You’ve probably heard the term “narcissist”: Psychologists and some licensed practitioners have been known to diagnose public figures in politics and entertainment with “narcissism” on social media or in the news. You may be living with a narcissist as you read this blog and trying to figure out how to separate yourself from life with this person.
Narcissism is a surprisingly common personality disorder, with up to three million cases diagnosed annually in the United States, and many people are presumed undiagnosed. Like other mental health issues, there are many ways in which narcissism manifests in a person’s daily life and relationships, and some people have more typical traits than others.
But what exactly is a narcissist? Perhaps the simplest explanation is that the term is said to come from the story of Narcissus, a character in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image.
The Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
As a family law and matrimonial attorney, I often collaborate with therapists in high-conflict child custody and divorce cases. And I’ve dealt with my share of issues involving a narcissist on one side of the table.
Through this work I have realized that one of the fundamental challenges in dealing with a narcissist is that some appear attractive and charming to the “outside world” because they are master manipulators. Because the narcissist is a master manipulator and has no capacity for empathy, he believes he can manipulate the divorce process to his advantage.
Additionally, if there are children involved, there is a good chance that the narcissist will view the children as belonging to him – or as I often say, another “asset” – and certainly an extension of himself, which may make any decision. Foster care is much more difficult. The narcissist often fights to the bitter end, finding it difficult, if not impossible, to put the best interest of the children before the narcissist’s desire to win the “asset,” even when the asset is his or her child.
So, what do you do if you are planning to divorce someone who has been diagnosed as a narcissist or displays traits of a narcissist?
Ideally, retain an attorney and therapist before beginning the legal process, as there are many issues that must be addressed and planned for before officially filing for divorce.
Related : 8 Life Setbacks and Failures of Narcissists
If you are already working with an attorney, let him or her know your specific concerns early in the process, including during the initial consultation.
If you are not already working with an attorney, find someone you connect with and who you believe will support you through the process.
Ask the attorney during the consultation whether the attorney has experience working with disputing couples who have or are affected by personality disorders. Narcissists do not give up easily, and you should choose an attorney who will go the distance with you.
In addition, consult a therapist if possible. Having a professional with experience in this area can be a huge benefit and help add perspective during the difficult divorce process.
Understand that your goal is not to “win” every battle. Instead of interacting, why don’t we walk away? The narcissist cannot torture you when you are not in the room. Allowing yourself to fall into the merry-go-round and circular logic that can determine the way a narcissist acts is a waste of energy – and that is the narcissist’s intention. Except when necessary regarding the children’s needs, it may be best to interact as little as possible, avoid any hot-button emotional issues, deflect any threats or legal conversations with lawyers and save your energy for other things. . You will need this energy to get to the finish line.
Do your best to keep your children out of conflict. You cannot rely on the narcissist to put the children’s interests before his own. With a lack of empathy, the narcissist often uses children as pawns, and because the narcissist can appear so charming to the “outside world,” the narcissist may try to turn your friends and even your children against you in order to get a chance. The edge in the litigation process. Don’t be surprised to find the narcissist weaving a narrative to make you the villain and the narcissist the victim, especially if you are the one leaving the marriage.
Keep a record of any concerning interactions, especially those involving your children. Share this information with your attorney. Evidence and witnesses can be very helpful to make a case for any behavior that puts children in danger if there is a custody battle.
Keep in mind that although it is often better to eventually resolve your issue rather than proceed toward trial, when dealing with a narcissist, it may be better to prepare for litigation.
