When I finally learned how to let go of the past, I began to live a wonderful life because of the painful past—as opposed to the past that I had ruined and defined.

Here are 5 Steps to Letting Go of the Past So You Can Live Your Life, Trust, and Love Again…

Acknowledge the Reward. As humans, we will not continue to engage in something (no matter how destructive it is) unless there is a part of us that believes that there is a reward that outweighs the cost in some way, shape, or form (whether logical or illogical). The first step in letting go of the past is to acknowledge that some level of satisfaction is derived from holding on to it. I know that for me, I found more comfort in the justification that the past provided for the mediocre life I was living than in confronting my fear of building a positive belief system and acting on those beliefs. I could not bear to be abandoned, rejected, and failed again, so I gravitated toward the “safety” of a past that not only met all of these conditions but defined me as such. So, when life inevitably throws its way, I reach back into the comfort blanket of my painful past. What are you holding on to? What is the payoff? I’m here to tell you that choosing to live in the past, at the expense of your present life, is the definition of emotional suicide. If letting go of the past is truly your priority, acknowledge the payoff and ask yourself if holding on is worth it. It can’t be given life support and pushed around. It can’t be changed. You can’t change the past. You can only keep it on life support and allow it to poison the present moment by choosing to subscribe to a narrative built on assumptions and internalize the hurtful behavior of others. I have the privilege of speaking to people every day who have experienced the most horrific forms of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse imaginable. However, that’s not the entire reason these amazing people continue to feel pain. The reason you can’t escape the pain of the past is that you make the decision every day to hit the “I’m not good enough” pipe in the form of subscribing to an identity that you’ve allowed your past to dictate. Because habitual constancy breeds experience, you quickly become an expert time traveler—not just traveling through time at any given moment but choosing to provide life support to what was (and always will be), behind you: the past; what was. Putting the past on life support 24/7 is expensive. The spiritual, emotional, psychological, and physical costs are too great. Decide to pull the plug now before it’s too late.
Define your identity. The reason I felt so comfortable letting the pain of the past shape my identity was because it justified all the bad decisions I was making in my romantic relationships, my friendships, my family relationships, and my personal and professional life (bonus!). I loved to complain about how everyone and everything was holding me back when in reality, I was holding myself back by deciding to let my belief system, shaped by the past, overpower my free-thinking mind.

Facing it. The turning point came when I honored and acknowledged my pain. No matter how comfortable I felt holding on to my past for dear life, there was always that small, undimmed light of hope that no amount of trauma could ever completely extinguish (if that same light wasn’t there inside of you, you wouldn’t be reading this right now). You can let go. You can. The mere fact that you’re looking for a way to let go of the past means that you will eventually do so—whether you decide to do so now or later (after wasting even more precious time) is up to you. The greatest motivator of all. I used to blame what happened in the past for all the failure and pain in my current life. Now, I blame my past for the confidence, strength, and love that I draw from and attract. I blame my past for the ability to act on red flags instead of investigating them. I no longer need to reframe the past as a means to drive vengeful action in the present. I can act in the present moment because I am no longer overwhelmed. If I had a perfect childhood, a perfect family, a perfect upbringing, etc., I wouldn’t have such a burning desire for the best. Letting go of the past has ignited my passion and propelled me to live the kind of life I never thought I could call my own.

You are so much more than what came and went.

No matter how cool and comfortable they are in trying to appear desperate, narcissists are obsessed with image and control.

Narcissists are energetic, emotional vampires who will passively suck your energy, your compassion, and your sanity. Then, they will point fingers at you and make you feel ashamed for having exhausted all three of these qualities.

Looking back, I think I had a very hard time accepting the fact that I was dating a narcissist because it meant I had to accept that my parents had a certain level of narcissism. It also forced me to address my own narcissism. Just because I wasn’t what I call a “straight narcissist,” I was a very reverse narcissist. I made the narcissists’ selfish actions revolve around my inadequacy. I made everything about me, just like the narcissists I was attracted to.
Never worry that after dating a narcissist, you will become a better person with a new partner who represents everything you are not. Narcissists are deeply insecure people whose emotional growth was stunted when they were given conditional love, abandoned, cheated on, abused, or bullied as children. They were traumatized in some way; we all are. As sad as it is, the fact that they never see themselves as wrong and use their romantic relationships to revisit the scene of an emotional crime just so they can be a manipulative puppet master (or a convenient victim when it serves them) is downright toxic. They thrive on creating a grandiose image of themselves and controlling that image at all costs. But because they are so insecure deep down, they can never live up to the image they project. Eventually, they reveal their true identity: a shell of a person who will only ever get along with people whose self-esteem levels are as low as theirs. Narcissists cannot operate from a place of love—for themselves or others. They operate from a place of fear. The only way to control this fear is to control others (in the form of manipulation, blame, diversion, withdrawal, mixed signals, walking in and out of your life, being hot one moment and cold the next, etc.).

