We generally assume that narcissists lack empathy, and we use this assumption to explain some of their undesirable behaviors and traits. However, there are circumstances in which narcissistic individuals do show empathy, which can be confusing. Many narcissists who appear to lack empathy for other people in their lives can express tremendous empathy for their pets, and may openly express sympathy for a grieving child or an injured animal. So let’s consider the possibility that narcissists are consciously or unconsciously unwilling to empathize, rather than simply lacking the ability to do so. If so, how do we understand their unwillingness?
A lack of empathy is often considered one of the hallmarks of narcissism. However, this is not entirely the case. The official psychiatric diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders includes “lack of empathy,” but this classification has a crucial qualification: “unwillingness to recognize or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.” [4] Not wanting to empathize with another person is not the same as not being able to empathize. The idea that a person has the capacity for empathy but does not respond empathetically may be useful for understanding the personality characteristics of people we call narcissists.
Empathy is the ability to think and feel oneself in the inner life of another person. [1] Some consider empathy to be an emotional response on behalf of another person based on awareness of another person’s emotional state. [2] Many definitions of empathy include the concept of perspective-taking—seeing things emotionally or cognitively from the other person’s position. [3] Thus, empathy can involve both a cognitive process (the ability to understand another person’s point of view in terms of what the other person is thinking or feeling) and an experiential process (being attuned to another person’s emotional response).
Some researchers have found that the cognitive functioning required for empathy, such as the ability to role-play or take another person’s perspective, occurs in a different part of the brain than the emotional aspects of empathy, such as sensitivity to what another person is feeling or experiencing. [5] Whether or not one is a narcissist, our brains mimic the emotions of those around us. This ability to unconsciously mimic someone else’s feelings allows us to reconstruct what others may be experiencing within ourselves.
Given the many and complex interactions we have with others throughout our lives, the ability to automatically understand what is going on with another person is a critical skill for successful social functioning. Some studies have shown a relationship between narcissism and lack of emotional empathy, but narcissists can nonetheless recognize and respond to the suffering of others, even if they are motivated to ignore such suffering in others. [8]
The ability to empathize does not preclude its use for bad behavior or destructive purposes. [9][10] Some people may be consciously or unconsciously motivated to withhold an empathic response to control a partner, or they may exploit their understanding of another person’s emotional state to manipulate them or gain power. By using their empathy manipulatively, for example, people with narcissistic personality disorder know how to trigger their partners’ insecurities and create attachment anxiety.
Let’s consider for a moment that narcissists do not lack empathy, but rather that their vulnerability and need to protect themselves limit their freedom to express it. They are consciously or unconsciously unwilling to empathize, not lacking the ability to do so. In certain situations, a person with a narcissistic personality may feel emotionally secure and vulnerable. The subjective experience of trust can be a powerful tool for narcissists, reducing perceived threats and allowing them to attend to the needs and feelings of others. [12] There is evidence that narcissistic individuals are highly sensitive to information that may cause them psychological distress, but at the same time, they may be oblivious to such information at a conscious level. At a personal level, when someone experiences narcissistic traits of helplessness or vulnerability, they are likely to automatically withhold empathic responses, appearing callous or refusing to take responsibility for hurtful behavior. How do we understand the personality development of someone who appears to lack empathy or has an unwillingness to empathize? The answer involves a personality organization that is scripted to avoid shame. Our emotional responses throughout our lives and the responses of others to our emotional expressions program or automate our behavior in various ways. [14] When emotions occur in persistent or recurring forms, we consider them to be dispositional characteristics of an individual or personality traits—attitudes that typically activate a coherent pattern of reactive emotions or written behaviors. Unfortunately, the language of personality traits overshadows the emotional states that motivate behavior. For example, we generally consider narcissism to be associated with behaviors or traits such as grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of empathy, but this obscures how these behaviors and traits are stereotyped responses to specific emotional experiences. Shame is the central emotional experience of narcissism, and narcissistic disorders reflect behaviors that either disguise or regulate shame.
Since empathic response often involves an unconscious assessment of one’s vulnerability to the experience of shame, the narcissist’s inhibition of empathic response (“unwillingness”) may simply be self-protective. This also points to the emotional limitations that accompany narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists do not consciously feel a lack of empathy or an unwillingness to empathize. Instead, in many situations where empathy might be expected of them, their limitations activate a sense of helplessness—an imagined vulnerability—followed by planned shame responses, such as fear of shame (fear of losing face) or anger at shame (protection from some perceived trauma or trauma from the past). [18] Thus, if you are in a relationship with someone whose behaviors are driven by shame avoidance, your job is to protect yourself because they will be consciously or unconsciously unwilling to empathize with you. Often, people who are experiencing disappointment interpret the breakdown of their relationship as due to their ex’s “lack of empathy,” inferring that they were in love with a narcissist. However, we may respond to our shame by attacking the other who was unable to provide what we needed in the first place, due to his limited emotional freedom. Instead, by accepting our disappointment and misguidance, and looking within ourselves, we can learn because we have the emotional resources and disposition to do so.
