Did it take years before you suspected that someone in your life might be a covert narcissist? If so, don’t feel bad. This is common due to the nature of the personality disorder and its hidden nature.

“Covert” means hidden—and if you know a covert narcissist—you’ve probably noticed that many of these negative traits are often very hidden until you recognize them. Today, we’ll cover 24 warning signs that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.

Today, we take a step back and look at the signs that someone might be a covert narcissist. Why is this important?

If you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, that person cannot change easily, and neither can we. So you may end up in a situation where you feel like you’re banging your head against the wall to make this relationship work, no matter what type of relationship it is.

And you keep spending all your efforts, all your time and effort trying to make this work, and it’s not going anywhere. If you are dealing with a covert narcissist, there are reasons why. There is nothing you can do to help someone change if they don’t want to change. So one of the most popular videos on this channel is Eleven Ways to Identify a Secret Narcissist.

Now, let’s get to those 24 warning signs, shall we?

24 Warning signs of a secret narcissist

Passive aggressiveness
So the first sign that someone is or may be a covert narcissist is that they are passive aggressive.

Now, this is something that a lot of people identify with, and I recognized it as well. There have been many times when I have behaved in passive aggressive ways.

So just because someone is passive aggressive doesn’t mean they are a covert narcissist. But if someone is a narcissist, you will notice that passive aggressiveness is their preferred behavior.

They are always passive aggressive, because they have a lot of pent-up aggression and anger, and it needs to come out somewhere, but they don’t feel confident enough to be aggressive. So he comes out in a passive aggressive way.

He plays the blame game
The first sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person will love to tell you what you did wrong after you’ve done it. They usually don’t have that kind of motivation, but they’ll tell you all about how they would have done it if they had.

It’s a devaluation tool, and it’s used a lot, especially if you’re close to that person.

A special dialectic
The third sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that he or she may choose very polarizing topics to talk about. They can choose sides, and it will be either one side or the other.

And again, if you get into arguments with people about politics or religion, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re secretly narcissistic. But this is very common for covert narcissists because it allows them to show their aggression.

Trust threatened
So the fourth sign that you are dealing with a covert narcissist is that they feel threatened by their self-confidence. If you’re feeling particularly good, that’s when they’ll devalue you, and if you accomplish something big, they may devalue you for it and kind of downplay it like it’s no big deal.

Or they may change the subject and bring it back to themselves or start an argument. Arguments are a great way for covert narcissists to bring conversations back to them.

Never happy
The fifth sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person is never happy. Even when you think they should be happy, even when you think they got everything they wanted, they are not happy. This makes you think that something is missing.

It leaves you feeling like something is missing. If you are in a relationship with this person, or even if they are a parent, you feel that you may have done something to make them miserable. This is something you will often see in their eyes or facial expressions. Even when things go their way, they are not happy.

These are the people who will find faults and everything, and will find a reason to not be happy about something. Well, I got this new car, but it had this in it and I didn’t realize it. They can take things apart and never feel happy. It’s kind of sad, but it’s the truth.

Hypersensitivity
This person is very sensitive, and you may not see it ahead of time. If you do this, it will be a habit towards others. But once you get into a relationship, once that person starts devaluing you, you’ll realize that they’re hypersensitive to things that you may not even realize.

I have a video on narcissistic injury, and I talk about narcissistic rage in that video. You may find that this person explodes over something that you did not even expect would trigger him in any way. Or you might say something in an argument that you think might trigger them a little and might make them a little angry, but their reaction goes beyond anything you could expect. So with this one, you end up walking on eggshells.

Refusal
The seventh sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that they are very dismissive people. And you’ll see this, especially in a relationship with a romantic partnership with a covert narcissist, you won’t feel like they really want you.

And even sometimes, if you feel like they want you there, you always know they don’t need you there.

You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. They strongly believe that they don’t need you because everyone can be replaced by a narcissist. It creates this feeling like they are always one foot from the door where they can leave at any moment. This is the sad truth. They can and do leave at any moment.

