You’ve probably heard the term “narcissism”: Professional psychologists, and some licensed practitioners, have been known to diagnose public figures in politics and entertainment with “narcissism” on social media or in the news. You may even be living with a narcissist as you read this blog and try to figure out how to free yourself from living with this person.
Narcissism is a surprisingly common personality disorder, with up to three million cases diagnosed in the United States each year, and many people presumably undiagnosed. Like other mental health issues, there are many ways in which narcissism manifests itself in a person’s daily life and relationships, and some people have more of the typical traits than others.
But what exactly is a narcissist? Perhaps the simplest example is that the term is said to come from the story of Narcissus, a character in Greek mythology who fell in love with her reflection.
The Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental condition in which people have an exaggerated sense of their importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
As a family and matrimonial law attorney, I frequently work with therapists on high-conflict child custody and divorce cases. I’ve dealt with my share of cases involving a narcissist on one side of the table.
Through this work, I’ve come to realize that one of the fundamental challenges of dealing with a narcissist is that some people appear charming and attractive to the “outside world” because they are master manipulators. Because the narcissist is a master manipulator with little capacity for empathy, he or she believes he or she can manipulate the divorce process to his or her advantage.
Additionally, if there are children, there is a good chance that the narcissist will view the children as his or her property or, as I often say, “another asset”—and certainly an extension of himself, which can make any custody resolution even more difficult. The narcissist will often fight to the bitter end and will find it difficult if not impossible to put the children’s best interests ahead of the narcissist’s desire to win the “asset,” even when the asset is his or her child.
So, what do you do if you are planning to divorce someone who has been diagnosed with or exhibits traits of narcissism?
It is best to work with an attorney and a therapist before you begin the legal process, as many issues need to be addressed and planned for before you officially file for divorce.
If you are already working with an attorney, communicate your specific concerns early in the process, including during your initial consultation.
If you are not already working with an attorney, find someone you can relate to and who you believe will stand by you through the process.
Ask the attorney during your consultation about any experience they have working with conflicting couples who have or are affected by personality disorders. Narcissists do not give up easily, and you need to choose an attorney who will go the extra mile with you.
In addition, consult with a therapist if possible. Having a professional with experience in this area can be incredibly helpful and help add perspective during the roller coaster of the divorce process.
Understand that your goal is not to “win” every battle. Instead of reacting, why not walk away? A narcissist cannot torment you when you are not in the room. Allowing yourself to get caught up in the cyclical logic that can define the way a narcissist deals is a waste of energy—and that’s the narcissist’s intent. Except when it’s necessary for the needs of your children, it may be best to interact as little as possible, avoiding any hot-button emotional issues, deflecting any legal threats or conversations with lawyers, and conserving your energy for other things. You’ll need that energy to get to the finish line.
Do your best to keep your children out of the conflict. You can’t count on a narcissist to put the children’s interests ahead of his or her own. Because of his or her lack of empathy, the narcissist often uses children as pawns, and because the narcissist may appear so charming to the outside world, the narcissist may try to turn your friends and even your children against you to gain an advantage in the litigation process. Don’t be surprised if the narcissist spins the story to make you the villain and the narcissist the victim, especially if you’re the one leaving the marriage.
Keep a record of any troubling interactions, especially those involving your children. Share this information with your attorney. Evidence and witnesses can be very helpful in proving the case of any child-endangering behavior in the event of a custody battle.
Keep in mind that while it is often better to resolve your case eventually than to proceed to trial when dealing with a narcissist, it may be better to prepare for litigation.
As I always say: The best way to protect yourself from experiencing any of the symptoms listed above is to recognize the signs of mental illness before entering into a relationship. Love should not be blind and the signs should not be overlooked or ignored. Be careful about who you are in a relationship with, whether they are married or have a child.
Most of all, it is critical to remember to protect your emotional well-being and the emotional health of your children.
