“My mother did nothing when I stopped communicating. She spread rumors about me among family members and neighbors, and even reached out to my boss. My boss had no idea who she was, by the way, but that didn’t matter to my mom. Lies, and more lies. She told people I stole from her, that she stopped talking to me because I was violent, that I was abusing my children. She actually wanted to call social services about me, but thankfully someone talked her out of it. Or so I heard. It was all so unrealistic and exaggerated.”

“The divorce was brutal. He lied about everything to anyone who would listen, especially his lawyer and the judge. He buried me in paperwork and false accusations. He didn’t really want most of what he seemed to be fighting for, like more time with the kids. He wanted to win. He wanted his truth to prevail. How he got there didn’t matter.”

One thing most experts agree on is that narcissists never sleep soundly; Narcissists don’t simply disappear from sight; they practice a scorched earth policy, leaving nothing but the wreckage of relationships and sometimes reputations.

One of the most interesting observations made by Joseph Burgo in his book The Narcissist You Know is that the narcissist is so committed to his “truth” that his lies may not even be conscious. Yes, reread that sentence and let it sink in. The narcissist wins, as does the lack of responsibility when things go wrong; while they are always heroic heroes when things are going well, they loudly declare themselves victims—no matter how unlikely—when things go wrong or when they have the power to embarrass them.

The smear campaign is born of a combination of factors, including the need to be right and have his “truth” become the dominant narrative, maintaining status and prestige (and ensuring that his hidden inner shame does not become public), and maintaining control over his image. A man or woman with high narcissistic traits chooses his or her public persona very carefully; appearing successful, accomplished, and put-together is all that matters.

Related : Are Narcissists Everywhere? In a Word…YES!

In the interviews I’ve conducted over the years with unpopular daughters for my book, The Daughter’s Purge , the mother’s public persona has always been part of the story, whether the family is financially well off or not; she is very attuned to what others think, especially in terms of her role as a mother, and the public aspects of her motherhood are always handled with care. Of course, she counts on this when she starts a smear campaign in retaliation for her adult daughter’s behavior. This can be as benign as trying to have a conversation about her mother’s treatment of her, setting boundaries when her mother disrespected any of them, responding to what was said and what was said, and finally, not communicating.

In general, because the culture tends to side with the parents when there is an attempt to correct old patterns or completely distance oneself, the smear campaign is often inadvertently facilitated by others who wrongly characterize the daughter as ungrateful or reckless; don’t forget that there is a will that seems to support the mother as well. Not every mother launches a smear campaign—my mother did not—but when they do, they are usually stormy.

Of all the things I learned while writing my book, Detoxing a Daughter, nothing was more astonishing than the lengths to which some mothers who believed their adult daughters were rejecting them would go in order to get revenge, gain the upper hand, maintain power or control, or cling to their social standing by denigrating their children.

I heard of mothers who tried to break up their daughters’ marriages by fabricating illicit affairs, mothers who reported trumped-up child abuse allegations to social services, mothers who infiltrated divorce proceedings and stood by a husband who was about to divorce, and more. Some mothers even called their bosses and coworkers. It was so unrealistic, and frankly, some of the stories were so mind-boggling that I felt that if they were included in a novel, the editor would demand that they be cut out because they were unrealistic—except, of course, that they actually happened.

I think this is a variation on the “No More Wire Hangers!” theme (sorry, but I need to tone that down a bit. This is just awful.)

Understanding the Narcissist’s Need for Control

Yes, we all feel better when we are in control of a situation and can manage our emotions, as opposed to being subjected to random outbursts or someone else’s aggression, but I have come to understand through firsthand experience as well as research and interviews that it is quite different for someone with high narcissistic traits.

Contrary to outward appearance—the narcissist may appear to be in control and highly confident—experts agree that beneath the surface, they are deeply entrenched in shame and low self-esteem. Additionally, as Craig Malkin explains in his book Rethinking Narcissism , the narcissist buries their normal emotions, such as fear, sadness, and loneliness, because of their deep and intense anxiety about being rejected for these feelings.

Control is what holds everything together for them, as well as providing protection for the fragile parts. When you take these factors into account, a smear campaign has its own logic, doesn’t it? A narcissist wouldn’t risk proving a different truth.

