Long, deep conversations can be a magical thing. It brings people closer together and makes them feel connected to each other.
But if one person is grabbing the spotlight and doing all the talking, it can make the other person feel alienated, unwanted, and unappreciated.
Unfortunately, you may be the one causing those unpleasant feelings if you are a talking narcissist.
According to sociologist Charles Dipper, author of The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life, a conversational narcissist is someone who has a tendency to dominate conversations in an effort to shift the focus of the exchange on themselves.
You might suspect that you’re like this if you’re a person who needs a lot of attention, you can’t seem to stop talking, or you look up to people just to tell them how good you are.
Acknowledgment isn’t easy, but if you think you’re a talking narcissist, you might be right.
Here are five things you might do to prove yourself right, and what you can do about it:
1) You do all the talking.
There is no doubt that conversation is engaging and fun and it’s great to talk to new people.
However, if you are the only person doing all the talking, you may need to reconsider your communication skills and think of a new approach to getting to know people.
According to Cherlyn Chong, a professional life coach, a conversational narcissist “takes over most of the talking for them.”
Even worse, the people who “make the change don’t even realize it’s happening.”
If you don’t hear from them again or they turn away after a few minutes, it’s probably because you didn’t pay any attention to them and were too busy saying as much as possible without interrupting.
What do you do instead:
The first rule to follow if you want to avoid narcissism in conversation is to listen to your conversation partner rather than talking about yourself.
The easiest way to derail your efforts is to start talking about yourself without asking how the other person has been since you last saw them.
If you have just met, a friendly bit of back-and-forth is appropriate, but if you want to really make an impression, be sure to listen to your partner fully before getting into anything about yourself.
Of course, listening is not as simple as it seems. It is a skill, and like any skill, it must be worked on.
In fact, one study by Faye Doyle (2003) showed that there are two different types of listening: “listening to understand” and “listening to respond.” Those who “listen to understand” have more success in their personal relationships than others.
So here are some tips so you can “listen with understanding”:
Avoid making assumptions or judgments.
Focus on getting their message across — rather than thinking about what you’re going to say.
Put yourself in the speaker’s shoes. Think about what they are saying from their point of view – not yours.
Don’t lose eye contact, and acknowledge that you’re listening right.
2) Don’t ask questions of the other person.
A classic sign of narcissism is that you don’t care about the person you’re talking to.
You may think you care about them because you’re giving them advice or telling them what to do about a certain situation, but the truth is, you’re still just talking and taking up space with your words.
This is not because you are self-centered per se. According to author Celeste Headley, author of We Need to Talk, in a conversation, “People don’t know what to say…and the most common topic—the most comfortable topic for all of us—is ourselves and our own experiences.”
What do you do instead:
If you want to get better communication skills and stop being a narcissist who rules the conversation, you will have to start asking others questions in order to engage them and make them want to talk to you more than they currently are.
After you’ve laid the foundation for a great conversation by indicating to your conversation partner that you’re interested in what they have to say, continue the conversation by asking them questions and listening to their answers.
It’s also a good idea to ask follow-up questions so they know you keep listening.
Also keep in mind that you may want to ask questions to get people talking about themselves.
According to research, when people talk about themselves, it triggers the same sense of pleasure in the brain as food or money.
No wonder you struggle with narcissism in conversation!
FBI behavior expert Robin Drake says a great conversational strategy is to seek out someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them:
“Seek out someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. People don’t want to be judged by any thought or opinion they have or in any action they take. It doesn’t mean you agree with someone. Validation takes the time to understand their needs, wants and dreams and their aspirations.”
3) You begin your story without any introduction or banter.
A good test of conversational narcissism is if you come to a party and need all the attention and the spotlight should be on you: you start talking about a story or you start talking about something that happened to you without even saying hello to people.
It may sound like “what you are” but improving your communication skills would provide a better introduction to your conversations, make people want to talk to you, and give you a space to be invited into the conversation instead of monopolizing it.
