If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist and experienced some of their trademark selfish behavior, you’ve probably wondered, “How do they live with themselves?”
The lying and emotional manipulation must eventually get to them—no one can be insensitive to the feelings of others, right?
To answer that question, you need to understand the psychology of a narcissist and how it differs from the average person. Their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors can be completely different and their reasons may not be obvious to those around them.
We’ll delve into whether narcissists feel guilt, but first, let’s take a look at what makes a narcissist.
Definition of a Narcissist
To fully explore the feelings of a narcissist, we first need to understand what it means to be a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality trait that we all possess to some degree.
Unfortunately, the term is used in everyday conversation in a way that suggests that anyone who exhibits narcissistic traits is a psychopath who lacks empathy and is incapable of feeling guilt or remorse.
In fact, narcissism is simply an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and whether this is considered a personality disorder is a matter of degree.
What we commonly call narcissism are examples of grandiose narcissism—individuals with extremely high self-esteem, charisma, a willingness to exploit others, and an overconfidence in their abilities.
It is difficult to imagine someone with grandiose narcissism feeling guilty; they rarely even realize that they are capable of doing anything wrong. However, grandiose narcissism is not the only way in which the personality disorder can manifest itself.
Vulnerable narcissism is the opposite of grandiose narcissism, at least in its root cause. People with this disorder are often introverted, have very low self-esteem, are overly sensitive to criticism, and feel intense internal shame after rejection.
While the grandiose narcissist is unaware of the feelings of others, the vulnerable narcissist is attuned to the feelings of everyone around him, at least in relation to those feelings.
Although vulnerable narcissism comes from a different place than grandiose narcissism, this doesn’t necessarily change their behavior toward others.
Whether someone is overconfident or insecure, they will still lash out when criticized. A narcissist’s ego needs to be protected at all costs, which often means discrediting or humiliating others to repair their self-image.
However, understanding how narcissists feel can help you understand what might trigger them and how you might be able to manage their narcissistic tendencies.
What Feelings Do Narcissists Feel?
It is common to describe narcissists as emotionless, but nothing could be further from the truth. They are not emotionally unfeeling psychopaths, but rather highly emotional creatures who have become obsessed with their own feelings at the expense of others.
They lack the ability to understand others when those feelings are not directed at them. The feelings they end up feeling depend on the type of narcissist they are.
Grandiosity Narcissists
The grandiosity and arrogance of the narcissist has an abundance of positive feelings about themselves, but is either indifferent or negative when it comes to others.
Grandiosity narcissists believe that they are the best at everything and that the world does not do enough to praise them for their talents. When they are fed a steady supply of narcissistic supply, they feel somewhat content.
When they do not get the praise they need, they feel angry and frustrated. They direct their anger outward, usually toward those close to them, until those people become afraid enough to give them the supply they need.
VulnerableNarcissists
These covert narcissists feel many of the same emotions you probably do—shame, insecurity, and anxiety.
Vulnerable narcissists desperately need to be liked and admired because they have no other way to regulate their self-esteem. Where they differ from emotionally healthy people is in how they react to threats to their self-esteem.
When called out for selfish and insensitive behavior, they react with anger, resentment, and a complete disregard for the feelings of others.
However, their aggression often turns inward, leading to even more shame and insecurity. When these feelings become overwhelming, they may lash out at others.
DoNarcissistsFeelEmotionalPain?
Grandiose, vulnerable narcissists are capable of feeling emotional pain, but they cannot sustain it for long. Emotionally healthy individuals can feel sad, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, or even angry without lashing out at others. They use emotion regulation techniques such as meditation, mindfulness, and reappraisal to reduce this pain or limit their exposure to it in the future.
Related : How Do Narcissists Feel When You Move On?
Narcissists take a much simpler approach to regulating their emotions by blaming others, belittling others, or engaging in delusional ideas about their own superiority. These behaviors occur regardless of whether their narcissistic personality stems from high or low self-esteem.
Do narcissists feel guilt and remorse?
The question “Do narcissists feel guilt” or “Do narcissists feel remorse” may not be the right one. We feel guilt or remorse when we do or say things that conflict with our values.
However, guilt and remorse are not actually based on universal principles. If you grew up in a culture where it was acceptable to kill another person, you are unlikely to feel guilt after killing.
In most cultures, murder is taboo, so the vast majority of people feel guilty about committing murder.
Don’t assume that narcissists have the same values as you do. Lying and manipulating may not bother their conscience, so there is no reason for them to feel guilt or remorse. Narcissists are able to understand the values of others.
They know what is and is not acceptable in society, and will make an effort to follow these values as long as the cost of doing so is worth the benefits it brings. However, if they do not believe they will be caught, they are more likely to act in ways that conflict with society’s values.
Do narcissists feel guilty about their actions?
Narcissists know when they have done something wrong, as long as someone brings it to their attention.