My judgment
The eighth sign that you are dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person will be extremely judgmental. Now, depending on how secretive they are, how insecure they are, they may not make superficial judgments. Maybe they don’t sit there gossiping about others in front of large groups. But even with an insecure narcissist, you will see it in their face, and you will hear it in their tone.

There will always be that disdain, and it’s all about how you accept them. So, if they are around people who enjoy destroying someone, they will do it. But if they are around someone who might try to shame them for doing it, they will keep quiet about it. But this judgment is always there.

Excessive entitlement
For example, they may decide for some reason that it is your sole responsibility to do all the housework. This is not a discussion, it is just their expectations.

This bleeds into many things. There is entitlement at work where the narcissist may feel entitled to a promotion when he does nothing, and barely shows up for work because he overestimates his contribution to everything.

He has the right to be introverted
In contrast to the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist is more introverted. This can be very isolating because it can get in the way of having a good time and having your own social life.

Because in these situations, the covert narcissist will also make you feel guilty or ashamed for doing things he doesn’t want you to do.

The transcendent and the superior
When a narcissist feels like he knows something more than you, or if you’re wrong to him, this is when he shows his superior attitude. This may also come if they think they are better than you because of their gender, race, or religion.

They are very likely to act better than you because they have that faith, and therefore they are good and you are bad.

Idealization and devaluation
They will idealize and devalue upon repetition. It is a cycle that repeats itself over and over again. After devaluation often comes neglect. It may or may not be something that’s completely in your face, like a clean break. They may be acting like they’re done with you. Maybe if you are in a romantic relationship, they are cheating on you and don’t care how you deal with it.

So, the idealization stage, we often talk about love bombing. That’s when they do their best and fastest when they build you up. The devaluation phase is when they tear you down. So they build you up only to tear you down. And it happens over and over again. This is one of the signs that if you experience this in a relationship, this is a big red flag.

Relationships shouldn’t be on this kind of roller coaster, no matter what type of relationship it is, it shouldn’t be too turbulent. If there has been abuse, it’s time to at least re-evaluate that relationship and what it means to you.

A different public picture
This person may have a different public image. And that’s one thing if you’ve been with that person for a while. It’s probably obvious to you that, you know, they’re different people behind closed doors than they are in public. But one way to know if you’re on the fence is to think about the way this person has treated you and some of the things they’ve said to you.

If the people in their life, the people who are close to them and who seem to be close to them in their life, are going to feel terrible and almost not believe it or maybe not even believe it at all that this person would say that, then this person has a different opinion public persona than private persona because you know very well And you expect them to say these things because you’ve been there so many times before.

Gas lighting
The fourteenth sign that you are dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person constantly gaslights. So gaslighting is often about some sort of lie or something they are trying to cover up. Even if you see it with your own eyes, they will deny it and make you doubt your sanity.

And if you want to learn more about gaslighting, I have a video about it, which I’ll link to here.

Very sarcastic
The 15th sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that this type goes hand in hand with some of the other signs, only that they are not happy people, they are very judgmental.

So they don’t have a rosy view of the world around them or of the people in their lives who they don’t trust because they know their intentions. So the narcissist may assume the worst of you, and almost always will. They may assume the worst of you and others just because they know what they are capable of, and just assume that everyone else is capable of doing the same.

Victim mentality
They may identify as a victim. Depending on who you are dealing with, you may see different levels of this. But in many situations, there is some sort of victim story and it can be a story from childhood or it can be a story about past relationships, or people who have wronged this narcissist, and they will gladly tell you that ahead of time. If you meet a narcissist in your adult life, or if it is a romantic relationship, they will tell you very early on.

In general, you will find a victim story. This is the type of person who can’t catch a break. Unfortunately for people with compassion and empathy, this may prevent you from actually leaving.

It can help you explain some things, some unacceptable behaviors, especially for highly sensitive people, and it may make you want to help, want to fix this broken person. The reason is usually because they don’t deserve it or because they didn’t try.

