First, let me say that I have mastered denial in the past. One cannot remain in an abusive marriage for this long and not have experience practicing denial. But more often than not, we misunderstand exactly what is being denied when we talk about this topic. Often, it is not the situation that we cannot face, but our feelings about the situation. I can admit that my husband was abusive. What I couldn’t admit was the fear, pain, anger, and helplessness I felt in an abusive marriage. So I convinced myself that I was making the best of a bad situation.
When we think of denial in the Bible, we often think of Peter who denied Jesus. We are quick to condemn him, but notice that Jesus did not do that. Having the leader you love so dearly arrested and sentenced to death would be terrifying, especially when you think you might be next. Peter, like many of us, was unable to face his fear in his moment of despair. But when Peter denied Jesus, he denied the truth. When we deny what is true in our circumstances, we deny Jesus, who is the embodiment of truth.
Denial is the most common form of lying, but it is generally accepted because the person we are lying to is primarily ourselves. But any rejection of the truth is a rejection of Jesus, who is the truth. Excluding the truth from our difficult reality leads to a number of destructive patterns that reproduce in our generations. Here are some ways denial can wreak havoc in your life:
1: Denial allows unchecked abuse.
Whether the abuse is alcoholism or narcissism, or rage or withdrawal, or any number of other possible permutations of dysfunction, pretending it doesn’t happen is implicit permission. The Holocaust is an example of the implicit permission that allows evil to be widely denied. But the Holocaust can happen within our families, our churches, our communities, and our nation if we fear confrontation and its harassment more than we fear the truth.
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But make no mistake. Telling the truth will cost us. Confronting narcissistic behavior, and admitting to ourselves that our family is a mess despite our best efforts, puts us in a place where we have to take responsibility. Difficult choices await telling the truth. Often times, we have no idea what to do. Confronting our own powerlessness in the face of a loved one’s addiction or abusive behavior is incredibly painful. But where our ability to save ourselves ends is where Jesus’ work on the cross begins.
2: Denial kills the relationship.
I have often heard parents lament the lack of a relationship with their children. I cannot help but think to myself that this estrangement did not arise without a reason. I remember teaching at a healing prayer conference and hearing the pastor lament and mock his oldest son (who was not in attendance) for refusing to have a relationship with him. He said his son kept saying he didn’t feel safe around him, with a tone of disbelief and contempt. She told him that if he wanted a relationship with his son, he should respect his son’s feelings and ask for forgiveness. His answer was that he had done nothing wrong. He had nothing to be sorry for.
What I heard behind the bravado was horror. What if he is wrong? What if he’s a bad father? What then? His son has grown up. He couldn’t do the job. Denial creates a barrier between our false self and our true self that can grow too high to cross. If our fear of failure prevents us from admitting our failure, we are hiding our true selves from others. None of our relationships will be valid unless our false self is available to others.
3: Denial retraumatizes us.
The funny thing about traumatic situations is that they become less traumatic when faced face to face. But if we constantly keep the eyes of denial averted from the dysfunction occurring before our eyes, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to heal. No infected wound will heal without first being dried. Our brains and bodies become at odds with each other. Minds know how to lie, but bodies don’t.
The direct path to healing emotional wounds is forgiveness. Forgiveness, as we learn from the king who made his calculations in Matthew, requires a fair reckoning of what is owed. But if we instead bury debt or cover it up with destructive behaviors, our minds and bodies will eventually give up. We were not created to live in discord or with abuse. None of us are strong enough to withstand the relentless waves of hatred and bitterness. Denial prevents us from the truth that saves, purifies, and achieves justice. Notice I’m not saying reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two repentant people. We can only answer for ourselves.
4: Denial destroys our destiny.
If I hadn’t told myself the truth about my ex, I never would have run away. My years of denial took their toll on me and my daughters in the form of PTSD and other mental and physical difficulties. But the moment I began to see my circumstances for what they were and acknowledge the turmoil within me, the truth began its work in our lives. None of the amazing experiences I’ve added to my life’s journey could have happened in this prison of relationships. My daughters could not explore their education and callings behind those invisible bars.
Every person’s destiny is tied to the ability to speak the truth and develop their voice. It’s not just singers and writers who are developing their voices. Our identity as mothers, fathers, teachers, pastors, engineers, scientists, or any other profession depends on our ability to operate from a place of authenticity. Fulfilling our destiny involves replicating our knowledge and truth to others. If the truth does not live within us, we repeat lies. If you think this statement is exaggerated, look at the generations within your family. Do you see imbalances being transmitted from generation to generation? What legacy do we pass on to our children? Truth or fear of the truth?
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John says that if we say we have no sin, we lie and the truth is not in us. I read this as a warning about denial. Often what we deny is what we are ashamed of. But in recognizing and confronting those sins, both our own and those directed toward us, lies salvation. Stinging the infection is painful and healing may be slow. But if not treated, the same infection can wreak havoc on every part of our body.
The only thing worse than pain is the fear of pain. If denial captivates you, start inviting the truth. The truth may seem devastating, but it only dismantles unsafe structures. Only God can build your house on rock.
