“That’s what I know. Don’t settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship—shouldn’t be too small, too narrow, or even a little shaky. It shouldn’t take up space in your closet out of guilt, convenience, or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? Must It must be perfect for you. It must be permanent. Wait. Wait for 100 percent.” – Deep Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming
Here are some of the reasons people settle for relationships that don’t give them what they need.
We’ve all been in the type of relationship where friends and family keep asking us why we’re still with “that guy” or “that woman.” That partner we keep making excuses for: “She’s just friends with all her exes.” “He only drinks like this because his friends make him.” “When she is jealous, it is because she loves me so much.” “He’s not in control, he’s worried about me.”
Choosing to stay just because you feel like you need someone.
When you have to make these kinds of excuses for your partner, you’re not getting what you need. But as awkward as it is to admit it, you stay because you feel like you need someone — anyone — in your life, even if it’s a lot less than you deserve.
So you end up on relationship autopilot, making excuses for unacceptable behaviors, and ignoring warning signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship. When your partner disappoints you again, you get angry, make another excuse, and then stay.
Related: Beyond ‘I Love You’: 10 Powerful Love Phrases for Expressing Your Feelings
Here are some reasons why people settle for relationships that don’t give them what they need.
7 reasons we accept less than we deserve
- Denial
When we deny what we need, who our partner is, and whether we are happy or not, we are lying to ourselves. Women, in particular, are good at this. We only see what we want to see, and we explain the rest.
The lies we tell ourselves and others start to sound believable because we’re trying so hard to convince everyone that we’re blissfully in love. It becomes easier to deceive ourselves than to face the truth.
- Illusions
We think we can somehow change our partners, and make them the person we want and need.
We assume that no matter what their history is, somehow they will act differently from us. We cling to romantic notions of what love “should” feel and look like, and ignore our intuitions when our reality doesn’t align with our imagination.
- Shame
At the core of shame are deep feelings of inadequacy. We feel unworthy, unloved, and disconnected from others. When we grow up being invalidated and misunderstood, we are already on the path to feeling like we don’t deserve much of anything.
Related: The Trouble With Unrequited Love
- Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is often the result of shame.
If we grow up in a family where our needs are not met, validated, or even acknowledged, we often end up feeling like what we need isn’t important, or that we don’t deserve to have what we need. We end up sabotaging our relationships with controlling, rescuing, and/or people-pleasing behaviors.
- Accreditation
This does not mean that we should not depend on anyone. What we deserve is a healthy relationship with a reliable partner.
But heavy codependency — “I can’t exist without a partner” — is unhealthy. In essence, we cannot recognize our wholeness and completeness. We enter into relationships as if we were half a person.
- The Void
When we grow up in a family where our need for care, attachment, and empathy is not met, emptiness is the result. Children of such families feel abandoned, and this feeling can last into adulthood.
This emptiness can manifest itself in depression, anxiety, chronic loneliness, and isolation.
- Fear of abandonment and rejection
Early loss of bonding with a primary caregiver can cause an intense fear of abandonment.
Children who are afraid of being rejected end up taking on responsibilities far beyond what they are developmentally capable of. When these children become adults, the risk of rejection is still their biggest fear, so they are willing to do anything to keep their partner.
Related: Soul Ties: What Makes Love True, According To Buddhism
When we don’t recognize and deal with these issues, we end up settling for undervalued every single time. So take a moment, slow it down, and investigate what motivates you to push to make the relationship work even when you know deep down that you deserve better. The truth is, you deserve to find a relationship where you don’t need to settle.
