Reliability, don’t dance!
Ross Rosenberg, MD, LCPC, CADC
Psychotherapist, Counselor, Speaker, Professional Coach/Author
Author of Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us
Click here for excerpts, buy a copy of my new book
This “dance of interdependence” requires two people: the pleaser/affirmer and the receiver/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance occurs when one partner is codependent and the other is a narcissist or addict. Codependent people usually do not know how to cut off emotional contact or avoid important relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They typically enter into relationships with a partner who perfectly matches their relationship style or “dance style.”
It’s natural for codependents to be the followers in their relationship dance. When their passive style is coupled with a partner whose dancing style is characterized by control and self-confidence, the dance is packed with excitement – at least at first. After several “songs”, what was once charming and exciting, usually turns into a dance defined by drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped. Whether the two are infatuated or angry with each other, the compulsion to dance with their partner persists; No one wants to sit out dancing.
When a codependent and a narcissist come together in a relationship, their “dance” unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner keeps the lead and the codependent partner follows. Because the dependents give up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one steps on their toes.
Codependents usually give much more of themselves than their partners. As a “generous” but bitter partner, they seem stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for “the next song,” at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. Codependents confuse caring and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of what they describe as their strengths—selfishness and endless compassion—they end up feeling deflated, exploited, and wanting to be loved, but angry because they are not.
Codependent people are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, the codependent performs the “dance role” by allowing himself to be led in whatever direction his narcissistic partner may lead him. Codependent pretends to enjoy dancing but feels angry, bitter, sad, and lonely for not taking an active role in the dance experience. Codependents are often pessimistic and doubtful that they are good enough to find a dance partner who will love them for who they are rather than what they can do for them. Their self-doubt and pessimism turn into a form of learned helplessness that causes them to dance with their narcissistic partner.
Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to a mate or significant other who matches his egotistical and selfish dance style. They are naturally attracted to dancers who lack self-esteem and have low self-esteem – codependents. They intuitively know that they will be able to control their dance partner, and therefore they will also be able to control the entire experience.
All codependent people want balance in their relationships, but they seem to constantly choose a partner who leads them into chaos and dissatisfaction. When allowed to stop, dance with their narcissistic partner, or sit comfortably in the dance until someone healthy comes along, they usually choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. The Codependent does not dare to leave his narcissistic partner (…) in the dance because he lacks the self-esteem and sense of self-worth that would enable him to participate in the dance. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.
Without self-esteem or a sense of personal power, a codependent person does not know how to choose healthy, mutually giving partners. Their inability to be in a relationship with a balanced, healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious drive to find someone familiar… someone who reminds them of their helpless childhood. Many of the dependents were children of parents who also danced the dysfunctional dance flawlessly. Their fear of loneliness, the compulsion to control and reform at all costs, and comfort in their role as a loving, loyal, and endlessly patient martyr are often linked to the parental role they observed early in their childhood.
No matter how many times the Codependent tries to avoid “unhealthy” partners, they constantly find themselves on the dance floor mesmerized by different songs, but with the same partner. Through psychotherapy, and perhaps a 12-step recovery program, those with addiction begin to realize that their dream—to dance the great dance of love, reciprocity, and exchange—is indeed possible. Through therapy and lifestyle changes, they build self-esteem, personal strength, and motivation to finally find dance partners who are willing and able to share leadership, communicate their movements, and follow a common rhythm.