If they know you feel responsible for their feelings…that’s all they need. To them, that’s as good as going to bed with you. Control is the only thing that will truly turn a narcissist on. They will lose “respect” for those they can control and will always love the idea of ​​a partner who has boundaries, but they will always return to those they can control. Without that, their ego cannot survive.

If you date a narcissist, you will never know how they feel about them because they are always inconsistent: hot/cold/; yes/no/maybe. This “ignorance” keeps you engaged because the more ambiguity they create (with a few slivers of clarity here and there), the more “curious” you become. This makes you deluded enough to believe that if you nod your head for a minute, they will turn into the man/woman of your dreams.

When you break up with a narcissist, it hurts a lot more than it did with anyone else. Your boundaries and expectations have been lowered to a ridiculously low level, and you feel like you have no identity or purpose. Rejection plants the seeds of an FBI stalking frenzy. Narcissists often disappear suddenly or break up with you and never contact you at all. Narcissists know how paralyzing you are. So, as long as they can keep you starving in the emotional desert, they are setting you up to welcome them back into your life at any moment with their girl. They do this to keep you safe as an alternative, doing less for you than they did in the relationship, and still getting the sexual, emotional, and financial benefits of having you as a partner (without the commitment, investment, or monogamy on their part). By keeping you in this state of starvation, they know you will never be done with them. If you ever decide you are completely done with them, they won’t know what to do with that loss of control. Therefore, they have to weaken your defenses to ensure their selfish survival (remember, deep down they feel insignificant and worthless).

Narcissists care about nothing but control. Everything has to be on their terms. You can never “scare” them into thinking “This is it” or that you’re leaving or moving on. They know better. They have conditioned you to be their emotional/sexual/excuse-making/cheerleader 24/7. Remember this: A narcissist has to be attracted to someone. I’m not at all saying that you’re an empathically bankrupt, selfish narcissist who thinks you’re all that important. You have compassion and empathy (the compassion you have for yourself is what brought you to this blog). What I am saying is (this is a term I made up and this is my unprofessional opinion) that you are a reverse narcissist. You genuinely believe that other people’s hurtful, deceitful, heartbreaking behavior is about you not being good enough. You internalize other people’s narcissistic behavior. No matter how you look at it, this still makes it all about you. The only difference is that reverse narcissists have one ultimate change agent that traditional narcissists don’t: they have empathy (professional term: empath). Empathy is an incredible thing, but you can’t give it if you don’t get it from yourself (that’s why I started using the term “reverse narcissist”). Work on your reverse narcissism by consistently supporting yourself and watching your life change. You’ll soon stop being drawn to narcissists like fly-to-horse poop. There are good men/women out there. You just have to be good to yourself, first and foremost.

Are you dating a narcissist? Here are the only ways you can keep a relationship with them going:

Accept that the relationship is 100% on their terms.

Make it all about them and their needs. Not about you or them.

Don’t question them, their decisions, or their behavior.

You can’t love yourself, stand up for yourself, or healthily see yourself. Ever. If you do, you should feel guilty about it.
Accept their hurtful actions and behavior as a sign that you need to be better.

I repeat, never think you are enough.

Take all the blame and apologize for everything.

Never discuss your relationship or where it is headed.

Reenact bad, disconnected porn in the bedroom, and never express any of your sexual desires.

You should always downplay your intelligence, looks, success, and accomplishments so that he/she feels more secure.

Understand that he/she will always be competing with you (either directly or indirectly) (and you should always lose).

You should have a Ph.D. in building a base for him/her, a doormat for yourself, and cleaning under the rug.

You should keep giving and giving so that he/she can keep taking and taking.

Never grow/gain weight.

Accept that he/she needs a lot of validation from others (not just you), to keep his/her parade of false importance going. Never try to compete or be number one. They will make you look crazy. Accept that he/she will never be able to appreciate you consistently because he/she appreciates himself/herself. If he/she does, he/she will understand that he/she is enough – regardless of all the superficial details (which he/she believes validate him/her).

The upside of dating a narcissist is that it always mirrors what we need to work on loving ourselves and healing unaddressed trauma. It also makes us heal our reverse narcissism because who would waste their time dating a narcissist but a (reverse) narcissist?

I know that somewhere deep inside you…

You can truly love yourself. You can have compassion for yourself; be in a mutual relationship with yourself first, and authentically connect with and truly love others who are worthy of your time, energy, and love. I know that.

Instead of engaging in the “Why me? Why am I not good enough?” dialogue, know this: The narcissist was placed in your path not as an indicator of your lack of worth but as a spiritual North Star.

And we all know what North Stars do, right? They are there to guide us; to point us in the direction we need to be in. Don’t be happy forever, be happy forever.

If you see dating a narcissist as the North Star that he or she is, you’ll be open to the motivation that your involvement with them provides—the motivation to work on loving yourself, owning your decisions, acting on your intuition, and standing up for yourself.

There’s no need to get off your white horse and retaliate. Your recognition of your worth is their karma.