Narcissism is a term people throw around in everyday conversation, but understanding the inner workings of narcissists—particularly when it comes to empathy, remorse, and their ability to feel sorry—requires a deeper exploration. At first glance, it may seem that narcissists are incapable of feeling sorry, as their behavior often appears selfish, cold, and detached from the feelings of others. But is it possible for them to feel sorry, and if so, what does that look like?

In this article, we’ll take a closer look at the psychology behind narcissism, explore whether narcissists can feel sorry, and delve into how they actually process their emotions. You’ll also gain insight into how to deal with narcissists if you find yourself in a relationship with them—whether personal or professional.

WhatIsNarcissismAnyway?

Before we dive into the main question, let’s first define narcissism.

Narcissism refers to a personality trait or disorder that involves an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. It is part of the broader spectrum of personality disorders and, in extreme cases, can develop into narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Narcissists often see the world through a selfish lens, believing that their needs, desires, and feelings are more important than others. As a result, they may struggle to empathize with those around them, and their actions may seem selfish or even hurtful.

Can Narcissists Feel Sorry?

The Big Question: Do Narcissists Feel Sorry?

The answer is complex, and depends on the type of narcissist and the situation at hand. Narcissists have difficulty with empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Empathy plays an important role in feelings of guilt or remorse — two emotions that are often linked to the ability to sincerely apologize.

Let’s explain why it’s so hard for narcissists to feel sorry:

1. Lack of Empathy

One of the key traits of narcissism is a lack of true empathy. Narcissists aren’t necessarily incapable of recognizing other people’s feelings, but they often don’t connect with them or care about them. Instead of feeling guilty about how their actions have affected others, they’re more likely to focus on their own feelings and how others have affected them. This makes true remorse a rare experience.

For example, imagine a narcissist makes a hurtful comment. They may recognize that the comment upset the other person, but their focus is likely to shift to how they feel or how it affected their image, rather than truly acknowledging the pain they’ve caused.

2. Superficial Apologies

While narcissists may occasionally say “I’m sorry,” their apologies tend to be superficial and self-centered. These apologies are often aimed at preserving their image or avoiding conflict rather than genuinely apologizing for their behavior. A narcissist may apologize to regain control of a situation, but it’s often not because they’re truly sorry for their actions.

If a narcissist apologizes, it’s likely to sound something like this:

“I’m sorry if you were hurt.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, but…”

Note that the focus is on the other person’s feelings, not the actual wrongdoing. It’s a subtle way of shifting the blame back onto the other person.

3. Guilt vs. Shame

There’s a crucial distinction between guilt and shame at play here. Guilt is the feeling that arises when someone realizes they’ve done something wrong and feels remorse. Shame, on the other hand, is feeling bad about who they are as a person.

Narcissists are more likely to feel shame than guilt. They may feel embarrassed if their behavior has negatively affected their reputation or social standing, but they may not feel guilty about actually hurting someone. This means that any apology or “sorry” moment they express may not stem from remorse but from discomfort over their damaged self-image.

4. Justifying Their Behavior

Narcissists often justify their actions rather than admitting wrongdoing. They may view their behavior as entirely justified, believing that they deserve special treatment or that they are simply reacting to other people’s shortcomings. In their eyes, they may never have done anything wrong—they simply don’t understand.

For example, a narcissistic boss might publicly berate an employee and then justify it by saying, “I was just trying to help him improve.” The idea of ​​“hurting someone” doesn’t fit with their worldview, so they won’t apologize in the traditional sense.

So what do narcissists really think about apologies?

While narcissists may not often feel genuine remorse, they do have a unique perspective on apologies. It’s important to understand that a narcissist’s view of apologies often revolves around self-preservation and control.

1. Apologies as a tool of power

For narcissists, apologies can be a way to maintain dominance or avoid losing face. If they’ve done something that threatens their public image or social standing, they may offer a quick apology to regain control of the situation and ensure that others still see them in a positive light.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or professional, narcissists often use apologies strategically. They may apologize simply to manipulate the other person into thinking they’ve changed or to distract them from the real issues.

2. Lack of Genuine Remorse

When a narcissist apologizes, their apology is often a personal transaction. They may apologize to end an uncomfortable situation, but their apology typically lacks the emotional depth that comes with genuine remorse. The apology can feel hollow, leaving you with more questions than answers.

For example, a narcissist may say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but their words don’t match their actions. They may show no effort to change their behavior in the future, making the apology seem insincere.

How Narcissists Deal with Conflict

Although they may not apologize in the traditional sense, narcissists know how to handle conflict, especially when it serves their interests. Here are some ways narcissists deal with conflict:

Avoiding Blame: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. They will blame others or external factors rather than admitting their mistakes.

Emotional Manipulation: Emotional manipulation is a tactic in which a narcissist manipulates someone into questioning their perception of reality. This tactic is often used when the narcissist wants to avoid accountability for their actions.

The Silent Treatment: If a narcissist feels upset or criticized, they may resort to the silent treatment — refusing to communicate with the person they’ve wronged until the issue is resolved.

Dealing with Narcissists and Their Apologies

Understanding that narcissists may not offer genuine apologies can help you manage your relationships with them more effectively. Here are some tips for dealing with these dynamics:

Set boundaries: Be clear about what behavior you will and will not tolerate. Narcissists often test boundaries, so it’s important to stand firm.

Don’t expect sincere apologies: Don’t expect a sincere apology. Realize that narcissists may not have the emotional capacity to offer an apology.

Protect your emotional safety: Deal with narcissists in a way that minimizes emotional damage. Keep your interactions brief and avoid falling into manipulation games.

Conclusion

In short: Narcissists can feel sorry in certain situations, but their version of an “apology” is often superficial and self-centered. Their inability to empathize with others, coupled with their tendency to justify their behavior, makes it difficult for them to feel genuine remorse. As a result, if you are dealing with a narcissist, it is important to manage your expectations and focus on setting clear boundaries to protect yourself. Understanding narcissism can help you navigate these complex relationships with greater clarity and flexibility.