Much has been written about narcissism in recent years: a narcissist is someone who often appears to be arrogant, self-centered, self-absorbed, manipulative, and generally conceited, to name a few. Based on the many descriptions of narcissism and its various subtypes (overt, introverted, passive-aggressive, situational, sexual, etc.), it seems that almost anyone is capable of being a narcissist, at least occasionally.
However, to avoid generalizations and examine narcissism more critically, it is important to distinguish between narcissistic behavior and pathological narcissism. Most people are guilty of narcissistic behavior at times, and this does not necessarily mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What distinguishes some narcissistic behaviors from pathological narcissism is frequency, intensity, and duration. While some people may exhibit narcissistic traits occasionally and to a mild degree, a pathological narcissist routinely uses destructive narcissistic tactics to gain false superiority and exploit relationships.
Here are two examples of narcissistic behavior that may not be pathological narcissism:
A coworker receives a public compliment from management, and a few days later acts selfishly and starts acting like a “boss.” However, a week later this situational narcissism subsides, and the coworker returns to collaborative work.
A friend who has recently entered a romantic relationship constantly talks about her new love, which dominates her conversations and social media. She even displays a sense of arrogance toward her still-single peers, making snide comments while enjoying her selfish romance. However, after receiving constructive feedback, she realizes her insensitivity, apologizes to her single friends and returns to a positive friendship.
In both of the examples above, the individuals in question could be described as exhibiting narcissistic traits rather than being outright narcissists. These examples are temporary lapses in good judgment.
On the other hand, pathological narcissists often deliberately create toxic environments and harmful relationships, all to exploit others to serve their self-interest. In addition to common narcissistic traits such as false superiority, arrogant vanity, and extreme insensitivity, pathological narcissists also tend to exhibit one or more of the following five sets of character flaws, with references from my books How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Toward a Higher Self.
Repeated Lies and Exaggerations
Many pathological narcissists routinely spread lies to make themselves look good and others look bad. Narcissists often resort to distortion of facts, misleading statements, personal attacks, blame, and coercion to achieve their ends. They also rely on these tactics to bolster their fragile self-esteem.
Entitlement and the Constant Need for Fulfillment
Chronic narcissists often expect others to be at their beck and call and to have their every need met. They demand constant attention and validation and can easily become upset when their needs are not met. For the typical narcissist, the world revolves around them.
Breaking the Rules and Violating Boundaries
One of the most striking traits of many pathological narcissists is that they believe they are “above the law” and “exceptions to the rule,” which gives them the right to violate boundaries. Chronic narcissists often encroach on others in social, professional, and/or financial relationships, which for them means superiority, “conquest,” and “winning.” The thoughts and feelings of others are not considered.
Negative Emotions and Criticism
Chronic narcissists tend to enjoy provoking and spreading negative emotions to make others feel inadequate and establish psychological control. Notably, they often blame their victims and show contempt for them.
