Do you ever find yourself making a lot of compromises for the sake of your relationship? Do you find yourself so invested in your partner’s happiness that you forget about your own individuality? You may think that these actions increase the strength of a healthy relationship. But the truth is, you are a victim of codependency in a toxic relationship.

Here’s everything you need to know about codependency in a toxic relationship and how to recover from it.

Codependency can be an unhealthy side effect of a toxic relationship with a narcissist. But what does “co-dependence” really mean? What are the signs of dependence on others? What is the relationship of the dysfunctional family to co-dependence? How do you stop depending on others?

Definition of accreditation

What is codependency?

When you hear someone use the word “codependent,” often the first thing you think of is someone who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. This is because the term was developed specifically for this kind of relationship — initially.

What is the origin of the term dependence on others?

The term was developed by therapists who noticed that family members often take on the psychological defenses and survival behaviors of an alcoholic or drug addict, and thus the disease extends from the individual to the entire family.

What is the definition of reliability?

Codependency is defined as an unhealthy relationship where partners are overly dependent on each other. As a result, a non-functional pattern of living and problem-solving develops between the two. This is a learned behavior, often learned in childhood, which means it is often passed on from parent to child over the course of several generations. Psychologists consider it a behavioral and emotional condition that affects your ability to have healthy relationships.

Who is affected by codependency?

Originally, the term was used to refer to family members of alcoholics and drug addicts. Today, we understand that codependency also affects people in toxic relationships. Codependency starts in the family, which means it can affect any type of relationship, but codependent personality develops in childhood due to family dynamics.

How does codependency develop in a dysfunctional family?

What is a dysfunctional family?

Dysfunctional families are more common than most people realize. While a dysfunctional family deals with regular conflict, and blatant (and more subtle) misconduct, it often appears “normal and healthy” to outsiders.

Indeed, many children in dysfunctional families deal with physical or emotional neglect, and in some cases, psychological and/or physical abuse from parents, stepparents, and older siblings, often on an ongoing basis.

Why does a child from a dysfunctional family become a dependent adult?
We develop our understanding of the world and our place in it in childhood. Our parents reject us, ignore us, or ignore us, making us feel like we don’t care, or that we haven’t been seen or heard. When we feel unimportant, invisible, and unworthy, we begin to see ourselves that way.

We are not validated and in fact devalued by our dysfunctional families. This leads us to become unhealthy and dependent adults. And if we don’t treat ourselves, we can end up raising codependent and dysfunctional children, who may then continue the cycle with their own children.

Bottom line: Children growing up in a dysfunctional family become dependent adults because dysfunction seems natural to them, so they unconsciously seek it out or attract it to themselves. Then they pass it on to their children, who, in turn, do the same. This is why full personal development is required to fully overcome codependency – and to protect future generations from dysfunction.

Dependence in toxic relationships

As you might expect, this is also a common phenomenon among people who are in relationships with narcissists. This is because the narcissist has such inaccessible standards in any relationship that “display” is treated as an extension of the narcissistic self when it is appropriate – and nothing, when it is not.

Does this make sense? Both the narcissist and the codependent have no sense of self – so they need to connect to another person (the narcissistic supply) in order to drain their energy and personality.

Signs of dependence in a toxic relationship

How do you know you are in a codependent relationship with a narcissist?

When two people have a very close relationship, it is normal and mentally healthy to depend on each other for certain things. However, if one of you is toxic, abusive (mentally, physically, or otherwise), controlling, and/or overly neglectful of the other person in the relationship, this can lead to codependency.

If you are the victim in this situation, losing sight of who you are, just to please the other person, the relationship can become very unhealthy. One of the most troubling elements of a relationship is self-reliance.

Accreditation contest
Not sure you deal with codependency? Try the interdependence quiz here, or ask yourself these questions – and be honest when you answer them. This will help you understand if you have fallen into a pattern of codependency in your relationship.

