Once you begin to learn more about the ins and outs of narcissism, all of the terms and information can seem confusing. This emotional whirlwind can affect anyone, and you are definitely not alone if you feel overwhelmed, scared, or frustrated.
On the other hand, having knowledge is empowering. It can give you a working language for understanding the foundations of some of your toxic relationships. But, on the other hand, having this insight can be frustrating. You now know the underlying issues of your situation – and now you’re left to decide what you want to do with it all.
Covert narcissism can be particularly confusing. Is this person just insecure and reflecting their low self-esteem? Are they more fickle than you realize? Or are they struggling with something else entirely?
Let’s reveal some of the key differences between covert narcissism vs. borderline personality disorder.
Understanding the traits of covert narcissism
Most of us know the unsavory personality of the outspoken and brilliant narcissist. After all, this is someone who loves attention and makes everything about him. They are boisterous, proud, and often demeaned by their presence.
But covert narcissism is an entirely different breed. These narcissists often seem incredibly “normal” when you first meet them. If anything, he may come across as shy, withdrawn, or depressed. They may be transparent about their struggles with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy.
However, the more you get to know the covert narcissist, the more things start to feel about them. First, you’ll notice that you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You are always trying to guess their needs. And when you guess incorrectly (which is most of the time), you’re punished with passive aggression and gaslighting.
The covert narcissist will make it seem as if you are the reason everything is wrong. But they may not tell you this explicitly or blame you directly. Instead, they will be mean and disingenuous, dropping weird comments here and there. This pattern of indirect behavior will only add to your confusion.
The covert narcissist relies on putting others down to feel good about themselves. But instead of being outspoken, they often gossip and pretend to like others when they think it’s important to their self-image.
Understanding the features of borderline personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects about 1.4% of the population (although 75% of people diagnosed are women). Like narcissism, borderline traits are pervasive and chronic.
In essence, people with BPD often feel a constant sense of emptiness. They worry about rejection and may assume that people will inevitably hurt them. As a result, they tend to struggle in personal relationships, and often feel their emotions very deeply.
People with BPD often struggle with impulsive behaviors. This condition coincides with problems such as substance abuse, eating disorders, and other forms of self-harm. Unfortunately, the mortality rate is also a major concern: 10% of this population dies by suicide.
Narcissism vs. Borderline Personality Disorder: Can the two coincide?
It is true that both narcissists and people with BPD often have complex histories of trauma. These are presented in almost every personality disorder. It is possible that these traumas laid a false foundation for fear of vulnerability and abandonment.
In addition, both groups of people tend to display “hot and cold” behaviors. This means that one day, things look great. After that, you may feel like everything is falling apart. And you might not even be sure what caused the massive change!
However, narcissists take advantage of others to get what they want. They generally lack empathy (unless cognitive empathy), and often believe they are above the rules when it comes to getting their needs met.
People with BPD may take advantage of others, but their motives tend to be less outrageous. Their actions come from a desperate desire to connect.
Là où un narcissique craint d’être méchant, une personne atteinte de trouble borderline craint d’être blessée. Là où un narcissique évite l’intimité parce qu’il veut tout le pouvoir et le contrôle, une personne atteinte de trouble borderline peut l’éviter parce qu’il veut se sentir en sécurité et protégé.
Enfin, lorsque le narcissique exagère ses propres perceptions de sa propre importance, la personne atteinte de trouble borderline ne veut que des relations significatives. Ils ne sont pas intéressés à faire avancer leur propre agenda ; Ils apprécient vraiment de sentir que les gens se soucient d’eux.
Bien sûr, il est possible que certaines personnes possèdent des traits borderline et narcissiques. Mais voici la meilleure façon de faire la différence. La vie avec un narcissique semble vindicatif. Vous avez toujours l’impression qu’ils essaient de tirer quelque chose sur vous.
Are narcissists and people with BPD attracted to each other?
It seems that these two groups of people often end up in relationships with each other. At first, the dynamic may seem bewildering. But here’s why this happens.
A person with BPD often appears weak. They may lack healthy boundaries and cling to any relationship that feels safe at first.
Unfortunately, this energy can really attract a narcissist. The narcissist, after all, is always seeking to satisfy their narcissistic supply. They tend to gravitate towards people who will submit to them or idolize them – and a person with BPD may very well be giving out those subconscious signals.
Thus, the narcissist will respond by bombarding this new partner with love. They will do everything they can to make them feel special and appreciated. At first, everything will seem great: both partners may really feel that they have discovered true love for once in a lifetime.
Unfortunately, breakdown often happens quickly. The person with BPD needs that love. It’s a sign of security, a way they can maintain their need for intimacy and connection. They appreciate being as close as possible.
But the narcissist starts to walk away. In a sense, they already have what they want, so it’s already starting to lose its appeal. At this point, they tend to be more conservative. They may start looking for new supplies. Once they get it, they may completely ignore the relationship.
Can these relationships work?
Most of the time, no.
It goes without saying that it is very difficult to be in a healthy relationship with a narcissist. For them, relationships are not a source of connection and intimacy. Instead, it is a way to satisfy their ego. So they find (and use) people who will satisfy their needs.
In addition, most narcissists are not willing to work on themselves. They may make promises of change or show some half-hearted attempts, but real growth tends to be very limited or non-existent. They don’t see themselves as having a problem – they want others to adjust and adapt their expectations.
Thus, both partners end up feeling frustrated, hurt, and lonely. A person with BPD often experiences a familiar pattern of humiliation and rejection. The narcissist does not have the bandwidth to actually deal with those feelings or validate what their partner might be feeling.
