The question I get asked most often is, “Does a narcissist really love me?”

I look at the person asking me as they wait for my response in hopeful silence.

I have nothing to offer them.

I can’t lie—it goes against all my personal and professional ethics.

So what do I do?

I’m honest.

The truth has the power to hurt more than a lie, which is why people often lie to themselves.

I say, let’s look at it this way:

If a narcissist is as evil as we know him to be, how can he possibly experience something as joyful as love?

YouAssumeWhatYou’re Being Told Is the Truth

When you hear “I love you,” it can warm even the most vulnerable and insecure hearts.

Finally, you are loved and accepted. You’ve got this person—stop the press!

Related : THIS is What Happens The Day You Stop Believing The Narcissists Lies

Why assume anything different? They come out with those three magic words, and your life is completely complete.

Its Not Your Fault

The biggest pain point I’ve seen clients deal with when overcoming narcissistic abuse is the idea that they are unlovable.

They never loved me. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I’ve tried everything.

I always stop them. I stop them and review with them every aspect of the narcissist’s personality.

Inability to let anyone be more important than them.

Jealous by nature.

Entitled to the extreme.

Selfish.

Critical.

Always has to be right.

Hates to hear “no.”

Always stirs up trouble.

Loves conflict.

Plays quiet for fun.

Is this someone who truly loves you? How could they?

That’s not you.

Love and Its Meanings

You have a perspective on love that I want you to think about for a moment. Sit consciously in what you’ve learned about love and how it makes you feel.

You

You want to say, “Love is amazing.” I feel safe and secure when I am in love, and the people I have shared love with have treated me with respect and kindness. I value memories.

Related : You Are Probably Doing This One Thing That Keeps Attracting Narcissists

The truth is, you believe love is a feeling that needs to be earned. You chase it, because there is value in the chase.

No matter how much rejection you get, you fight to get the little bit of love you do get.

When you do, you want to celebrate and rejoice. You never care about the ninety-nine times they made you cry, you only live for the one time they made you feel happy.

The Narcissist

Love has only one meaning to a narcissist:

If you say it, they will believe it, but I cannot feel it.

Any other form of love is incomprehensible to them, which makes the victims feel the weight of it.

They are told they are loved, yet they do not feel it.

They stay because they want to wait to see if love will ever be possible.

Listen To What They Say , Don’t Do

When I tell you that love is an action, I want you to think about it seriously.

To do is to love.

To talk is to share a promise that will never become reality.

When the person you are in a relationship with listens to you when you ask for affection, support, time, love, and honesty—you do. You create meaning from their call to you.

What you don’t do is nod and say “sure,” and let it be. That won’t work. You can’t be satisfied with the person you love because your satisfaction with yourself will kill the relationship.

Narcissists don’t settle for that, but if you think, “They say they will do this and they’re forever hesitating about it,” you’ll find that there is a level of prolongation.

Related !: 8 Places Narcissists Look For Their Next Victim

This is largely intentional, because narcissists don’t really aim to provide you with what they say they will.

Lulling you into a promise is not love, but it leaves you waiting, wishing, hoping, wanting, and waiting for more.

That’s no way to live – especially if you’ve been told you’re loved.

That’s not love.

Acknowledge The Truth

Acknowledging the truth is the hardest thing to do, but it’s the catalyst for all of your narcissistic abuse recovery.

That’s where you start building the rest of your life. Without acknowledging that they never loved you, you’ll never be able to see the real reason they were there…

…They just wanted to provide for you, not you.

When you love someone and they don’t love you back, it can be a very difficult process to overcome.

What makes it better is the knowledge. You wish the other person would be mature enough to tell you that they don’t feel the same way or want to end the relationship.

If they did, it would cut you like a knife, but the knowledge is what can help you move on.

This is what narcissists never offer, which is why it’s up to you to give yourself closure.

Sometimes, their silence is the closure you need.

Often times, we reach for the text, the email, or the call.

I’m sorry. I’m not in love with you. That doesn’t work for me.

We rely on the other person to provide closure for us. This communication helps you understand what’s going on and gives you the answers you need.

Related : 10 Things Narcissists Do When They Meet Your Family

Narcissists never enter a healthy relationship, and they never leave one. From the moment you meet until eternity, they will always be the one who is still there in some way or another.

So you never feel like it’s really over.

Childhood Love

Like most victims of narcissistic abuse, your childhood home will be somewhat distorted.

You may or may not have had all the shiny things at home, but you definitely didn’t have the love you needed from a parent.

In their absence, they will somehow ignore your needs, giving you the attention you want only when it suits you or when they want something from you.

You will look for ways to try to get them to like you, like cleaning the house or painting a picture.

Being overly helpful so they notice and thank you. Hugging them and telling them you love them. Trying to do what you are told, and getting good grades.

It was never enough, except for the occasional flash of time when it seemed that way, and they said something positive to you.

Related : 10 Things Narcissists Do When They Meet Your Family

Spending your childhood this way sets you up for adulthood in a similar way. The tendency to seek out a partner who will appreciate and respect you is unfamiliar and was never taught to you.

So you seek out the familiar, because it’s natural to you.

But it’s not natural.

You can be loved.

It’s possible.

But it’s not possible with a narcissist.