Okay, this is new to you!

I was allowed to take over the “Narcissistic Life HQ” for just one day, and with Alexander’s special permission, I want to tell my story.

It could be your story too. I mean, there’s a good chance some of us have this in common. Maybe—unfortunately for you—we’re about to share it.

I broke up with a narcissist, and it was hell.

Hell because I made mistakes I wish I could change, but now accept I can’t.

It doesn’t have to be the same for you, and that’s why I’m here.

I’m your lesson learned.

I Thought He Was The One

I’m going to call him Adam. God, how I thought he was the one when we met 20 years ago. Within three months, we were engaged and living together. I guess that should have been my first warning sign, but back then, I didn’t recognize it as a warning sign.

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I thought he was the “best thing ever.”

He was kind, smart, and loyal. He wanted all of my time, and I was so happy to give it. This made a world of difference. I grew up with a father who completely neglected me.

We had a beautiful home. There were five of us. On the surface, I thought we were a perfect family, but my father was nasty to me.

The sarcasm. The criticism. The fluctuating emotions. The way he made me feel like I didn’t care. Like I was a mistake.

So, when I met Adam as a young man, I thought I’d finally met someone who appreciated me and took the time to get to know me.

He promised me so much, and within weeks, he delivered on his promise of marriage and eternal life.

What I Realized I Needed Is Myself

Looking back, I realize I was looking for the validation I didn’t get from my father.

It’s hard to accept, but once I accepted it, it all made sense.

What I needed was myself.

Divorce came shortly after, as I viewed those 20 years as a complete waste of my time and energy.

Adam didn’t really stop me, except for his usual, “What would you do without me? You can’t even change a lightbulb properly.”

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He was right, and I wasn’t. For a while, I let that stop me from moving forward.

My Marriage Was A Sham

Deeming my marriage a sham was hard.

I remember times when Adam was horribly kind to me. Once, he bought me a board game I’d always wanted but never had as a child.

I saw it as being very considerate, and a part of me still clings to that side of him. #IFeelReallyGuilty!

When our marriage ended and the divorce was pending, I was overcome with guilt.

Was this all my fault?

I was often blamed, and over the years, I learned to blame myself subconsciously all the time.

So when it came to divorce, as you might expect, I blamed myself. Was I being unbearable to someone who just needed a little help and support?

Did I not give enough of myself? Should I have done what he asked all this time, without questioning his immorality?

Then Came the Shame

Divorce at my age (almost 60…) was not on my list of things I wanted to accomplish in my life. It was difficult to tell my family and friends what was going on. You spend decades with someone, and the last thing they’re going to assume is that things aren’t happy and positive anymore.

In fact, I can’t remember more than a few times when we got along well long enough to feel safe. I reflect on that shame and know it was wrong of me to think that way. Adam’s pressure on me didn’t help.

He would say, “People will be so shocked. You had everything and you wasted it by ending this.” This would bring back feelings of guilt, as well as question whether I really should have divorced him.

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These phrases and statements kept me from signing the final decree for a long time, yet he gave me no real reason to believe it would change.

Waiting…and Waiting…

Once the divorce proceedings began, it took a very long time to get anything done. I would ask Adam, “What do we do about our pensions? How do we divide the house? When do we put it up for sale?”

Waiting for Adam to tell me or even agree to the procedures was painful. He knew he was keeping me waiting and in complete control. I saw it as a last-ditch effort to abuse me. He would do stupid things, like doubt something my lawyer sent me or hesitate when dividing our property.

He would go back to his lawyer, and the wait was painful.

He knew I wanted closure, and he exploited that endlessly.

My mistake here was believing it would be different.

Forgotten To Put Myself First

Well, I hadn’t done that for years, so why start now?

Putting myself first—before my marriage, Adam, and my children—was completely foreign to me. I didn’t know where to begin, but I forgot to realize that being in the divorce process was enough to know I had that ability.

Related : How Do You Break Up With a Narcissist?

By not putting myself first, I wasted a lot of time wondering if I was doing the right thing. I should have been making sure I was sleeping better and keeping a journal as an outlet.

I didn’t.

Some nights, I suffered from insomnia as I tried to process all the changes that were happening.

I DidN’t Fight For What Is Mine

I left a lot of important or sentimental things for Adam to please him.

These were things like our garden ornaments that the kids had given us for our anniversaries, which I knew he never liked.

He would say, “If you have the TV, I’ll take it.”

In the end, for convenience, I only agreed because the fights were exhausting me.

Now I know that was his goal.

To punish me for the breakup.

I Thought I’d Be Alone Forever

I think the biggest mistake I made was assuming that divorce meant I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

I took time off shortly after everything was done and mustered the courage to move to another county.

It meant I was closer to my daughter, but it also meant I didn’t know anyone anymore.

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After two years of living here, I met Graham. We don’t live together or get married, but we love going out and spending time with each other.

I don’t want to go through all of this again, but I know Graham is completely different, and I’ve known him for three years.

Never think that a narcissist is the final chapter of your life, because, in reality, it’s just the first chapter. The rest is up to you.