Long, deep conversations can be a magical thing. It brings people closer together and makes people feel connected.
But if one person hogs the spotlight and talks, it can make the other person feel alienated, unwanted, and unappreciated.
Unfortunately, you may be the one causing those unpleasant feelings if you are a narcissist in the conversation.
According to sociologist Charles Derber, author of The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life, a conversational narcissist is someone who tends to dominate conversations in an attempt to shift the focus of the exchange onto themselves.
You might suspect this if you’re someone who needs a lot of attention, can’t seem to stop talking, or is just looking for people to tell you how great you are.
It’s not easy to admit, but if you think you’re a conversational narcissist, you may be right.
Here are five things you might do to prove you’re right and what you can do about it:
1) You do all the talking.
There is no doubt that conversation is engaging and fun and it is great to talk to new people.
However, if you’re the only one doing all the talking, you may need to reconsider your communication skills and think about a new approach to getting to know people.
According to Sherilyn Chung, a professional life coach, a conversational narcissist “does most of the talking about themselves.”
What’s worse is that people who “make this shift don’t even realize it’s happening.”
If you never hear from them again or they walk away after a few minutes, you probably didn’t care about them at all and were busy saying as much as you could without interrupting.
The first rule to follow if you want to avoid conversational narcissism is to listen to your conversation partner instead of talking about yourself.
The easiest way to derail your efforts is to start talking about yourself without even asking how the other person has been doing since the last time you saw them.
If you’ve just met, a few friendly conversations are in order, but if you want to make a real impression, make sure you listen to your partner fully before delving into anything about yourself.
Of course, listening is not as simple as it seems. It’s a skill, and like any skill, it’s something you have to work on.
One study by Faye Doyle (2003) showed that there are two different types of listening: “listening to understand” and “listening to respond.” Those who “listen to understand” have greater success in their relationships than others.
So, here are some tips so you can “listen to understand”:
– Avoid making assumptions or judgments.
– Focus on absorbing their message – rather than thinking about what you are going to say.
-Put yourself in the speaker’s place. Think about what they say from their perspective, not yours.
– Do not lose eye contact, and acknowledge that you are listening with yeses and yeses.
2) Don’t ask the other person questions.
A classic sign of narcissism is that you don’t care about the person you’re talking to.
You may think you care about them because you’re giving them advice or telling them what to do about a particular situation, but the truth is that you’re still just talking and taking up space with your words.
This is not because you are selfish per se. According to author Celeste Headley, author of We Need to Talk, in conversation, “people don’t know what to say…and the most common topic—the topic most comfortable for all of us—is ourselves and our own experiences.”
What to do instead:
If you want to have better communication skills and stop being a narcissist who rules the conversation, you will have to start asking others questions to engage them and make them want to talk to you more than they currently are.
After you’ve laid the foundation for a great conversation by signaling to your conversation partner that you’re interested in what they have to say, continue the conversation by asking them questions and listening to their answers.
It’s also a good idea to ask follow-up questions so they know you’re continuing to listen.
Also, keep in mind that you may want to ask questions to get people to talk about themselves.
According to research, when people talk about themselves, it triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money.
No wonder you suffer from conversational narcissism!
FBI behavioral expert Robin Drake says a great conversation strategy is to seek out another person’s thoughts and opinions without judging them:
“Seek out someone else’s ideas and opinions without judging them. People don’t want to be judged for any idea or opinion they have or any action they take. It doesn’t mean you agree with someone.validation is taking the time to understand what their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations are.”
3) Your story begins without any introduction or banter.
A good test for conversational narcissism is if you show up at a party and need all the attention and the spotlight needs to be on you: you launch into a story or start talking about something that happened to you without even saying hello to people.
It may sound like “just the way you are,” but improving communication skills can provide a better introduction to your conversations, make people want to talk to you, and provide a space for you to be invited into the conversation rather than monopolizing it.
According to author Celeste Headley, you can usually tell you’re a conversational narcissist if you’re passively saying “ah” and “yes” while listening to someone because you’re simply waiting for them to finish talking so you can begin.
What to do instead:
When the person you’re talking to gives you some information about their life, don’t try to outdo them.
A classic example of this is when your friend or colleague tells you that they are buying a new home, and you talk about how you bought your home and all the problems you faced when buying your home the first time.
They wanted to talk about their experience.
It’s hard to refrain from launching into a detailed account of your experience, but if you want to be a good communicator, you’ll wait until they ask you about your experiences.
According to Kristin Schoenwald at Psych Central, you may want to focus on how you respond when someone starts talking about something that interests them.
You can respond with either a shifting response (as in shifting attention back to yourself) or a supporting response (keeping attention on the speaker and the topic they are presenting).
Sociologist Charles Derber says that the skilled narcissist combines a variable response with a supportive response through responsive concessions before turning the conversation back to himself.
do not be like that. Focus on the message the speaker is talking about and only that.
The moment you start thinking about talking about your experiences, stop yourself and focus on the topic at hand.
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4) Interrupt people who are already talking.
Whether you just arrived at the scene or you’ve been at the party for hours, if you interrupt people when they’re talking, you’re a conversational narcissist.
You may not like the term, but it’s true: you have to wait your turn and be invited to participate in a conversation you weren’t originally part of.
Nobody likes someone who is looking for attention and trying to control the territory.
Even if you’re used to going your way and focusing on things, it’s important to let people finish their thoughts before you start talking about everything you want to say.
And really, how important is it that you say that in the first place? There’s no need to try to take control if the conversation is already going smoothly. Things may get complicated for no reason.
