No matter how much you need it and how much it contributes to your mental health and development, many still experience separation as a great loss.
Loss usually involves a grieving process and the reintegration of what has been broken down into meaningful aspects/experiences in one’s life.
When the loss, grief, or grieving process is not recognized or accepted (let’s say you ended a relationship with a married individual and no one knew about it), it can lead to a phenomenon known as deprived grief.
What is deprived grief?
Deprived grief is a term coined by Ken Duca. Dispossessed grief is defined as ” the grief that people experience when they suffer a loss that cannot be publicly acknowledged, cannot be socially recognized, or is publicly mourned.”
It can be especially difficult for you to express your feelings of loss during the current pandemic crisis when you know that people are dealing with death, diagnosis, not knowing how they will put food on the table, and not being able to take care of elderly parents/grandparents. We often do not realize our loss. However, this lack of recognition may lead to this more complex form of grief. The combination of stress and sadness can trigger neurological changes that make coping with an already stressful situation seem even more impossible.
Related : Know When To Walk Away: 15 Non-Negotiable Red Flags To Look Out For
As much as we want, we cannot change what happened. The relationship ended and we grieved. And that’s okay.
Here are some tips for exploring your attitudes about grief and your specific loss during this unprecedented time…
Recognize your feelings/love for this person and confess to him. Your love was real, important, and valid; your grief is real, important, and valid.
Allow yourself to take the time and space to grieve because you deserve it. Whether he leaves you or she leaves him, there is that specific loss, as well as all the secondary losses associated with the relationship. Like losing his dog, or your weekend social routine, etc. You may even want to write “I’m sad about the loss………..”On a card and put it in your wallet, insert it into your phone, or anywhere you can easily reach. When others say well-intentioned but insensitive things (trust me, they will!) That reduces your process and experience, get to that letter, read it, and release/renounce what you were told.
Remember that you are not alone. This experience is a part of your life and not your whole life (although it may feel that way). Physical isolation can lead to an exaggeration of loneliness. Especially when there is no recognition or support for your loss and grief. What can be useful is communication. This is another way this blog can help you. You can search and share the experience of others who have suffered similar losses here in your tribe. Share your story with me and others here in the comments.
Make your grief ritual. You can hold a memorial, a burial ceremony, or a closing ritual for a relationship that has ended, even if it was a toxic relationship. Perhaps because of the nature of the relationship, you did not even share the existence of the relationship with anyone and here you are, it ended and no one knew about it, or they did it but did not approve of your choice. Why not create your closing ritual now? There’s no reason you can’t do a small memorial or burial. Consider whether this will be useful to you and what may be convenient. This doesn’t have to be complicated; it can be as simple as deleting old photos, donating his gifts to a thrift store, or taking a cleansing and healing bath.
Access to your tribe and support system. Although you are isolated due to the pandemic, you are not alone. Make a list of all who can be supportive (and what each of them can offer you in terms of support) and try to communicate before crossing everyone out. Make sure that you think about those who are a little outside your circle. Sometimes you find sympathy in the least expected place! This may be the right time to reach out to a distant friend. I’ve also found that sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know personally. You can always communicate with each other here.
Related : Trauma Bonding: How To Release A Trauma Bond
Remember that your grief and emotional expression from it are unique. Explore and decipher your grief. Journaling, art, photography, music, and other crafts are great ways to investigate your grief with compassion and self-love. Even if you don’t have the external support you want, you can still explore your grief and emotions on your own and practice self-compassion.
Consider giving your support to others experiencing deprived grief when you are ready. Although you may not be ready to support others right away, in the end, it can (and is) very healing to be a support to others. By acknowledging others who may feel that their loss is not recognized, you realize their right to grieve, no matter how similar or different their experience is with yours.
Like all things in grief, everything will ebb and flow.
There will be good days and hard days.
There are no quick fixes, there is no “natural way to grieve,” and everyone’s experience is as unique as their fingerprint.
These are just a few of the basic ideas, but if there are other experiences you’ve had or things that have made life a little easier in your experience with bereavement grief, please leave a comment. This is how we learn and support each other.
Remember, we all deserve our grief. We are physically isolated but we are never alone!