Are you afraid to express your true feelings to your partner?
If you notice that you often hold onto your feelings for fear of how your partner will react, this is a sign that the relationship is not as healthy as it should be.
If you express your feelings honestly, do you feel guilty afterwards?
You may think “I shouldn’t have said anything…it just made it worse” after you’ve been open with your partner.
Do you spend most of your day trying to do everything for your partner?
If you are completing too many tasks for your loved one that they could easily do, you may be stuck in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship. These actions are done at the cost of your life.
Are you afraid to ask your partner for help?
If you can’t ask your partner for help, it’s very frustrating. In a healthy relationship, partners ask for help freely and regularly.
When you ask for help, how does your partner react?
Hopefully, your partner will be open and willing to help you whenever you ask. However, if you are a moderate, you may not feel comfortable asking or your partner’s answer.

Do you find yourself feeling hurt or angry because your partner doesn’t notice your needs?
Even though you’re trying to take care of everything, you’re disappointed that your partner doesn’t automatically see what’s going on with you. You wait and wait for your partner to get to know your needs but they rarely do.
Do you think you can’t have a friendship independent of your relationship?
Since you are busy doing chores and errands for your partner and they are rarely satisfied with the way you do them, you don’t have time to maintain a friendship.
Do you have hobbies and activities that you enjoy separately from your partner?
To maintain a healthy personal identity, it is important to cultivate your own hobbies and interests, outside of the relationship. If you don’t, it could be a sign of codependency.
Do you try to control things to feel better?
Because it feels like you’re walking on eggshells, you don’t want to upset your partner. Therefore, you take steps to control the situations however you can.
Would you describe your partner as needy, emotionally distant, or unreliable?
These qualities often attract partners who are seen as “caregivers”. Thus, codependency begins.
Do you have a perfectionist streak and try to get things right?
After all, if you get things right, your partner will probably be happier, more satisfied, and less angry, disappointed, or upset with you. If you feel this way, your relationship is likely codependent.
Do you trust your partner?
If so, your relationship may not be mutual. If you wonder what your partner is doing or suspect that they’re not telling you the truth about something, there may be bonding in your relationship. On the other hand, there may be some trust issues that you may want to work out.
How is your health in relation to stress?
People involved in codependent relationships often suffer from health issues that may be related to stress such as asthma, allergies, uncontrolled eating, chest pain, and skin disorders. Of course, if you experience any of these symptoms, it would be wise to see your doctor.

The good news is that if you believe you’re in a codependent relationship with a narcissist right now, you can begin to change your behavior right away to restore a healthy sense of who and what you are—and that’s what will heal you from that hurt and pain.

Use these questions to guide you in correcting your behaviors and emotional expressions in your loving relationships—and as you become stronger, you can work to remove negative influences from your life.

How to recover from dependence on others

Codependent recovery is a little different for each of us, but there are certain elements of the process that are common to all recovering codependents.

For all of us, recovery from codependency starts with recognizing the problem. The first thing you need to do is find some support from people who understand codependency. Scroll down for a selection of free credential recovery support and resources.

Next, you need to start working on understanding the situation and why it happened. Identify toxic people and situations in your life and find out how they got that way. This will help you start seeing the situation logically rather than emotionally – and it will help you move to the next step.

This causes you to overcome the interdependence stage – where you really start to move forward. This part is entirely about you: you learn who you are, decide who you want to be, and prepare for your personal evolution. This is where you begin to thrive and prepare to evolve.

You learn how to set and maintain personal boundaries and break relationship deals. You start to know what you really want, and you learn to listen to your intuition again. All the while, you’re erasing those old “voices” that tell you you’re not good enough, that you’re going to fail, that you never will be (insert dream here). You know, those repetitive phrases and devalues of self-concepts that abusers instilled in us.

You begin to define yourself and purposefully adjust your life. During your development, you can define yourself. You learn to first unconditionally accept yourself as you are at any given moment and then purposefully decide what you want to be. This leads you to refine and refine yourself and become secure enough in yourself that codependency is no longer an issue.

Reliance and resource recovery support
If you feel you need additional help and support in recovering from codependency, find a professional who is familiar with trauma and trained in helping people dealing with codependency. Depending on your particular situation, you may benefit from narcissist abuse recovery training, or you may do better with a therapist.

You decide what to do from here – if you’re not sure, take our free Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Quiz. With your results will come recommended resources for your situation. It’s completely free.