Parenting is hard work. Co-parenting can be even harder. And if you’re raising your children with a narcissist, it can sometimes feel like it’s nearly impossible.

Take a deep breath. While you may have been connected to this individual through your children for what seems like forever, you can set boundaries and find support to make the task less overwhelming.

Challenges of Co-parenting with a Narcissist

Co-parenting alone presents some unique challenges that require collaborative thinking to overcome. Splitting time for custody or vacations can be tough for even the most kind-hearted parent.

If you can work together, the situation will be much better for everyone involved, especially the children. But as you probably already know, narcissists can be the opposite of cooperative.

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder tend to:

An exaggerated sense of importance

An excessive need for attention

A history of troubled relationships

A fundamental lack of empathy for the people around them.

These things directly contradict the traits needed for positive parenting and a good family dynamic.

Melanie Tonya Evans, author of You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse, explains that your ex may even try to use your children against you. Does that sound familiar? She also explains that in addition to conflict, you may face several other challenges while raising children with a narcissist, including:

Not agreeing on custody and other arrangements
Not being kind or accepting of your child
Interfering with your child’s routine, schedules, and possessions

You may see a common thread among these challenges—the narcissist’s need for control.

While it can be frustrating to deal with this, unless there’s abuse or another major reason for your ex’s separation from your child, it’s generally a good idea to try to find a way to make the situation work for both parents in the child’s life.

Related: How Can a Narcissist Be a Religious or Spiritual Leader?

Tips for Raising Kids Together with a Narcissist

But how do you make it work? Well, there are several ways you can regain control when it comes to raising children together.

Develop a Legal Parenting Plan

Narcissists may want to be in the picture as much as possible. If you have a legal parenting plan or custody agreement, you will have everything in writing. That way, if your ex starts demanding more time or trying to manipulate certain situations, it will be formally enforced by a party outside of your relationship.

The plan may include things like who pays for medical care (or what percentage), visitation schedules for daily living, and visitation schedules for vacations. Everything covered under the custody agreement should be written down and detailed so that there are no gray areas that can be exploited at all.

Working with a lawyer is a cost, but having a legal plan in place can help throughout the years of co-parenting.

Take advantage of court services

A temporary guardian is a court-appointed (neutral) person who is looking out for the “best interests of the child.” You can request their appointment.

The guardian becomes familiar with your child and their situation and makes recommendations to the court based on their needs. In terms of co-parenting, this might include things like where your child will spend most of their time or how much contact the child should have with either parent.

Mediators, on the other hand, act as a go-between for communication and resolution between the parents. In some places, they are a required part of custody disputes while in others their assistance is optional.

They can help resolve any issues that have brought you and your ex-spouse to court. They do not provide orders or advice. Instead, the parents decide on a parenting plan while working through the mediators. This plan is then presented to a judge and ultimately becomes a court order.

KeepSolidBoundaries

Narcissists thrive on the feedback they get from others—both good and bad. Setting boundaries is one way you can limit your ex’s ability to trigger you.

For example, you might suggest that you only communicate via text or email. That way, you have some time to respond before responding to requests and other communications that come your way. It also helps with documentation, which we’ll get to in a minute. These boundaries can extend to your ex’s relationship with your child as well. If your court-ordered agreement allows it, consider scheduling specific times when your ex can call and talk to your child during visitations. And stick to your position. The narcissist may not respond well to setting boundaries at first, but over time, you’ll find that they’re necessary and very helpful.

Related: Forgiveness and Borderline Personality Disorder

Parenting with Empathy

It can be hard to avoid the drama of co-parenting but try as much as possible to keep your child in mind. Parenting with empathy means putting yourself in your child’s shoes and responding to situations in ways that take their feelings into account first.

You can also help your child recognize their feelings—whether they’re sadness, frustration, or anger. If they know what they’re feeling, they can better talk about it and work through the tough times. Keep in mind that your child likely won’t get this kind of positive modeling or understanding from their narcissistic parent, so it’s especially important.

Avoid Bad-mouthing the Other Parent in Front of Kids

In addition, it’s a good idea to keep conflict with your ex and other insults or complaints to yourself (or perhaps to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist). Nagging puts your young child at the center of something they didn’t ask to be a part of. This only adds to the stress and pressure of taking a stand.

Avoiding Emotional Arguments

Again, try to keep emotions out of the mix. Your ex will likely enjoy seeing you anxious or upset. Don’t give them the satisfaction. When it comes to arguments, avoid using your child as a mediator, negotiator, or information-gatherer. Keep things between you and your ex.

If this is particularly difficult for you to master, try treating your communications with your ex like a job. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do have to work together. This mindset can help you navigate difficult discussions and keep conflict to a minimum.

ExpectChallenges

It can also help to reframe your expectations. If you go into different parenting situations expecting certain responses, you may be less shocked or stressed when issues arise. Instead, you may be pleasantly surprised if things go relatively smoothly.

Remember: co-parenting can be challenging even if you’re generally on the same page. While some situations can be particularly difficult when dealing with a narcissist, others are just part of adjusting to the new normal.

DocumentItAll

Write it all down. Or keep a digital log of the things you feel are important. This may include dates and times when your ex won’t give you agreed-upon visitation or any abuse/neglect you suspect. Anything that doesn’t seem right or isn’t being done as you agreed should be recorded if you want to take action.

You may even want to bring in an unbiased person (a neighbor, for example) to witness what you describe, such as being late or missing a pickup/drop-off. All the evidence you gather can be used in court to help you with custody. No detail is too small.

ConsiderCounseling

If it’s getting to be more than you can handle on your own, reach out to a licensed therapist. A licensed therapist can help you problem-solve and come up with solutions to those particularly impossible scenarios. Even just talking through your feelings with someone neutral can help you step back and reevaluate your situation.

Psychotherapy isn’t a bad idea for your child, either. Your child’s feelings about the divorce will likely be different from yours. You can try finding groups through your local school or community for children of divorce. Additionally, if you notice that your young child is acting out or having a particularly difficult time, ask your pediatrician for a recommendation for a child or teen therapist.

Keep Perspective on Conflicts

Even in the worst of times, be sure to acknowledge what you’re up against. Beneath that exterior of bold confidence, a narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and likely has very low self-esteem. Your conflicts are much less about current situations and much more about ego.

Knowing this is half the battle. What’s important is that you stay sane and that your child stays safe. Advocate for your child and keep their interests close to your heart. In the long run, shifting the focus away from all the conflict and toward what’s truly important will only strengthen your relationship with your children.

Try Parallel Parenting

When all else fails, you may want to consider parallel parenting, which is not the same thing as co-parenting. This type of arrangement allows you to cut off contact with your ex as much as possible. In particularly toxic situations, parallel parenting allows each parent to raise the child in the way they choose when they have custody.

What does it look like? Parents don’t attend events together, such as school concerts, sporting events, or parent-teacher conferences. You’re also likely to choose neutral locations to pick up or drop off your children. Communication only happens when it’s necessary. While this can be somewhat inconvenient for the child, it removes parental conflict from the equation, which can be helpful. Better yet, perhaps with enough distance, you and your ex may eventually be able to build better communication and cooperation.