Key Points
A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize harms the healthy psychological development of her children.
A narcissistic mother may try to mold her daughter into a version of herself, or an idealized self, through direction and criticism.
Recovering from a narcissistic mother ultimately means replacing the mother’s negative inner voice with a nurturing self.
Our mother is our first love. She is our introduction to life and to ourselves. She is our lifeline to security. We first learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. We naturally crave her physical and emotional strength, her touch, her smile, and her protection. Her empathetic reflection of our feelings, desires, and needs tells us who we are and that we are valuable.
A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize harms the healthy psychological development of her children. Like Narcissus in Greek mythology, she sees only a reflection of herself. There is no boundary of separation between herself and her children, whom she cannot see as unique individuals worthy of love. The symptoms of narcissism that make up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) vary in severity, but they inevitably compromise the narcissist’s ability to parent.
Here are some of the characteristics and consequences of having a narcissistic mother. Note that they are inadvertently repeated in abusive adult relationships, including those with narcissists, because they are familiar—they feel like family.
NoBoundaries
Some of the effects on daughters are different than on sons because daughters typically spend more time with their mothers and look to them as role models.
Narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters as threats and extensions of their ego. Through direction and criticism, they try to mold their daughter into a version of themselves or their ideal self. At the same time, they project onto their daughter not only undesirable aspects of themselves, such as selfishness, stubbornness, self-centeredness, and coldness, but also undesirable traits of their mothers. They may favor their son, even though they may harm him in other ways, such as emotional incest.
Narcissistic Abuse
Repeated shame and control undermine a young girl’s developing identity, creating insecurity. She cannot trust her feelings and impulses and concludes that it is her mother’s fault that she is dissatisfied with her, not realizing that her mother will never be satisfied.
In cases of severe emotional or physical abuse or neglect, a daughter may feel that she has no right to exist, that she is a burden to her mother, and that she should never have been born. If she is not also abusive, narcissistic women’s husbands are often passive and do not protect their daughters from the mother’s abuse.
Some mothers lie and hide their abuse. The daughter does not learn to protect and defend herself. She may feel helpless or even fail to recognize the abuse later in life.
Toxic Shame
She rarely feels accepted simply for being herself. She must choose between sacrificing herself and losing her mother’s love—a pattern of self-denial and coping as codependency is replayed in adult relationships.
Her true self is rejected, first by her mother, then by herself. The result is internalized shame based on the belief that her true self is unlovable. How can she be lovable if her mother has not loved and accepted her? Children are supposed to love their mothers and vice versa!
The daughter’s shame is compounded by anger or hatred toward her mother who does not understand her. She believes this is further proof that she is bad, and that all of her mother’s criticisms must be true. Not feeling satisfied enough with her life is a life of constant struggle and lack of fulfillment. Because love must be earned, her adult relationships may repeat a cycle of abandonment.
Emotional Unavailability
The emotional comfort and closeness that a mother’s natural tenderness and care provide are absent. Narcissistic mothers may tend to meet their daughter’s physical needs, but they leave her emotionally deprived. The daughter does not realize what she is missing, but she longs for warmth and understanding from her mother, which she may feel with friends or relatives or experience in other mother-daughter relationships. She longs for an elusive connection, which she may feel fleetingly or never at all. She does not learn to identify and value her emotional needs, nor does she know how to meet them. What remains is the feeling that something is missing and an inability to care for and comfort herself. She may look to fill this void in other relationships, but the pattern of emotional unavailability often repeats.
Control
Parents with narcissistic personality disorder are shortsighted. The world revolves around them. They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices when they can, and view it as a personal affront that deserves punishment when they can’t. Parenting is often “my way or the highway.” Self-absorption leads some narcissistic mothers to focus only on themselves or their sons, neglecting or depriving their daughters.
Other mothers want their daughters to look their best “according to them,” but they hold their daughter back in the process through criticism and control. Such mothers try to live through their daughters, whom they see as an extension of themselves. They want her to dress and act like them, and to choose the friends, hobbies, and jobs she chooses.
“For her own good,” they may withhold or criticize everything their daughter likes or wants, undermining her ability to think for herself, know what she wants, choose it for herself, and pursue it. Their concern for their daughter is accompanied by envy and expectations of gratitude and compliance.
In adult relationships, these daughters are often in controlling relationships or engage in unnecessary power struggles.
Competition
Belief that she is “the prettiest ever,” or fear that she is not, motivates narcissistic mothers not only to criticize their daughter but also to compete with her daughter for the love of her husband and children.
These mothers may deny or fail to protect their daughter if she mistreats her. They may limit or belittle their friends because they are “not good enough,” yet compete for their attention and flirt with them. In order to control their daughter’s life and be number one in her life, they may invade their daughter’s privacy and undermine her relationships with friends and other relatives.
Recovery
Recovering from the trauma of growing up with feelings of rejection and shame takes time and effort. Ultimately, it means recovering from codependency. It begins with identifying and understanding the shameful messages and beliefs that are passed from mother to daughter, and then comes replacing the negative inner maternal voice—the inner critic—with self-care.