Surviving a smear campaign without problems

Obviously, your strategies will vary depending on your relationship with the narcissist in question; it’s one thing when you’re dealing with an ex-spouse who you have to keep in contact with because you have children, another thing when you’re dealing with a friend or lover, and another thing when you’re an adult child dealing with a parent. However, this will be difficult and painful, especially since it will confirm every negative thought you’ve tried to suppress about this person, and it will likely damage your trust in people in general in the short term.

1. Don’t get involved.

In his book The Narcissist You Know , Joseph Burgo describes the “vengeful narcissist” as a type; as he writes, “…the drive to prove yourself a winner and triumph over shame makes the truth irrelevant.” It’s important to remember this because while your desire to make things right is completely understandable, it won’t accomplish much and will keep you in the narcissist’s orbit by default.

Related : 7 Ways to Set Boundaries With Narcissists

Burgo specifically addresses the smear campaign, writing: “…she may tell blatant lies as part of her smear campaign. While you will of course feel offended, it is important not to retaliate or try to turn things around. If the vengeful narcissist feels you have engaged in a fight, he will escalate his attacks in order to win. Take a strong stand and stick to the truth; do not speak ill of your enemy unless absolutely necessary.”

This is a tough pill to swallow, but in the end, you will feel good about how you’re doing; and that’s really important.

2. Focus on what you can handle, not what you can’t.

A narcissist will work hard to get others on their side, and frankly, there’s not much you can do about it. This is especially true if you’re an adult child trying to set boundaries or go no contact.

People really want to believe the mother myths—that all women are compassionate, that all mothers are loving—and unless they’re really open or experienced themselves, they tend to side with one parent. This can be hard to accept—especially if there are close relatives involved—but focus on the things you can change, not the things you can’t.

The same advice applies if you’re going through a divorce with someone high in narcissistic traits; don’t engage in “eye for an eye” or “eye for an eye” but keep copious notes and keep everything in writing. Make sure your attorney is familiar with how people high in narcissistic traits behave; For more on this topic, check out this post , which includes the perspectives of both the attorney and the owners.

3. Be prepared for the narcissist to claim victimhood.

I can attest that this drove me absolutely crazy during my divorce when my ex-husband asserted that I ran away and left him, ignoring all the reasons and connecting the dots; the fact that his assertion could be proven to be a lie did not discourage him in the slightest. This is even more common with the parent who will list everything you’ve ever done for you—food! clothing! shelter!—and will portray you as ungrateful at best and crazy at worst and present themselves as a hapless victim. The narcissist is likely to tell this story to anyone who will listen, and what’s even more disturbing is that they believe it, Burgo points out.

This is all very frustrating, especially if you’ve been the victim of emotional abuse or otherwise. But at the end of the day, you know what’s true and what’s not, much more than the other person does. Again, in the short term, this won’t be a huge relief, but in the long run, it’s worth it.

4. Look forward, not back.

I’m neither a therapist nor a psychologist, but you don’t have to be one to realize that a smear campaign will leave you feeling extremely shaken and insecure; after all, this isn’t a random stranger stalking you, it’s someone you care about or love and are connected to in important ways.

Again, the path out varies depending on the relationship. We can’t choose our parents, and while we may feel guilty for asserting ourselves and alone as we are rejected again, the underlying situation is one we were born into. If the smear campaign is the result of a lack of connection, it’s important not to slip into old habits of self-criticism, such as criticizing yourself for all your futile efforts to please her or getting angry at yourself for not acting sooner. Part of the healing process, as I explain in Daughter Detox , is accepting yourself; you acted when you could.

Being the target of a smear campaign by someone you chose to be with often brings up other complex thoughts and feelings. Yes, it would be important to know how you ended up here, but trying to figure that out when you’re working to survive isn’t the best idea.

Related : Hillary Clinton: “Deranged Narcissist?”

One of the hardest things to do is try not to generalize from experience; it’s easy to jump from “one guy” to “all guys,” but it’s important to recognize the specificity. This is a specific person doing this to you; don’t let that color your view of the world. Not everyone has high narcissistic traits.

5. Seek support, because there’s no gold star for going it alone.

Working with a talented therapist as you navigate these waters can be a game changer, so please take care of yourself. He or she will also help you stay as non-reactive as possible, which will help you as well.