Everything revolves around them
The covert narcissist will twist any of your problems to be about them. This will manifest itself in many ways, but is most apparent when you are dealing with some type of grief or loss. They often start an argument, then twist and turn that argument until it’s usually about something you’ve argued about a million times before.

With a narcissist, sex is at the worst possible time. They expect something from you like sex, or it could be something else and they will throw an all-out tantrum if you don’t give them their way.

When you notice it is when you need their emotional support. This may happen again with sadness or when you are sick. It’s the time when you really need them and they’re not there.

Exploiting weaknesses
The covert narcissist will exploit your weaknesses. If you tell them something you’re afraid of, they may use it to hurt you. I know that when I was dealing with this, I had explained a lot of things that were obvious because I didn’t believe this person was hurting me on purpose.

But once I started seeing it from a different perspective, everything became clear. The weaknesses I gave up so freely were used against me.

Reduce anger
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a covert narcissist, I bet you’ve been here. There’s a lot of anger bubbling beneath the surface, and they keep it down a lot of the time. But if you say something wrong, if you say something that triggers them, they’ll completely explode.

The anger they show can also be a trigger. When you bring it up later, they don’t want to admit they were that angry. They don’t want to admit that they lost their temper, so they will deny it completely. This is another form of gaslighting. They may even deny yelling at you while yelling at you.

Smear campaign
When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you will often see that this person will engage in smear campaigns. There will be people who will talk bad about you, and you may think that this is your friend. They don’t say anything to your face, but they talk behind your back. You may or may not know that they are doing this until the matter has progressed much further.

So, until someone else tells you or you start noticing that people treat you differently and you start connecting the dots. So, this is the thing that you can protect yourself from quite easily because if you know that he is the type of person who shares things about others that seem inappropriate or if they talk badly about others or gossip a lot, then you should know that this is not someone to share your secrets with. Or trust him too much about anything.

My revenge
This person is very vindictive. You know not to cross this person. And if you do, you know they will retaliate. They won’t let it lie. This is why smear campaigns are often so successful because there are groups of people who know that it is no fun to be on that person’s bad side.

So, for now, they will participate in bringing down someone else because it’s not them. For now, they can breathe easier because they are not in the narcissistic spotlight.

Triangulation
This person relies heavily on triangulation. Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that narcissists often use. It could be the narcissistic parent who puts one of his or her children on a pedestal and compares other children to this child. Or it could be a romantic partner triangulating X’s against each other or X’s against their current partner.

Essentially, they are putting one on a pedestal to devalue the other. They can also use triangulation to make you feel guilty. They may bring other people to it. Well, this person thinks you’re this, and that. This person thinks you made this mistake. Instead of saying the thing themselves, they may use someone else to pin it on you. So this comes back in the smear campaign.

He avoids responsibility
The covert narcissist is very likely to avoid direct responsibility. So they are unlikely to take much responsibility for themselves, but they will be there to tell you that you made a mistake if you take that responsibility.

Now, if that’s something they feel completely comfortable with, they might do it. They may try to push for a position of power, but covert narcissists are more likely to sit on the sidelines.

It’s not the narcissism you know
The twenty-fourth sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is narcissism. You know something’s not right, you know something’s not right. You may have discovered that this person struggles with empathy, which is sometimes terrible for you, and sometimes wonderful.

So they go through this idealization and devaluation. The last thing you expect is that the person you are dealing with is a narcissist because he or she does not fit that stereotypical grandiose narcissistic image.

These are 24 warning signs of covert narcissism. So what do we do with this information?

I want to back up a bit and point out again that not all of these signs are surefire signs that someone is a narcissist. So there are some things you can do.

But if someone close to you shows more of these characteristics or warning signs, it’s a big red sign that something is wrong, and there’s a good chance you’re suffering from emotional abuse.

So it’s up to you to re-evaluate the people in your life and decide who you want around you because the people we allow into our lives have a huge impact on our self-worth and overall well-being.

24 Warning signs of a secret narcissist

Trending now