Grandiose narcissists, in particular, may not notice the damage they have done unless someone tells them; they are so concerned with their own feelings that they are oblivious to the feelings of others.
Knowing that you have done something wrong does not mean feeling guilty; it means a lack of the negative feelings that should be associated with making a mistake.
Narcissists will not experience any kind of guilt, they will only feel an unemotional awareness that people will not love them as much if they continue their abusive behaviors.
More than anything else, narcissists care about having a steady source of narcissistic supply, so losing that supply can be a huge blow. Thinking about these actions and their consequences is the closest thing a narcissist can feel to guilt.
Can a Narcissist Feel Guilt?
For better or worse, narcissists live in the moment. That’s why they need a steady source of narcissistic supply to feel good about themselves. If the supply is removed, even for a few days, their self-esteem begins to dwindle, and they need someone to pump them back up.
The fleeting nature of their emotional states makes it difficult for them to feel guilty.
Guilt is the product of introspection, of thinking about the pain you’ve caused someone and how inflicting that pain conflicts with your values. Narcissists, especially grandiose narcissists, are not known to dwell on topics that cause emotional pain.
Vulnerable narcissists will dwell on this pain, but only in relation to themselves.
Perhaps a better question is, do narcissists feel remorse? Absolutely! Narcissists understand when they make choices that are inconsistent with achieving their goals. Coming to this realization can make them feel sad or angry with themselves, which can manifest itself in remorse.
How to Make a Narcissist Feel Guilty?
We’ve already established that narcissists don’t feel guilt in the same way that anyone else does. They may express feelings of guilt, but it’s a calculated move designed to benefit them.
For example, if a narcissist attacks someone, they don’t feel guilty about it after the fact, but they may feign remorse so as not to push that person away and deprive themselves of access to narcissistic supplies.
Related : 8 Ways How Narcissists Treat Their Exes
In order for a narcissist to feel guilty about their actions or mistakes, they need to know that there are consequences. Let the narcissist know that you will not tolerate their actions and that you are willing to walk away from the relationship if they continue.
To restore your self-esteem, narcissists will begin to “love bomb,” showering you with gifts and praise. But these behaviors are short-lived, so make it clear that this flood of positive feelings is not what you are looking for. You want a lasting change in behavior.
Do Narcissists Feel Shame?
Shame is different from guilt in some subtle ways. While someone may feel guilty about a specific action they have taken, they will not feel shame as long as those actions do not define them as a person.
Shame involves a person’s sense of self-worth; when someone feels shame, they feel deserving of contempt outside of any specific behavior they have.
One of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder is a lack of shame. Whenever feelings of inadequacy arise, the narcissist pushes these feelings away with grandiose fantasies, actions that enhance their self-image (sex, spending money, insulting others), or attention-seeking behaviors.
However, narcissistic personality disorder is a complex condition with varying causes, and what most people think of as a brazen narcissist is actually a grandiose narcissist. However, other types of narcissists are actually capable of experiencing extreme shame.
Those who are high in vulnerable narcissism, which is associated with low self-esteem, neuroticism, and a constant need for praise and attention, experience shame on an almost daily basis. Shame is what drives their behaviors.
How to Make a Narcissist Feel Shame?
If you want to make a narcissist feel shame, you need to know what type of narcissist you are dealing with. If the narcissist is a grandiose narcissist, insulting them will definitely backfire. They are extremely egotistical and will try to turn the situation around to insult you. However, humiliation is possible with a vulnerable narcissist under the right circumstances.
Deliberately humiliating a narcissist in public, or even in private in the middle of an argument, is unlikely to change their behavior in the long run. You will activate their narcissistic defenses—denial, distortion, and anger toward the cause of their negative feelings.
However, in a controlled environment with a professional therapist, exploring feelings of shame can be extremely helpful for some narcissists.
As long as these feelings come in small doses, they can get to a place where they can experience these feelings without resorting to their narcissistic defenses.
They simply need help regulating their emotions and building their self-image without needing a constant source of narcissistic supply.
TheUniqueGuilt of Narcissism
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complex mental illness to treat. Grandiose narcissists may not believe there is anything wrong with them—they are just living in a society that does not live up to their standards.
Vulnerable narcissists are so sensitive to criticism that it is extremely difficult to penetrate their defense mechanisms. However, narcissists can always be counted on to do what’s best for them, and you can use this to your advantage.
The most important thing to remember when trying to make a narcissist feel ashamed or guilty is that their defense mechanisms will be on high alert.
You need to make them understand how much you’ve hurt them, but without making them feel like they’re under attack. It’s a difficult balancing act, and one that even professional therapists struggle with.
Once these defense mechanisms are turned off, narcissists are no more or less rational than anyone else. However, using guilt, shame, and remorse is not a great way to bring these defenses down.
You want them to feel positive about themselves, but without becoming a source of narcissistic supply. Once they feel better about themselves, they can begin to feel compassion for others.
