The image of the narcissist is well depicted in popular culture. You may think of a handsome, great, and beautiful man or woman, with a portable mirror (or camera phone) in their hands, so that they can appreciate their beauty whenever they want.
But this idea of narcissism only covers half the narcissists out there; As for the other half, there are covert narcissists.
So what are covert narcissists?
These are narcissists who share the same self-loving characteristics as more vocal narcissists but without any of the defining external traits of narcissism.
Covert narcissists are more dangerous because they understand how to hide their narcissism in a way that other narcissists don’t know.
And be in a relationship with one? It could ruin your life.
(This article will be divided into two parts. The first section will discuss understanding narcissism, the difference between covert and overt narcissists, and the signs and experiences of a covert narcissist. The second section will discuss being in a relationship with a covert narcissist: are you with one, why do you find it difficult to leave them, and how can you save yourself And move on.)
Part One: Understanding Narcissism
We often use the word “narcissist” to describe someone who may be obnoxious, arrogant, or self-obsessed.
However, narcissism also describes a serious mental health problem, and individuals who display a lot of certain characteristics may be classified as having narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic traits
To be clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or the official manual for professional therapists) states that an individual must have 5 of the 9 narcissistic personality disorder traits listed. These include:
- They lack empathy for others
- They believe that they are inherently more important than those around them
- They crave recognition of their inherent superiority
- They show extreme arrogance through their attitude and behavior
- They are paranoid that others envy them so much
- They have a natural sense of entitlement, believing that the world is their oyster
- They are obsessed with delusions of power, love, and success
- They exploit others to satisfy their constant need for admiration and attention
- They believe that only special people can understand them properly
While some researchers believe that people are born with narcissistic personality disorder, others believe that it is a behavior that is learned through the environment.
They say that while disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder have been shown to have genetic and chemical backgrounds, narcissistic personality disorder shows no physical abnormalities or brain differences.
There are two types of narcissism: covert and overt
As described above, the two types of narcissists—covert and overt—share the same goals and desires but seek to achieve them through different means.
An overt narcissist can be described as confident, assertive, and loud, but a covert narcissist is more insecure, negative, and quiet.
While both types of narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance, the covert narcissist – for one reason or another – displays a shyness that an overt narcissist would never exhibit.
This makes a covert narcissist more dangerous than an overt narcissist, as a covert narcissist can convince you that he or she is not a narcissist, while still working to achieve narcissistic goals.
Signs of a covert narcissist
1) Quiet self-importance
Real-world example: One-Upping
What you may have heard: “Did you get an A on the test? That’s great! Not as great as the A+ you got last week, but still good for you.”
How they want you to feel: torn between praise, shame, and a reminder that you are less than them. You are obligated to thank them for their “kindness,” even if it doesn’t feel right.
Like an overt narcissist, a covert narcissist cannot bear the thought that he or she may not be the smartest or best person in the room. But unlike the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist does not spread his colorful wings every time he feels threatened.
Instead, the covert narcissist is much better at displaying his superiority in subtle ways. This includes belittling accomplishments by comparing them with backhanded compliments and other arrogant remarks.
2) Careless ignorance
Real-world example: shadows
What you may have heard: “Oh, you texted me? Sorry, I didn’t see it. I was too busy with everyone messaging me.”
How they want you to feel: Insignificant and small. They know they’re tied to you, and they want to remind you by showing you who’s boss now and then. They want you to know that they don’t care about your time or your feelings.
Narcissists love to put the spotlight on themselves, even if that spotlight is just the attention of one person.
This involves manipulating the people in their lives into believing that a person’s time, wants, or needs only matter to their own.
So, while an overt narcissist may ask you to abide by his desires openly, a covert narcissist does so slowly and carefully.
Over time, they carefully break down your self-esteem regarding your time and needs. They do this by not keeping their plans with you – arriving late for meetings, changing plans on the go, never keeping promises, and even ignoring your messages.
3) Appreciate altruism
Real-world example: Sharing charitable donations
What you may have heard: “So I slipped $20 into the tip jar at Starbucks and the waiter was so grateful, it was funny.”
How they want you to feel: Admiration for their generosity and wealth. They want you to know they’re nice people, but they won’t do the nice thing if they don’t have a chance to tell you or someone else.
Altruism is supposed to be a selfless act of kindness and love. It should be about helping others and enriching their lives at the expense of a part of your own, unconditionally.
However, narcissists are unable to empathize with people and do not see the need to help others if they do nothing for them.
