Key Points

Co-parenting is not an option for those with narcissistic traits and behaviors.

Creating a custody plan with a narcissistic ex-partner is a task best left to legal professionals.

A narcissist will do anything to cause problems in their partner’s personal life and destroy their relationship with the child.

Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible. At best, one can adopt a parallel parenting style with strict boundaries and legal protections. The narcissist craves complete control of the situation, which allows them to take charge and set the standards. What are the signs of co-parenting with a narcissist, and can the situation be salvaged?

Traditionally, co-parenting has been described as when any adult helps the parents care for and support the children, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends. The concept of “co-parenting” in relation to modern divorce and custody cases has only been widely studied since the 1970s. Modern co-parenting is one in which both parents coordinate support, care, and control of the children without living in the same home or entering into a relationship together. This equates to sharing the child’s schedule, appointments, school issues, custody and childcare needs, medical needs, and more while respecting the other parent as a separate entity.

Co-parenting Boundaries

The concept of respect and privacy is why narcissists cannot fully understand proper, boundary-based co-parenting. Co-parenting does not mean that parents need to share their personal schedules and itineraries. Obviously, work schedules should be shared and pick-up or drop-off times should be coordinated, but only within the constraints of the child’s well-being.

Co-parenting, especially in a high-conflict divorce, does not mean being friends, spending vacations and holidays together, or getting permission from the other parent to date. Once the couple separates, they are no longer a unit, and are free to date and spend their time as they please. Unfortunately, this is the equivalent of a loss of control for the narcissist, and they react like a tornado: explosive, violent, and intent on causing lasting damage.

Related : Do Narcissists Respect Their Partners?

The narcissist cannot allow a child to go to the other parent’s house for a weekend or even a few hours without a fuss. Escalation of conflict, conflict, perceived insults, and any other minor hurdle in the schedule will be magnified and blamed on the shoulders of the non-narcissistic parent. The narcissistic parent will try to disrupt the other parent’s time as much as possible through phone calls, text messages, or insistence on attending activities with the other parent. The invasion of privacy does not stop when the children are handed over to the narcissist. The narcissist will then intrude on the other parent’s personal life.

Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting is a good option for parents to create a new life without the narcissistic parent but it can also be difficult to implement. It must be accompanied by strong boundaries and solid legal paperwork. Narcissists cannot keep promises and believe their own lies as truth; without a legal agreement, nothing is defensible. Parallel parenting limits interaction between parents and each parent is bound by their own decisions, activities, actions, and parenting style.

Signs of a Narcissistic Parent

A narcissist will find any way possible to complicate the other parent’s life, including:

Demanding to know all plans and activities that have occurred (or will occur) during the other parent’s time;
Refusing to hand over the child(ren) to the other parent’s time;
Texting or calling the parent or child (or both!) nonstop during the other parent’s time;
Questioning the child(ren) about everything that happened with the other parent, including what they ate, where they went, who they saw, etc., and then starting fights with the other parent;

Telling the children to record or take pictures of the other parent, the house, activities, etc. and sending them to the narcissistic parent to file unfounded claims with child protective services;

Engaging the child(ren) in mind and psychological games, such as planning elaborate vacations or having the parent(ren) have no rules or punishments, and comparing everything to the other parent’s ability to plan or provide care;

Teasing or cyberbullying the other parent’s friends, family, or new romantic partner;

Attempts to isolate the child(ren) from seeing anyone the narcissistic parent does not “approve of,” even for no reason. This may also include other family members or friends of the other parent;

Insisting on celebrating holidays or special occasions together “as a family” despite the other parent’s disapproval. Even when told no, the narcissistic parent will either attend (“It’s a public event!”) or guilt the children and the other parent;

Or will try to control who else is attending the events. (“You can come, but your new spouse isn’t allowed.”).

Telling children that the other parent “won’t let” them be a family or spend time together and making themselves a victim of suffering;

Refusing to abide by custody schedules or rules, such as moving to a different school district or not notifying them that they are taking a child out of state;

Changing their schedules or the children’s schedules without consulting the other parent and informing them of the changes at the last minute, forcing the other parent to adapt and change their schedule;

Harnessing and cyberbullying the other parent until they give in to demands;

Threatening to bankrupt or ruin the other parent;

Trying to seduce the other parent when starting a new relationship;

Manipulating text conversations and making out-of-context statements to people in order to destroy the other parent’s reputation, friendships, or relationships;

Spreading lies and rumors about the other parent or the other parent’s new romantic partner to make themselves look better, sometimes using this to cause problems at work or in court. Narcissistic ex-spouses and co-parents have been known to accuse the other parent of drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, rape, and stalking. These baseless allegations only complicate an already stressful and chaotic situation and cause irreparable reputational damage.

Parallel parenting can eventually give way to co-parenting over time, but when a narcissist is involved, it’s best to never lower your boundaries. The moment you do, they’ll sneak back in with the intent of completely destroying your life and everything you’ve built since the breakup.

PreventProblems

The best way to prevent problems is to have no or limited contact with your ex and put everything in writing. If you must, communicate only via email or text to keep a record of the statements and harassment. Be as specific as possible in your custody documents, including privacy guarantees, limited contact, exact times and locations for pickup and drop-off, and a clear vacation schedule. It’s also worth considering legal protection orders or restraining orders. If your ex is ever within the physical confines of your property or yourself, invest in a home security system with cameras to record interactions. Make sure to include everything in your custody agreement, such as how many times a day phone calls should be allowed. It may seem silly and unnecessary, but it will help when your ex calls you every hour demanding to know where the child is and ruining your precious parenting time. Obviously, a narcissist will never willingly agree to parallel parenting because it will force him or her to give up control over you. Keep in mind that this is your attorney’s area of ​​expertise, so let him or her fight for you.

Related : What Happens in Narcissistic Encounters

While you will never be able to protect your child from the negative influence of their narcissistic parent, a parallel parenting plan with strong guidelines and boundaries is the best way to protect children from parental battles. The ultimate way to get the most out of a narcissistic divorce or custody battle is to improve and protect yourself. Finding a good therapist, trusting your attorney, and surrounding yourself with strong, loving people is just one barrier between you and your narcissistic ex. When you improve your life and become physically and mentally stronger, you create a better environment for your children. In turn, your children will want to be with you and in your environment. A happy life, despite custody issues or financial stress, is something your ex can never take away from you.