And I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say:
It is exhausting to be married to a narcissist.
On the surface, they are charming and captivating, which is probably why you married them in the first place.
On the other hand, they are incredibly manipulative, selfish, and don’t care much about your feelings.
If you have been married to a narcissist for a while, it will no doubt be difficult to divorce them because they have made themselves the center of your universe.
But if they are a narcissist then divorcing them will benefit your emotional health and your life, so you must maintain the courage to move forward with this matter.
Here’s everything you need to know about divorcing a narcissist.
Before we start, what is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a real mental condition. Your ex may be annoying, frustrating, rude, or even arrogant. But if the step is higher than that, they may have narcissistic personality disorder.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated view of themselves. They believe they are, quite literally, a god.
Attention is what they thrive on, and admiration is just as important.
Because of these burdensome needs, you will often find that people with narcissistic personality disorder have poor relationships, volatile interactions, and a complete lack of empathy.
If it’s not about themselves, they’re not interested. Although these people seem very difficult to get along with, this is not entirely true.
Most narcissists are quite charming.
They bring you in with their confidence, arrogance, good looks, and desire.
For a while, they may put themselves aside, luring their partners into believing that they are the most important people in the world.
But, it always breaks down. Because the real goal of courting their partner is to have someone to control.
Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy road because it can take years to discover that the charming and often fun person you fell in love with was weaving a web of lies and manipulation.
So, how do you know whether or not you’re dealing with a naturally arrogant person or a true narcissist?
Is your partner a loyal narcissist? Here are 11 signs
While every narcissist has their different ways of manipulating, there are some key signs of narcissism that almost everyone can see:
- Believing they are better than everyone else
- Distorting the world around them to better suit their views
- You always want constant attention and praise
- She is entitled to demand special privileges
- Use guilt and shame to make others feel bad
- He often talks down to others
- They gossip, bully, and tear down others to build themselves up
- He lied a lot
- Tell others they are “crazy” or “can’t remember things”
- Isolate their partners
- He does not care about other people’s feelings or hobbies
12 Must-know tips for divorcing a narcissist
When you divorce a narcissist, it will not be a final divorce. Most of the time, it will be a struggle, so you need to be prepared.
Fortunately, these tips should help put you on the right track:
- Search for a specialized lawyer
Since narcissism is not your average mental state, you will need someone who knows how to handle confronting a narcissist.
It can be really difficult, but some lawyers have dealt with it before.
While any divorce lawyer can help you finalize your separation, look for one who specializes in confronting narcissists. Once you beat them, you’ll be glad you did.
- They will beg, plead, or even try to negotiate
Now, if you are the one who chooses to leave, be prepared for negotiation and pleading attempts.
They don’t like it when they don’t get what they want. And if they are still married to you, it means there is still something they want from you.
That’s why they won’t give up on you easily.
Most commonly, they “promise change.” They will immediately try to do things for you to make you feel amazing.
Once it becomes clear that you won’t budge, they’ll start threatening you by saying things like “You’ll be lost without me” or “You’ll never find someone good.”
Don’t worry, this is normal. You don’t listen and you are manipulated into getting back at them. Not worth it.
But don’t get me wrong, it won’t be easy to leave them forever. According to experts, on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away forever.
It is important to have the courage to stay the course. You will be very grateful in the long run.
- Don’t try to reason with them
Nothing makes you more frustrated than your soon-to-be ex. But no matter what rationalization it will work for them.
When you come to a narcissist with rational thoughts, he doesn’t care.
They’re so caught up in their vision of what happened, that they’ll completely ruin your point.
Save those rational thoughts for the people who care about you – your support team. They know the truth, and when you show them the rational side of things, they will be there for you.
- Breaking the trauma bond
In any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond – a connection between the abuser and the victim through intense shared emotional experiences.
To leave forever, you will have to break this connection.
The reason this bond was so difficult to break was because it was addictive. You’ve been abused but then you’re rewarded with love bombs when you do something right by your abuser.
This can impact your mental health as you can experience recurring bouts of stress and sadness when you are abused, but then your levels rise when you are rewarded with good behavior.