According to author Celeste Headley, you can usually tell you’re a conversational narcissist if you give negative words while listening to someone because you’re simply waiting for them to finish talking so you can begin.
What do you do instead:
When the person you’re talking to offers you some insight into their life, don’t try to outsmart them.
A classic example of this is when your friend or colleague tells you they are buying a new home and you go over how you bought your home and all the troubles you had with buying your place the first time.
They wanted to talk about their experience.
It’s hard to refrain from going into a detailed account of your experience, but if you want to be a good conversationalist, you’ll wait until they ask about your experiences.
According to Psych Central’s Christine Schoenwald, you may want to focus on how you respond when someone starts talking about something that interests them.
You can either respond with a shift response (as in diverting attention to yourself), or a support response (maintaining attention on the speaker and the topic they are introducing).
Sociologist Charles Dipper says that a skilled narcissist combines a switch-over response with a support response through tentative response compromises before returning the conversation to themselves.
do not be like that. Focus on the message the speaker is talking about and only that.
The moment you start thinking about your experiences, stop yourself and focus on the topic at hand.
4) Interrupt people who are already speaking.
Whether you just arrived on the scene or you’ve been at the party for hours, if you interrupt people when they’re talking, you’re a talking narcissist.
You may not like the term, but it’s true: you have to wait your turn and be invited to participate in a conversation you weren’t originally a part of.
No one likes someone who seeks attention and tries to dominate the floor.
Even if you’re used to getting your own way and getting things focused on you, it’s important to let people finish their thoughts before you break into a song about everything you have to say.
And really, how important is it that you said it in the first place? There’s no need to try to take over if the conversation is already running smoothly. You may complicate things for no reason.
What do you do instead:
Ask for an opportunity to give advice, don’t shove it.
If someone is sharing something with you, they are not looking for advice. In general, they are looking for a listening ear and a relaxed environment.
Wanting to fix people and help people through tough times is human nature, but unless you’ve been asked for your advice or seen in a situation, don’t offer it.
Nothing disturbs the status quo of conversation like unsolicited advice. Don’t let yourself succumb to the urge to take over the conversation.
And letting someone give their advice will really work for you.
“When you ask for advice, people don’t think so much of you, they think you’re smarter. By asking someone to share their personal wisdom, advice-seekers hit on the advisor’s ego and can gain valuable insights.”
5) You tell people that they are wrong in their opinions or experiences.
If you are trying to tell people that they are wrong during your conversations, you will have some problems in your conversational relationships.
This is especially true if you just met someone and you don’t agree with their opinions. It’s perfectly acceptable for someone to have a different view than you; It is not okay to tell them they are wrong.
What do you do instead:
A better approach is to ask them why they feel the way they do and to ask questions to get their point of view in a meaningful way.
No matter how you feel about their opinion, a good speaker will take the time to ask where the insight came from and respect the opinion for what it is: not a fact, but something based on experience and belief.
Another thing you can do to be a better conversationalist and avoid taking over the conversation is you want to avoid correcting people during your conversations.
There’s a polite way to correct someone without making them feel like you’re trying to take over: ask questions for clarification.
Don’t tell anyone they are wrong. Offer your insight and understanding and ask them for their opinion.
This is a great way to keep the conversation going and make you sound like a great conversationalist without grabbing things.
Keep in mind that you want to be aware of everything!
Harriet Swain in The Guardian explains the key difference between being informed and enlightened:
“Being well-informed does not mean being informed about everything. The former is about being able to ask intelligent questions in seminars, engage in discussion about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and realize that two of your teachers are having an affair. The latter is about imparting information on all of these topics. To everyone you know, even if you’re not entirely sure the information is correct.
You may also like reading:
Signs of a narcissist: No-bullsh*t guide to identifying a narcissist
3 ways to spot a malignant narcissist (and how to deal with them)
