Key Points

When you know the characteristics of narcissistic behavior, it can be easier to set boundaries.

Narcissistic behavior includes an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others.

Narcissistic relatives may try to create conflict between you and your spouse through triangulation.

Dealing with narcissistic relatives can be extremely stressful, impacting your well-being and your relationship with your spouse. Narcissistic behavior is characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. When dealing with narcissistic relatives, it is important to prioritize your mental health while finding strategies to manage the dynamics within your relationship with your spouse. While this article focuses primarily on marrying into a family with a narcissist, the advice also applies if your child, sibling, or parent marries into a family with a narcissist.

Here are some practical tips to help you navigate this complex situation:

Understanding Narcissistic Behavior

Educate yourself about narcissism so you can identify manipulative behaviors. Many narcissists will tell you that you are “too sensitive” or that you “can’t handle a joke” when you criticize their behavior. Their response may make you wonder if you have any reason to be upset. Realize that deep-seated insecurities and fragile self-esteem often drive a narcissist’s actions. Their behavior is not a personal attack on you, even if it is very personal. Narcissists often have issues with their manipulative behavior long before you meet them. When you recognize the characteristics of narcissistic behavior, it may be easier to set boundaries regarding your in-laws’ behavior.

Set Clear Boundaries Between Spouses

Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from emotional manipulation or abuse. Communicate your boundaries calmly and firmly. Consistency is key. To present a united front, both spouses should agree on boundaries and what will be done to enforce them. Remember, boundaries are not meant to “force” someone to do something; they are to remind you when you need to take action to protect your well-being. Consistently enforce your boundaries as a couple to show that they are non-negotiable. It cannot be stressed enough how important it is for your spouse to be on the same page with you. Setting healthy boundaries between spouses also includes agreeing on how much contact your minor children will have with your spouse’s in-laws. Sometimes, narcissistic in-laws will try to turn children against their parents. Consider limiting your children’s time alone with your in-laws, and setting rules for cell phone contact.

Practice Self-Care

Prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional resilience. Take time to engage in activities that keep you busy and help you feel competent and supported. Stay away from unhealthy interactions with your in-laws. Taking time away from family gatherings isn’t “selfish” — it’s usually expected that you don’t want to be around someone who is behaving in a toxic or abusive way. Taking care of yourself, including stepping away from a situation, enhances your ability to leave unwanted situations in the future. Another way to practice self-care with your narcissistic spouse’s in-laws is to set a time limit on your interactions, minimize contact, or even go without contact.

ConsiderLimitingContact

If your spouse’s in-laws cause chaos and drama when they attend a family event, consider having smaller family events where they aren’t invited. The narcissist won’t change his or her behavior if you point out that his or her behavior has hurt you. Instead, the narcissist may increase his or her behavior to “put you in your place.” Not including a family member in activities may seem like an extreme step. However, sometimes you and your family need to maintain some sense of normalcy and peace — especially around the holidays. If the narcissist finds out that he or she wasn’t invited to a family gathering, he or she may become angry or give you the silent treatment. You may also be subjected to negative and aggressive criticism via social media. It is best not to respond to angry emails, texts, or social media posts. End a phone call when someone is verbally or emotionally abusive to you.

Maintain Healthy Boundaries with Your Partner

Communicate openly and honestly with your spouse about the challenges posed by their narcissistic family members. Work together to set boundaries that protect your relationship and prioritize your well-being as individuals and as a couple. Your spouse may be fully aware that their family member is toxic and may agree with your boundaries and enforce them as needed. However, sometimes couples develop a pattern of enabling their family members. When your spouse enables a family member, they make excuses for their inappropriate behavior and may even listen to a family member talk badly about you or your children. Tell them that this is unacceptable to you, that you view a discussion about your spouse’s relatives as an attempt to work out a solution that works for both of you, and that you want to present a “united front.”

Consider Couples Counseling

A narcissistic spouse’s relatives may try to sow discord between you and your spouse through triangulation. Your mother-in-law may tell your spouse that you said something terrible about him or her and that they “have a right to know” what you supposedly said. This manipulation often leads to conflict between you and your spouse over something you know you never said. If clear boundaries aren’t agreed upon with your spouse, it can be an uphill battle. A licensed mental health professional can provide guidance, options, and validation. Talking to a neutral third party who understands your situation and how narcissistic relatives can damage a relationship can provide much-needed perspective and emotional support.

SetRealisticExpectations

Adjust your expectations when dealing with narcissistic relatives. Understand that narcissists typically don’t change their behavior or acknowledge their impact on others. Focus on realistic goals, such as reducing conflict, protecting your family, and prioritizing your well-being. While presenting a united front with your spouse is essential, your spouse may still have conflicting feelings about setting boundaries with their family. Your spouse has a history with this family member, and they may have traumatized your spouse. Consider encouraging your spouse to attend individual therapy. It is not recommended to invite a narcissist to a therapy session, as he may portray himself as the victim and then may “use” the therapy session against you or your spouse.

Dealing with narcissistic relatives requires patience, flexibility, and a proactive approach to self-care and setting boundaries. You and your spouse must present a united front; anything less may be taken advantage of by narcissistic relatives. Unfortunately, sometimes couples do not agree on the severity of the relative’s behavior or how to respond to it, even after couple therapy. In such cases, sometimes, due to the severity of the relative’s behavior and the lack of support from the spouse, people have had to make the difficult decision to end their relationship or marriage. This decision is made after much thought and consideration of whether the marriage (and lack of support) is contributing to a lower quality of life. It is recommended that you talk to a mental health professional if you are experiencing this issue. Sometimes, the hardest decisions are the best ones for your well-being and the well-being of your children.