The victim often doesn’t know what’s going on, because manipulation tactics and broken love put the victim in a cycle of self-blame and desperation to regain their partner’s affection.
According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse, there comes a time when victims leave and during the grieving process, they begin to entertain the idea of being abused.
They finally saw the damage that had been done and realized it wasn’t their fault.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself and break the connection.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is this very powerful free video by Rudá Iandê.
World-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from the narcissist.
Rudá Iandê is not a typical shaman.
He made shamanism relevant to modern-day society by communicating and interpreting its teachings to people living ordinary lives. People like you and me.
A word of warning. The teachings that Rudá shares in this video are not for everyone. It doesn’t help you avoid your fears or smooth over what’s going on in your life.
This video is for you if you value honest, direct advice and want to be honest with yourself about what it takes to change your life.
Here’s a link to his excellent free video again.
- Limit contact with them
As frustrating as they are, don’t deal with them. Anything can be distorted or modified in this age of technology, so the less contact you have with them, the better.
If you need to talk to them, go through your attorney. You can tell your lawyer what needs to be said, and he or she can communicate with you.
That way, you’re out of the picture and they can’t distort what you did or didn’t say.
In Mind Body Green, Anais Sattar, who was in a relationship with a narcissist, decides to see her partner again after months of separation. Here’s why it was a bad idea:
- Don’t get emotional
Every narcissist will do the same thing, try to get a rise out of you. This is their main goal. Because when you get emotional, you become the person they say you are in court.
Then, the judge and witnesses see you as emotional or frustrated, and the narcissist ends up appearing rational.
Remember, narcissists are very charming and manipulative. They will paint a picture that makes them look good and you look bad.
The less emotional you are during the whole process, the better it will look. You can scream and scream about them in private all you want but don’t do it during your court appearance.
- Record everything
Since things like voicemails, texts, and emails can be edited, you need to record everything. Keep copies of emails, voicemails, and texts.
This is time-consuming (and annoying), which is why it’s best to limit contact with them. Before going to trial, be sure to send copies of any prior conversations to your attorney so they have them on hand.
You will also need to take screenshots of any defamation or bullying on social media. They can delete this whenever they want, so once you see it, take a photo.
- Make a plan
As you can see, it is not an easy process. Divorcing anyone is difficult, and divorcing a narcissist comes with additional problems.
Before going into trial, make a plan. Hopefully, you plan to separate all of your assets sensibly so you can move on with your life.
However, narcissists will not be logical. For them, it’s all or nothing. They want it all, and they will fight for it all.
Stick to your plan. At some point, you may feel like giving up, but it will be worth it in the end. Look at everything you and your husband own.
Decide what is ok for you to give up and what is not ok for you to give up.
Maybe you want the car but will have to give up some furniture. Or maybe you keep the house and the other person gets everything else. Every situation will be different, but break it down and create a few “must-haves” with your belongings, and forget about the rest.
- Create a trusted team
Divorce is a difficult and stressful process. You need a trusted team, and this goes beyond your legal team.
While your divorce lawyer may be the most important person in court, you need people to support you. Surround yourself with a team of people who are ready to fight for you.
These people will help you watch your children (if you have children), listen to you when you are sad, and encourage you when you are down.
This could be family, friends, advisors, or more. Create a trusted team of people you can rely on throughout the process. It may be the most important thing you do.
- If you have children, put them first
Sometimes, narcissists are extremely abusive to their spouses and children. If so, document everything so you can prove that you are the best person to have custody of your children.
However, if there is no documented abuse, your children will likely see the narcissistic partner. Divorce is hard on kids, but constantly complaining about your ex is even harder.
This is something you should keep out of their eyes and ears. Fight for custody, but expect them to have visits or parental time with the other partner. When this happens, encourage them to have a good time. It will do good in the end.
- Go to counseling
Narcissism is draining. It will take up a big part of your life. There will likely be a lot of thoughts and feelings that you will need to work through throughout a couple of months or more.
Counseling is a great way to help you through difficult times. When someone gaslights or bulldozes you over a long period, it can leave you questioning your reality.
