Narcissism is a complex personality trait that manifests in various ways. While most people associate narcissism with the loud, self-absorbed type of individual who craves attention, there’s another side that often goes unnoticed: the covert narcissist. Both covert and grandiose narcissists share the same core traits, but their behaviors and how they express their narcissism can differ drastically. They are the yin and yang of narcissism—two opposing forces of the same disorder. Let’s break down the distinctions between these two archetypes.
What Is Narcissism?
Before diving into the differences, it’s essential to understand the basics of narcissism. Narcissism, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), is marked by traits such as:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A need for excessive admiration
- A lack of empathy
- A sense of entitlement
- Exploitative behavior in relationships
These traits, however, can manifest in outwardly different ways, creating two key archetypes: grandiose narcissists and covert narcissists.
The Grandiose Narcissist: The Loud and Proud Narcissist
Grandiose narcissists are the classic version most people think of when they hear the word “narcissist.” They are extroverted, assertive, and often boast about their achievements or perceived superiority. This type of narcissist seeks constant admiration and attention and has no problem making themselves the center of any conversation or situation.
Traits of Grandiose Narcissists:
Overt Confidence: They come across as supremely self-assured, sometimes to the point of arrogance. Their sense of superiority is loud and clear to everyone around them.
Craving Admiration: They seek validation through praise, awards, and public recognition. A grandiose narcissist thrives on being admired by others.
Manipulation: They often manipulate others to maintain their status and control. This can involve charm, coercion, or outright deceit.
Low Tolerance for Criticism: Criticism or failure triggers rage or defensiveness. Their inflated ego makes them highly sensitive to anything that undermines their self-image.
Dominating Presence: Grandiose narcissists dominate social situations, assert their authority, and enjoy being the center of attention.
The Covert Narcissist: The Hidden, Vulnerable Narcissist
On the other hand, covert narcissists operate in a much quieter, subtler way. Their narcissism is masked by a more introverted or shy demeanor, but they still share the same underlying traits as grandiose narcissists. They seek admiration too but in a less direct way. Rather than boasting, they often present themselves as misunderstood, victimized, or quietly superior.
Related : 10 Common Myths About Narcissists And Their Hidden Realities
Traits of Covert Narcissists:
Insecurity and Sensitivity: Unlike the bold confidence of the grandiose type, covert narcissists are deeply insecure. They often feel unappreciated or slighted and are hypersensitive to criticism.
Victim Mentality: Instead of openly seeking admiration, covert narcissists play the victim to elicit sympathy and attention. They often feel that they are unrecognized geniuses or unappreciated talents.
Passive-Aggression: Covert narcissists are more likely to express their frustrations indirectly through passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment, or subtle digs at others.
Envy and Resentment: Covert narcissists harbor deep envy toward others’ success and often feel a sense of entitlement. They believe they deserve more recognition than they receive.
Manipulation Through Vulnerability: Rather than manipulating through charm or dominance, covert narcissists manipulate by evoking pity, making others feel responsible for their well-being or happiness.
The Yin and Yang of Narcissism
The grandiose and covert narcissists may seem like opposites on the surface, but they are two sides of the same coin. Both are driven by an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for validation, but their methods of getting this validation are starkly different.
Similarities Between Grandiose and Covert Narcissists:
Self-Absorption: Both archetypes are primarily focused on themselves. Whether through boasting or playing the victim, their primary goal is to have their needs met.
Lack of Empathy: Neither type is truly empathetic toward others. While the grandiose narcissist is more outwardly dismissive of others’ feelings, the covert narcissist may feign empathy, but their actions are still self-serving.
Manipulation: Both use manipulation to maintain control. Grandiose narcissists manipulate through charm and dominance, while covert narcissists use emotional blackmail or passive-aggressive tactics.
Fragile Self-Esteem: Despite the outward appearances, both grandiose and covert narcissists have fragile egos. Their need for constant validation reflects deep-seated insecurity.
Differences Between Grandiose and Covert Narcissists:
Behavioral Expression: Grandiose narcissists are extroverted and flamboyant, while covert narcissists are introverted and quietly resentful.
Seeking Validation: Grandiose narcissists seek overt admiration and praise, whereas covert narcissists seek sympathy, attention through their perceived victimhood, and indirect recognition.
Emotional Tactics: Grandiose narcissists use overt power plays and dominance to assert their superiority. Covert narcissists use guilt, shame, and passive-aggression to control others.
How to Spot and Handle Both Types
While grandiose narcissists are easier to identify due to their loud and attention-seeking behavior, covert narcissists are much harder to spot because of their subtlety and victimhood narrative. Both types can be harmful in relationships, but they require different approaches when dealing with them.
Dealing with a Grandiose Narcissist:
Set Clear Boundaries: Grandiose narcissists will often try to dominate situations or take advantage of others. Setting firm boundaries can limit their ability to control you.
Don’t Feed Their Ego: Avoid giving them the validation they crave. This can reduce their power over you and prevent their behavior from escalating.
Avoid Confrontation: Grandiose narcissists don’t handle criticism well. Instead of direct confrontation, stick to factual and unemotional communication.
Dealing with a Covert Narcissist:
Don’t Fall for the Victim Act: Recognize when their “poor me” attitude is a manipulation tactic to get attention or sympathy.
Watch for Passive-Aggression: Covert narcissists use subtle tactics to express their resentment. Be aware of passive-aggressive behavior and address it calmly.
Encourage Accountability: Covert narcissists tend to avoid responsibility for their actions. Encourage open, direct communication to hold them accountable for their behavior.
Two Sides of the Same Disorder
Grandiose and covert narcissists are like the yin and yang of narcissism—one bold and extroverted, the other quiet and manipulative. Despite their different approaches, both share the same core traits of narcissism: a lack of empathy, a need for validation, and an inflated sense of self-importance. Understanding these two archetypes can help you navigate relationships with narcissists more effectively, whether they are loud and boastful or quietly resentful.