While overt narcissists don’t even care about mind games, covert narcissists care about how others think of them.
They want their social network to know every time they do a good deed because a good deed is not for the sake of the recipient; It’s up to them to raise their brownie points.
These are the people who, when tipping at a coffee shop, wait until the largest number of people in line are looking before dropping their tip.
4) Confusing others
Real-world example: gas lighting
What you may have heard: “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
How they want you to feel: Unsure of what you believe and what you understand. They want you to question your reality and perceptions, and by doing so, they want to solidify and reinforce their own opinions and desires.
Covert narcissists love to confuse others. They love seeing the self-doubt that others experience when their ideas and perceptions are wholeheartedly challenged.
Removing a person’s ideological foundation makes it much easier for the covert narcissist to exploit and manipulate them.
Remember: Covert narcissists only have one goal, which is to feed their ego.
They will do so by any means necessary, even (and often especially) if it comes at the expense of the people they care for.
5) Emotionally inaccessible
Real-world example: Too busy for you
What you may have heard: “You’re too sensitive. Just get over it already.”
How they want you to feel: Your emotions are a negative part of your psyche. They want you to feel superior to you because they have complete control over their emotions, while you don’t.
They make you feel small and stupid and even need emotional support from a friend or partner because they are emotionally stable and grounded.
Narcissists do not experience emotions in the same way as others, which is why they have difficulty building meaningful relationships with those around them.
While overt narcissists express this through obnoxious and loud behavior, covert narcissists tend to completely ignore their partners and friends.
They do not understand the need to compliment or flatter others, because they naturally believe that they are inherently superior, so anything their partners or friends might do is never enough to impress them.
Other experiences of being with a covert narcissist
- They get angry when you are sick
- They give up on you for no reason
- They forget your requests on purpose
- They take the spotlight when it comes to sex
- They make people fight each other
- They drain all your energy but give you none
- They have no interests other than self-gain
- They project their problems onto you
- They give you the silent treatment and make you beg and plead
- They are never trying to make you happy
- They don’t know anything about you
- Part Two: Dealing with the Secret Narcissist
Countless people are trapped in relationships with covert narcissists. If you’ve experienced any or all of the above examples, your partner may be one too.
Are you a target of covert narcissists?
Covert narcissists tend to target a specific personality type. These are people who possess characteristics that make them more vulnerable to covert narcissistic behavior, and covert narcissistic people can manipulate, exploit, and control over a long period.
These characteristics include:
Nanny, housewife (they pity the weak side of the narcissist)
Acting
Very sensitive
calm
Doesn’t have a large social network (they must rely on narcissists)
Self-doubt
Very nice
Self-reflection (they have a desire to become better which the narcissist can exploit)
Self-sacrifice (even if they admit to exploitation, they stay to help)
You may also like to read (article continues below):
3 ways to make a man Addicted to you
The strangest things men desire (and how to make them crazy about you)
Do you want her to be your friend? Don’t make this mistake…
#Freedom from the hidden narcissist
I know that breaking free from a relationship with a covert narcissist can be very difficult.
However, if there are people in your life who are destroying you, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend is Ideapod’s free, very powerful lessons on love and intimacy.
In this course, world-renowned shaman Rhoda Iande will help you identify the toxic relationships in your life so they can empower you to create change.
Most importantly, it will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from manipulative and toxic people.
Full disclosure: I watched this 60-minute course and found it extremely valuable as a way to improve my relationships.
The thing is, Rudá Iandê is not a typical shaman.
As he spends time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and playing drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda has made shamanism relevant to modern-day society.
He communicates and interprets his teachings to people living ordinary lives. People like you and me.
Check out the Masterclass here.
One of the things I learned from Rudá Iandê’s masterclass is that my relationship with myself is reflected in my relationship with others. I realized that it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.
A word of warning. The teachings that Rudá shares in this course are not for everyone. It doesn’t help you avoid your fears or smooth over what’s going on in your life.
This course is for you if you value honest, direct advice and want to be honest with yourself about what is needed to change your life.
#Why covert narcissists have dangerous relationships
Unlike relationships with normal people, relationships with covert narcissists are a game from beginning to end. They are designed to manipulate their victims from the beginning.
There are three stages to a relationship with a covert narcissist. These stages are:
Love Bombing: Love bombing is the first stage, where covert narcissists do everything to make themselves your perfect partner.
They do this by understanding your background and any underlying issues you may have and then presenting themselves as an ideal partner for you.
Love bombing varies from person to person, as we all have unique wants and needs in a partner.
