Once you start learning more about the ins and outs of narcissism, all the terminology and information may seem overwhelming. This emotional whirlwind can affect anyone, and you’re certainly not alone if you feel confused, afraid, or frustrated.
On the one hand, knowing is empowering. It can give you a working language to understand the foundations of some of your toxic relationships. But on the other hand, having this vision can be frustrating. Now you know the basic issues of your situation, all that’s left is for you to decide what you want to do with it all.
Covert narcissism can be particularly confusing. Is this person insecure and showing you low self-esteem? Are they more volatile than you realized? Or are they suffering from something else entirely?
Let’s uncover some of the key differences between covert narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Understanding the hidden traits of narcissism
Most of us are familiar with the repulsive personality of the arrogant, outspoken narcissist. After all, this is a person who loves attention and makes everything about him. They are loud, proud, and often insulting to be around.
But covert narcissism is a different breed entirely. These narcissists often seem incredibly “normal” when you first meet them. If anything, they may come across as shy, introverted, or depressed. They may be transparent about their struggles with low self-esteem or feelings of inferiority.
However, the more you get to know the covert narcissist, the worse things start to feel. First, you’ll notice that you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You are always trying to guess their needs. And when you guess incorrectly (which happens most of the time), you are punished with passive aggression and manipulation.
The covert narcissist will make it seem like you are the reason everything is wrong. But they may not tell you that directly or blame you directly. Instead, they will be subtle and sneaky, dropping odd comments here and there. This pattern of indirect behavior will only increase your confusion.
The covert narcissist relies on belittling others to feel good about themselves. But instead of being direct, they often gossip and pretend to like others when they think it’s important for their self-image.
Understanding the traits of borderline personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects about 1.4% of the population (although 75% of people diagnosed are women). Like narcissism, borderline traits are pervasive and chronic.
In essence, people with BPD often feel a constant sense of emptiness. They worry about rejection and may assume that people will inevitably hurt them. As a result, they tend to struggle in interpersonal relationships and often feel their emotions very deeply.
People with borderline personality disorder often experience impulsive behaviors. This condition coincides with problems such as substance abuse, eating disorders, and other forms of self-harm. Unfortunately, the mortality rate is also a major concern: 10% of this population dies by suicide.
Narcissism vs. Borderline Personality Disorder: Can the two coexist?
Indeed, narcissists and people with BPD often have complex trauma histories. This is a precursor to almost all personality disorders. These traumas likely serve as a false basis for fear of vulnerability and abandonment.
In addition, both groups of people tend to exhibit “hot and cold” behaviors. This means that one day, things look great. The next day, it may seem like everything is falling apart. You may not even be sure what caused this huge change!
However, narcissists exploit others to get what they want. They generally lack empathy (unless it is cognitive empathy), and often believe they are above the rules when it comes to getting their needs met.
People with BPD may exploit others, but their motives tend to be less nefarious. Their actions come from a desperate desire for connection.
Where a narcissist fears being ordinary, a person with BPD fears being hurt. Where a narcissist avoids intimacy because he wants all the power and control, a person with borderline personality disorder may avoid it because he wants to feel safe and protected.
Finally, when the narcissist exaggerates his or her perceptions of self-importance, the person with BPD only wants meaningful relationships. They are not interested in promoting their agenda; They appreciate the feeling that people care about them.
It is possible, of course, for some people to have borderline and narcissistic traits. But here’s the best way you can tell the difference. Life with a narcissist seems vindictive. You always feel like they are trying to pull something on you.
Are narcissists and people with borderline personality disorder attracted to each other?
It seems that these two groups of people often end up having relationships with each other. At first, the dynamic may seem confusing. But here is why it can happen.
A person with BPD often comes across as weak. They may lack healthy boundaries and cling to any relationship that seems safe at first.
Unfortunately, this energy can attract narcissists. The narcissist, after all, is always seeking to fulfill his or her narcissistic needs. They tend to be attracted to people who will submit to them or worship them — and a person with BPD may be giving those subconscious signals.
Thus, the narcissist will respond by love-bombing this new partner. They will do everything they can to make them feel special and appreciated. At first, everything will seem great: both partners may truly feel that they have discovered true, once-in-a-lifetime love.
Unfortunately, the accident often happens quickly. A person with BPD needs love bombing. It’s a sign of security, a way they can maintain their need for intimacy and connection. They appreciate being as close as possible.
But the narcissist begins to withdraw. In a sense, they already have what they want, so they are already starting to lose their appeal. At this stage, they tend to become more isolated. They may start looking for new supplies. Once they have it, they may ignore the relationship completely.
Can these relationships work?
Most of the time, no.
It is very difficult to be in a healthy relationship with a narcissist. For them, relationships are not a source of connection and intimacy. Instead, it is a way to satisfy their ego. So they find (and use) people who meet their needs.
In addition, most narcissists are not willing to work on improving themselves. They may make promises of change or show some half-hearted attempts, but real growth tends to be very limited or non-existent. They do not see themselves as having a problem but rather want others to conform to their expectations.
Thus, both partners end up feeling frustrated, hurt, and lonely. A person with BPD often experiences a familiar pattern of humiliation and rejection. The narcissist doesn’t have the bandwidth to process those feelings or validate what their partner may be feeling.
As a result, these relationships often become destructive and extremely volatile. A person with BPD continues to feel that his or her needs do not matter. The narcissist doesn’t care.
Are narcissists codependent?
When you think of a codependent person, what comes to mind? Is someone needy and insecure? Someone who can’t set boundaries with others? Someone who endures abuse?
It can be all of the above, but it can also be more than that.
Although we often think of narcissism and codependency as two separate issues, this is not always the case. The root of narcissism is codependency: the narcissist needs approval, devotion, and adoration from others to feel secure about themselves.
Ironically, this pattern tends to be more pronounced in covert narcissists. This is because they are more open about their fears, and sometimes they even flaunt them as a way to get the attention of others.
If you are an empath, you probably know what it feels like to be “called” to save others. You don’t want to see people hurt. Thus, you may find yourself in recurring cycles with hurt partners. You want to make them feel loved and special, even if that means putting their needs before yours.
Remember that all narcissists are codependent in their way. They lack a basic sense of identity. They cannot easily recognize their feelings or communicate their needs appropriately. They also lack boundaries – both for themselves and for others.
