Okay, this is new to you!

I was allowed to take over the “Narcissistic Life HQ” for just one day, and with Alexander’s special permission, I want to tell my story.

It could be your story too. I mean, there’s a good chance some of us have this in common. Maybe—unfortunately for you—we’re about to share it.

I broke up with a narcissist, and it was hell.

Hell because I made mistakes I wish I could change, but now accept I can’t.

It doesn’t have to be the same for you, and that’s why I’m here.

I’m your lesson learned.

I Thought He Was The One

I’m going to call him Adam. God, how I thought he was the one when we met 20 years ago. Within three months, we were engaged and living together.

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I guess that should have been my first warning sign, but back then, I didn’t recognize it as a warning sign.

I thought he was the “best thing ever.”

He was kind, smart, and loyal. He wanted all of my time, and I was so happy to give it. This made a world of difference. I grew up with a father who completely neglected me.

We had a beautiful home. There were five of us. On the surface, I thought we were a perfect family, but my father was nasty to me.

The sarcasm. The criticism. The fluctuating emotions. The way he made me feel like I didn’t care. Like I was a mistake.

So, when I met Adam as a young man, I thought I’d finally met someone who appreciated me and took the time to get to know me.

He promised me so much, and within weeks, he delivered on his promise of marriage and eternal life.

What I Realized I Needed

Looking back, I realize I was searching for the appreciation I never got from my father.

It was hard for me to accept, but once I did, it all made sense.

What I needed was myself.

Divorce came soon after, as I saw those 20 years as a complete waste of my time and energy.

Adam didn’t really stop me, except for his usual, “What would you do without me? You can’t even change a lightbulb properly.”

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He was right, but I wasn’t. For a while, I let that stop me from moving forward.

My Marriage Was ASham

Deeming my marriage a sham was hard.

I remember times when Adam was horribly kind to me. One time, he bought me a board game I’d always wanted but never had as a child.

I saw it as consideration, and a part of me still clings to that side of him.

I Feel Really Guilty!

When our marriage ended and the divorce was pending, I felt incredibly guilty.

Was it all my fault?

I was often blamed, and over the years, I learned to always blame myself.

So, when it came to divorce, you guessed it. I blamed myself. Was I unbearable for someone who just needed a little help and support?

Did I not give enough of myself? Should I have done what he asked all this time, without questioning his immorality?

Then Came Shame

Divorce at my age (almost 60…) wasn’t on my list of things I wanted to accomplish in my life.

It was difficult to tell my family and friends what was happening. You spend decades with someone, and the last thing they’ll assume is that things are no longer happy and positive.

In fact, I can’t remember more than a few times when we got along well long enough to feel safe.

I reflect on that shame and realize it was wrong of me to think that way. Adam’s pressure on those thoughts didn’t help. He would say, “People will be so shocked. You had everything, and then you lost it by ending this.”

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This would bring back my guilt, adding to it the question: Do I really have to divorce him?

These statements and phrases had long prevented me from signing the contract, yet he gave me no real reason to believe he would change.

Waiting…and waiting…

Once the divorce proceedings began, it took an insanely long time to get anything done. I’d ask Adam, “What do we do about our pensions? How do we divide the house? When do we put it up for sale?”

Waiting for Adam to provide information or even comply with the procedures was excruciating.

He knew he was keeping me waiting and completely controlling. I saw it as a last-ditch attempt to abuse me.

He would do stupid things, like question something my lawyer sent me or hesitate when dividing our assets.

He would go back to his lawyer, and the wait was excruciating.

He knew I wanted the whole thing over, and he was endlessly exploiting that.

My mistake here was thinking it would be different.

Forgotten To Put Myself First

Well, I hadn’t done that for years, so why start now?

Putting myself first—before my marriage, Adam, and my kids—was completely foreign to me.

I didn’t know where to begin, but I forgot to realize that being in the divorce process was enough to make me realize I had this ability.

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By not putting myself first, I wasted a lot of time thinking about whether I was doing the right thing. I should have been making sure I was sleeping better and writing down what I felt was an outlet.

I didn’t.

Some nights, I suffered from insomnia as I tried to accept all the changes that were happening.

I DidN’T Fight For What Is Mine

I left a lot of important or sentimental things for Adam to please him.

These were things like our garden ornaments that our children had given us for our anniversaries, which I knew he never liked.

He would say, “If you’re going to watch TV, I’ll take it.”

In the end, for convenience, I only agreed because the fights were exhausting me.

Now I know that was his goal.

Punishing me with separation.

I Thought I Would Be Lone Forever

I think the biggest mistake of all was assuming that divorce meant I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

I took time off shortly after it was all over and mustered the courage to move to another county.

It meant I was closer to my daughter, but it also meant I didn’t know anyone.

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After two years of living here, I met Graham. We don’t live together or get married, but we love going out and spending time with each other.

I don’t want to go through all of this again, but I know Graham is completely different, and I’ve known him for three years.

Never think that a narcissist is the final chapter of your life, because, in reality, it’s just the first chapter. The rest is up to you.