Co-parenting with a narcissist is nothing short of a difficult and painful experience. However, co-parenting with them, or even parallel parenting with a narcissist is possible and manageable. Almost impossible but manageable.
the main points
Co-parenting is not an option for those with narcissistic traits and behaviors.
Creating a custody plan with a narcissistic ex-partner is a task best left to legal professionals.
The narcissist will do anything to cause problems in their parents’ personal lives and destroy their relationship with the child.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible. At best, one can adopt a parallel parenting method with strict boundaries and legal protections. The narcissist craves complete control over a situation that causes him to call the shots and set the standards. What are the signs of co-parenting with a narcissist, and can the situation be salvaged?
Traditionally, co-parenting is described as when any adult helps parents care for and support the upbringing of children including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends. The concept of “co-parenting” as it relates to modern divorce and custody cases has only been studied extensively since the 1970s.
Modern co-parenting enables both parents to coordinate the support, care, and control of children without living in the same home or a relationship together.
This is the equivalent of sharing a child’s schedule, appointments, school problems, daycare and babysitting needs, medical needs, and more while still respecting the other parent as a separate entity.
Parenting limits
The concept of respect and privacy is the reason why narcissists are unable to understand proper and boundary-specific co-parenting. Joint custody of a child does not imply that the parents need to share their schedules and itineraries.
Work schedules should be shared and pick-up or drop-off times coordinated, but only within the constraints of the child’s well-being.
Co-parenting, especially in high-conflict divorce situations, doesn’t mean being friends, taking vacations and vacations together, or getting the other parent’s permission to date. Once a couple separates and separates, they are no longer one unit and are free to date and spend their time however they choose.
Unfortunately, this equals a loss of control for the narcissist, and they act like a hurricane: explosive, violent, and bent on causing lasting damage.
The narcissist cannot let the child go to the other parent for the weekend or even a few hours without any fuss. Escalation, conflict creation, perceived insults, and any other minor snag in the schedule will be exaggerated and the blame will be placed on the shoulders of the non-narcissistic parent.
The narcissistic parent will try to get in the way of the other parent’s time as much as possible through phone calls, text messages, or insisting they attend activities with the other parent. The invasion of privacy does not stop when the children are handed over to the narcissist. Then the narcissist inserts himself into the other parent’s personal life.
Parallel parenting
Parallel parenting is a good option for the parent to create a new life without the narcissistic parent but it can also be a struggle to execute. It must be accompanied by strict limits and solid legal paperwork.
Narcissists are unable to keep promises and believe their lies as truth; Without a legal agreement, nothing can be upheld. Parallel parenting limits interaction between parents, and each parent is committed to his own decisions, activities, procedures, and parenting style.
Related: 5 Signs You Are Not Depressed, But Surrounded By Toxic Assholes
Signs of a Narcissistic Parent
The narcissist will find any way possible to complicate the other parent’s life, including:
Demand to know all plans and activities that have occurred (or will occur) during the other parent’s time;
refusal to hand over the child(ren) to the other parent’s time;
texting or calling parent or child (or both!) nonstop during the other parent’s time;
questioning the child(ren) about everything that happened with the other parent, including what they ate, where they went, who they saw, etc., and then starting a fight with the other parent;
Telling children to record or take pictures of the other parent, home, activities, etc. and send them to the narcissistic parent to make unfounded claims with Child Protective Services;
engaging the child(ren) in mental and psychological games, such as planning elaborate vacations or being a parent without rules or penalties, comparing everything to the other parent’s ability to plan or deliver;
harassing or cyberbullying the other parent’s friends, family, or new romantic partner;
Attempts to isolate the child(ren) from seeing anyone the narcissistic parent does not “approve” of, even without reason. This can also include other family members or friends of the other parent;
Insist on celebrating holidays or special occasions together as a “family” even though the other parent may not agree. Even when told no, the narcissistic parent will either show up (“It’s a public event!”) or the children and other parents will feel guilty;
Alternatively, he will attempt to control the other people who appear at the events. (“You may come, but your new wife is not allowed.”)
telling children that their other parent “won’t let them” have a family or spend time together and become a victim of suffering;
refusing to abide by the custody schedule or rules, such as transferring school districts or failing to serve notice about the removal of the child from the state;
changing their own or the children’s schedules without consulting with the other parent and telling them of the changes at the last minute, forcing the other parent to accommodate and change their schedule;
harassing and cyberbullying the other parent until they comply with demands;
threatening bankruptcy or insolvency of the other parent;
trying to seduce the other parent when starting a new relationship;
manipulating text conversations and making out-of-context statements to people to damage the other parent’s reputation, friendships, or relationships;
Spreading lies and rumors about the other parent or the other parent’s new romantic partner to make themselves look better, and sometimes this is used to get them into trouble at work or in court. Narcissistic exes and co-parents have been known to accuse the other parent of drug and alcohol addiction, domestic violence, rape, and stalking. These baseless claims do nothing but complicate an already stressful and messy situation and damage reputation beyond repair.
Parallel parenting can eventually give way to co-parenting over time, but when a narcissist gets involved it’s best to never lower your boundaries. The minute you do, they’ll creep back in with the intent of destroying your life and everything you’ve built since the breakup.
Prevent problems
The best way to prevent problems is to have no or limited contact with your ex and to put everything in writing. If you must, just reach out via email or text to get a record of the statements and harassment.
Be as specific as possible in your guardianship documents, including a privacy guarantee, limited contact, specific pick-up and drop-off times and locations, and an explicit vacation schedule. It is also worth considering protection orders or legal restraining orders.
If your narcissistic ex is within the physical confines of your property or yourself, invest in a home security system with cameras to record interactions.
Be sure to include everything in the custody agreement, such as how many times a day phone calls should be allowed. It may sound silly and unnecessary, but it will help when your ex calls you every hour demanding to know the whereabouts of the baby and spoiling precious parenting time.
A narcissist would never willingly agree to parallel parenting because that would force them to relinquish control over you. Keep in mind that this is your attorney’s area of expertise, so let them fight for you.
Although you will never be able to protect your child from the negative influence of a narcissistic parent, a parallel parenting plan with strong guidelines and boundaries is the best way to protect children from parental quarrels. The best way to get the most out of a narcissistic divorce or custody battle is to improve and protect yourself.
Finding a good therapist, trusting your lawyer, and surrounding yourself with strong and loving individuals are just one barrier between you and your narcissistic ex. When you improve your life and get stronger physically and mentally, you create a better environment for your children.
