Selfishness, self-centeredness, and manipulativeness are all traits we associate with narcissism. If this combination of traits is taken to its extreme, it can become the basis for a mental disorder, which, as such, must meet certain diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5.
However, even in its mildest forms, narcissistic traits can make life very difficult for both the individual and those who care about him or her.
Throughout psychology’s attempts to understand narcissism, there have been occasional declarations that it’s not that bad. We distinguish between “pathological” narcissism and potentially healthy narcissism. As Michael Roach of Pennsylvania State University and colleagues (2013) put it, “Normal narcissism involves the organization of mature regulatory mechanisms that promote adaptive and achievable self-enhancement experiences and realistic aspirations that are consistent with an authentic and relatively positive view of the self” (p. 237). In other words, healthy narcissists feel good about themselves and can act in ways that allow them to act positively and effectively in the world.
Because narcissism is often vilified in the literature, especially when authors write about supposedly narcissistic millennials—and the parents who made them that way—it’s important to keep in mind that a certain degree of self-esteem can be adaptive. Children raised to feel good about themselves by parents who praise their behavior don’t always turn into adults who constantly expect to be worshiped. Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers spoke of the importance of parents providing unconditional positive regard, allowing their children to feel like the old Stuart Smalley character from “Saturday Night Live”: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and damn it, people like me.” The opposite scenario occurs when parents impose conditions of worth on their children, leaving children feeling anxious and uncertain about whether they are, in fact, “good enough.” This internalized anxiety can become the basis for pathological narcissism, where these individuals, as adults, attempt to cover up their insecurities about their self-worth through a variety of self-aggrandizing strategies.
Other approaches distinguish between “grandiose” and “vulnerable” narcissists, both of which represent pathological forms of the trait. With an internal core of insecurity, pathological narcissists either put on an outward display of bragging (grandiose) or constantly seek approval and attention from others (vulnerable).
Assessing the ever-expanding body of psychological research on narcissism, Rosch and his colleagues proposed that a key component of a healthy form of narcissism is the ability to “self-regulate.” That is, an individual learns to manage the occasional threats to self-esteem that we all face, while still striving to achieve important life goals. Yes, your parents may not always meet all your needs, but with a secure foundation for your sense of self, you can manage these lapses without spiraling into anger, frustration, and disappointment. It is this mature self-regulation that, over time, increasingly characterizes a healthy form of narcissism.
Rosch and his fellow researchers developed a matrix in which they combined two dimensions of self-regulation: primitive and mature. They assume that everyone needs admiration and esteem as components of self-esteem. Mature forms of self-regulation lead to a person feeling ambitious, successful, and reasonably satisfied. You can be high or low on this dimension. However, primitive forms of self-regulation include feeling better about yourself by developing grandiose fantasies of grandeur, exploiting others to get ahead, and getting angry when others challenge you. Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are high on the primitive self-regulation dimension.
Combining these two dimensions, both high and low, produces 3 cells (the fourth possibility is theoretically nonexistent) with these traits:
Primitive: People see others in black-and-white terms (all good or all bad), feel helpless, and experience feelings of shame, anxiety, and distress when threatened.
Mixed: People see others in black-and-white terms, tend to be “vain” (false pride), but exploit others to get ahead and become angry when frustrated.
Essentially mature: sees others in more complex ways, expresses a desire to act in healthy ways, has reasonable ambitions, can handle frustration, and can exercise self-control and work hard to achieve goals.
As you can see, of the three forms of narcissism, one represents a healthy, psychologically mature person who acts in reasonable ways to feel effective, secure, and loved. In testing their model on several large samples of undergraduates, Roche and his team found support for this three-part model of narcissism. Because the sample consisted of young adults, we might imagine them on different trajectories, with the two less mature types eventually developing into the mature type as they grew older, becoming more able to cope with frustration and disappointment. In support of the idea that even immature narcissists can develop over time, University of Michigan psychologist Robin Edelstein and colleagues (2012) examined longitudinal patterns of narcissism among middle-aged women. Although they did not use Roche et al.’s model, they looked at similar traits—hypersensitivity (vulnerability to criticism), stubbornness (grandioseness), and independence (self-reliance and self-direction). Over time, the women in the sample maintained their relative status relative to each other, but all showed a decline in hypersensitivity. However, for narcissism to mature healthily, the conditions must be right. All of the women in the sample had graduated from elite colleges, and as they moved through middle age, they may have felt the challenges associated with aging in a youth-oriented society. Their sense of stubbornness increased, suggesting that they were trying to overcome these challenges, but their sense of independence decreased, perhaps suggesting why they felt frustrated with achieving their goals.
The transition over time from unhealthy narcissism to healthy, mature narcissism may not happen automatically. Your inner resolve needs support from other people who allow you to feel supported, loved and needed. Although children need the most support of this kind, we never lose the reliance we have on others to maintain a positive sense of self and identity. Your behavior may determine, in part, whether that support comes your way, because people react negatively to immature narcissists, regardless of age. As you gain self-confidence, experience success in your endeavors, and grow through your relationships, you can gradually let go of those narcissistic tendencies and allow your healthy inner self to achieve expression and fulfillment.