You may feel lost or confused. It can be difficult to remember how certain things happened. Counseling will restore the confidence you lost. It will also help you develop yourself and prepare for a loving and supportive partner the next time you step out into the dating arena.
- Give yourself a break
Many people experience pain during their divorce from a narcissist. It can be frustrating, and you may be angry that you married them forever in the first place.
If you’re feeling down, give yourself a break. Narcissists are charming, and it is difficult to see beyond their facade. You didn’t do anything wrong.
You have to forgive yourself for choosing this person. Once you come out the other side, you’ll see how refreshing and liberating it is. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings, and then forgive yourself.
- Remember the reason you broke up with them
Now that you’ve ended the relationship and marriage, you’re probably feeling a little down. It’s a big change.
But those negative feelings you feel may make you question your decision.
You may start thinking about all the wonderful times you had with your narcissistic partner. Feelings will come rushing back and regrets will bubble up.
Don’t listen to those feelings. You have to keep in mind that they do not represent the relationship.
For example, you might remember all the “compliments” your partner gave you.
Don’t get me wrong, compliments are usually great — but when a narcissist gives them, they’re part of a technique called love bombing.
According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “showering someone with signs of adoration and attraction…designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”
So, to bring your mind back to balance, write down all the reasons that prompted you to break up with your partner in the first place.
In the end, this was a decision she did not take lightly. Remember these reasons, because if they are a self-serving narcissist, you have probably made a great decision for your future to get rid of them.
If the narcissist ends the relationship, write down all the negative aspects of the relationship. When you look at the relationship from the outside, there’s probably a lot of it.
For a deeper dive into strategies and techniques to help you get over your ex, check out my newest eBook: The Art of Breaking Up: The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of Someone You Love.
- It’s time to focus on yourself and how you can build a better person
It’s time to focus on yourself and regain meaning in life. Narcissists are skilled at making everything about themselves, so what has likely happened is that they have been the center of the universe for a long time. It’s a big change.
As humans, we create meaning through our relationships, and now you’ve lost a lot of meaning in your life.
But that’s also exciting. You can try new hobbies, or go to yoga classes and meet new people.
Whatever the case may be, you can expend a lot of energy on new activities because you don’t have to worry about a narcissist dragging you down in life.
Reconnect with people who make you happy. See this as a great opportunity to build a new meaning to life and a whole new self without the restrictions imposed on you by a narcissist who is trying to control you.
Psychologist Dr. Jay Winch recommends writing down an “emotional first aid” list of things you can do to distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about your ex.
You may not see it now, but after you’ve been separated from your partner for a while, you’ll start to look back and realize how toxic and manipulative your partner is.
You will almost breathe a sigh of relief and be so grateful that you were able to continue.
Don’t forget that dating is part of recovery. Go out and meet new people. You will find that most people are not narcissists and will truly love you for who you are.
Don’t try to find “the one” right away. Just enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. These people will be the breath of fresh air you need.
While there may be a lot of scars that come from dating an emotionally abusive narcissist, keep in mind that this experience will stand you in good stead for the future.
You’ve learned a lot about yourself, and what type of partner suits you best. You will also be more aware when a narcissist enters your life, and you can avoid experiencing this type of toxic relationship again.
Stages of divorcing a narcissist with children
When divorcing a narcissist, there are four stages of divorce. here they are:
Before divorce
This is when you file the paperwork, but nothing has been done yet. You may break up with your ex-partner, and make the decision together.
At this point, you can expect a lot of pullback. Whatever you say will start an argument.
Know what you want and stick to it. If you want to see the kids 50% of the time, make sure that happens. If you want more, click on it.
Temporary orders
Interim orders are when you first go to court. Your divorce will not be finalized, but the judge will issue temporary orders for you and your children.
Unfortunately, you will need to keep a close eye on them. Even if that’s not what you want, follow them. The last thing you need is for the narcissist to say that you are not following orders.
Final orders
If you want to change your temporary orders, you will work this out in court. Once everything is agreed between the parties (or ordered by the court), you will have your final orders.
Limited connection
Finally, the last stage is when you have to be away to start your new life. Having children with a narcissist is another level of difficulty. When you have to contact them, go via email.
