, but that takes hard work, humility, compromise, and boundaries. Do you honestly think that the narcissist in your life is willing to make this dedicated effort?

Instead, narcissists tend to change in ways that serve their best interests. For example, let’s say you’ve always wanted to have a baby. They hung out and went back and forth on the decision.

But suppose you ended the relationship. You’ve decided you’ve finally had enough, and you’re ready to move on.

Guess what will happen now? It’s a miracle – they contact you and tell you they’re ready to have a baby! They were just afraid, they insisted! But now they’re ready to have the perfect family you’ve always imagined.

Have they changed their minds because they want to have a baby? Or are they afraid of losing their right to control you? What happens once the baby is born? Do you think they would move on and be a loving parent if they didn’t want a baby of their own?

Indeed, narcissists often make changes throughout the relationship. But if you pay close attention, you’ll notice that these changes tend to be tepid, non-committal, and difficult to track.

They give you enough snippets to make you believe something positive is just around the corner—but once they pull you back, they often give up on their efforts entirely.

Can sustainable change happen? Should you spend your energy and time hoping for this to happen? Should you sacrifice your emotional well-being in the meantime? Only you can make this crucial decision.

Do narcissists have any empathy?

Some people assume that narcissists completely lack empathy. This is not necessarily true. Narcissists may have some empathy, but they tend to be selective and tentative.

It sometimes seems that narcissists can feel empathy. They may cry when someone dies. They seem to feel empathy if they see someone being bullied or cheated on.

But although they may show empathy, they often don’t feel true remorse or remorse for their wrong actions. Their empathy tends to be at the surface level. It does not define their values nor guide them to make sound decisions in their relationships.

In addition, most narcissists are somewhat skilled at cognitive empathy, which means they imagine themselves in your shoes and try to manipulate the situation to serve their needs. Make no mistake – this generosity is not altruistic. They want to take care of themselves, and they’ll do whatever they can to make that happen.

Is it worth telling the narcissist how you feel?

Should you say something when a narcissist hurts your feelings? Will your sincerity affect them?

It can be tempting to reveal yourself to narcissists. They probably deserve to be put in their place, right? But when you take stock of the situation, you’ll realize that your disclosure often does more harm than good.

When you share your feelings with a narcissist, a few things may happen. These positions include:

They mock or make fun of your emotions, which makes you feel even more ashamed.
They highlight your reality and tell you that you are imagining things.
They use it against you by insulting you.
They seem to listen but then use your words to attack you.
They share your feelings with everyone else and completely breach your trust.
None of these situations are ideal, yet you’ve likely encountered them time and time again. Narcissists only care about your feelings if they align with your own. They’re just not interested in a fact that doesn’t fit their specific narrative.