Let’s talk about daddy issues. A while ago, I wanted to post a picture of my parents and titled the blog post “A Picture of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated.” I’m not sure about this exact approach, but I’m going to write a post about our dads’ dating versions soon because it’s one of those things that once you make a connection, your relationship life will never be the same.
Since today is Father’s Day, I’ve been thinking all week about my issues with my dad, how they affected me, why they haunted me for so long, and why I had such deep issues with my dad in the first place. I have a dad who was constantly present while I was growing up. He was never abusive and we have wonderful memories together.
Daddy issues aren’t something that’s just for women who have absent, abusive (emotionally or physically), or unfaithful fathers.
Daddy issues are also common among women who have a father who was and is present.
Why? Let’s find out.
First, what are daddy issues?
When it comes to girls with daddy issues…
If you are attracted to emotionally unavailable and/or narcissistic men, you likely have daddy issues. You are subconsciously attracted to (and attracted to) men who bring to light any unresolved issues you have, whether in the relationship or not, with your father or a significant male figure from your childhood. This can quickly turn into an addictive pattern. It creates an illusory sense of comfort due to familiarity but also creates an underlying sense of discomfort in your relationships (which is why you are always giving and trying to be “good enough”).
Related : 10 signs you’re dealing with a master manipulator (according to psychology)
You never feel like it’s the “right” relationship unless you feel insecure, competitive, and jealous; like you have something to “chase” and “prove.” You gravitate toward relationships that “keep you on your toes,” rather than ones that are mutual, meaningful, and lasting.
15 Signs You May Have Dad Issues
(I’ve had all of these at one point or another in my life)
- You don’t love yourself and for that reason, you can’t set boundaries because you always feel guilty about doing so.
If your relationship with yourself is bad, your love life can best be described as a self-help workshop trailer, and if you keep having “bad luck” with men… it probably started with your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father or a significant male/father figure from your childhood.
- You have a very hard time trusting any man you’re with. You need to “check him out.”
You don’t trust him because you trusted your father unconsciously and he hurt you/didn’t meet your expectations/didn’t accept you/didn’t believe you/loved you conditionally/abandoned you/deprived you emotionally, etc. This also happens if you feel your father didn’t protect you.
- You need validation from men. If you are dating someone, you need to tell your boyfriend that you are “wanted.”
You even seek validation from other men when you’re with a good guy (which never lasts). You’re addicted to validation and can never get enough.
- Breakups aren’t just devastating to you, they’re catastrophic. They cause a lot of collateral damage and you find yourself needing validation from your ex like you need oxygen.
This can lead to you continuing to go back to your ex (emotionally, physically, or both), sleeping with your ex, continuing to feel like you have a say in what he does and who he does, etc. You feel like you “own” him even after the relationship is over. It’s like losing a family member and a lover all in one.
- You love to provoke jealousy and any other reactions that show the impact you have on men.
- In your relationships, you’re jealous, overprotective, and trying to motivate your partner to be present.
- You need unreasonable levels of reassurance that “everything is okay,” that you’re “good enough,” that you’re “attractive enough,” and the list goes on.
- You find it hard to stay single.
- You’re the type of person who only marries one woman and always acts like you know it all.
- You prefer to date older men. And no, this doesn’t mean you’re going to the local nursing home, but you do like older men.
- You feel more comfortable seeking validation from an emotionally unavailable man than you do with a “good man” who validates you. No matter how much you want a good man, good men fill you up.
- Somehow, you were emotionally orphaned as a child by your father or a significant male figure in your childhood. You’ve been in a bad emotional state ever since.
- Your father was there, but he wasn’t really “there.” You never felt like you were “good enough” for your father or truly connected to him.
- You have abandonment issues due to emotional or physical abandonment from your father.
- You constantly get involved with emotionally unavailable and narcissistic men.
My parents split when I was very young. As a result, the time I was able to spend with my father was cut short. So, every time I saw my father, he was just trying to make the most of the day. As great as that was, it prevented some of the realness and connection that would have been possible if I had been able to see and live with him daily. My father and I never really got into the heavy stuff because we just wanted to enjoy our day.
As I got older, this led to me pursuing emotionally detached men. I became emotionally unavailable myself and I still struggle with my reverse narcissism to this day. I made everyone’s bad and hurtful behavior about me not being good enough. I failed to let people own their behavior and decisions because I couldn’t own mine.
I have developed a consistent pattern of engaging with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic men from patterns that were ingrained in my childhood. You don’t need to have an abusive or absent father to have issues with your father. You may, like me, have a father who didn’t always express his feelings or you may have a father who you had to “work” to impress or get noticed.
I’ve been fortunate enough to coach some of the most successful, well-known, and powerful people on the planet. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly they revert to their younger, more caring, validating selves when their father sends them a simple text after being in and out of their lives (emotionally, physically, or both) for years and years.
Related : 8 clever ways to show a master manipulator you won’t play their games
Do I like having my father’s approval and validation? Of course. But whether I get it or not doesn’t make as much of a difference as having my approval.
If your father struggled to express his feelings, accept you, or make you feel beautiful/acceptable/capable, he was likely emotionally unavailable and unhappy with himself and his life at the time.
No one has had and will ever have the perfect parent. My father is far from perfect. We all fight our own battles. However, there comes a point where we need to realize that if there is a pattern, it is not our parent or boyfriend who is hurting us, it is us who is choosing to re-traumatize ourselves because that is all we know.
We do not know what availability or connection looks or feels like. And while we may claim to want it more than anything else, we are more comfortable in an environment that claims to want it while being a victim of its absence.
If you are wondering why you continue to pursue emotionally unavailable men, it is because you are chasing the familiar. The familiar is predictable. The predictable, especially for a traumatized heart, is safe.
You convince yourself that if you could do the one thing no human being could ever do (make someone else change), that would undo your father’s work and remove him from his position. It would undo the pain he caused, prove him wrong, and now your happily ever after could begin. That will never happen because empathy, emotional availability, compassion, loyalty, and responsibility are things that cannot be bribed, “brought out,” or instilled in anyone. You either have them or you don’t.
As little girls, we want to impress our fathers. We want them to think we are as great as we think we are. Our father is the first man we say “I love you” to and the man we subconsciously compare every man to—good or bad, absent or present.
With emotionally unavailable fathers, the daughter convinces herself that if she does/is good enough, she will make her father stay/believe/love/notice her, etc. This gives her a lifetime VIP pass to ride the wheel of toxic relationships. This allows her to justify making excuses, ignoring red flags, and giving multiple chances to partners who don’t deserve one. She convinces herself that he will change and scares herself into giving in to the belief that if she lets him go, he will turn into the man of her dreams with another “better” girl.
If you have a father, celebrate him today and if you don’t, be a father to yourself by promising that you won’t be at the end of your life years from now saying “I see everything clearly now and I can’t go back in time. Why did I waste so much time?”
Related : Should I Call Him? To Call Or To Not Call Your Ex Boyfriend
You won’t be at the end of your life one day, wishing you could hurt and lose your value even more.
You will never wish that you kept putting yourself in the emotional firing line.
You will never regret getting off the Ferris wheel of a toxic relationship and you will never regret using your father’s issues to motivate you to get out of your rut instead of keeping you mired in the quicksand of your triggers.
Once you identify your father’s issues, you will be able to work on making them a thing of the past. You will also be able to make sure that your future/present daughter knows that she is enough.
If you don’t have kids or don’t want kids, find a picture of yourself as a child and remind that little girl in the picture that she is more than enough.
