In this day and age, narcissism has become somewhat of a buzzword in the modern dating world. The term refers to a specific pattern of behavior characterized by grandiosity, extreme self-focus, and a lack of empathy, among other narcissistic traits. These traits certainly make it difficult for a person to be around, and dating a narcissist can often be a harrowing experience.
Studying the effects of dating a narcissist
In this study, the researchers wanted to understand how a person’s mental health is affected by a romantic partner who is prone to two different types of narcissistic behavior: narcissistic rivalry and narcissistic admiration.
Narcissistic rivalry refers to hostile behaviors towards others that aim to protect the narcissist’s grandiose self-image, such as being aggressive and devaluing others in order to make yourself look as good or look better than them.
Narcissistic admiration refers to behaviors that have the same purpose — trying to boost your self-image and assert your superiority — but by being charming and confident so that they admire you.
To examine how these behaviors affect a narcissistic partner in a romantic context, the researchers looked at data from a survey of more than 7,000 German couples (specifically relationships involving one man and one woman) who are currently living together. The survey asked each partner questions about their mental health and various personality traits and behaviours, including those associated with narcissism.
What did they find
What the researchers found surprised them: Having a partner high in these narcissistic behaviors actually had little or no effect on a person’s mental health, contrary to what they expected. “The expected direct effects on romantic partners were not demonstrated,” they wrote in the paper.
There was one exception, where women, in particular, tended to have lower mental health when they had a male partner who had particularly high tendencies toward narcissistic rivalry (that is, behaviors such as aggressiveness and devaluation of others). But even then, additional analysis suggested that those negative effects on women’s mental health might actually have been less related to a partner’s narcissism and more to do with the occasional personality traits they tend to co-exist with — such as low agreeableness and extraversion.
“The lack of a clear link between someone’s narcissism and their partner’s mental health was surprising and did not support our hypotheses,” Leopold Maria Lautenbacher, the psychology researcher who led the study, told PsyPost.
The team stresses that more research is necessary to validate these seemingly disconcerting findings, but conclude that these narcissistic behaviors may not actually matter much for a romantic partner’s mental health.
What do people often get wrong about dating a narcissist
“Having a somewhat narcissistic romantic partner doesn’t have to automatically sound the death knell for your mental health,” Lautenbacher explained. “We did not detect clear trends regarding worse (or better) mental health for individuals with increasingly narcissistic partners.”
But there’s a big caveat to this, he notes: “Keep in mind that we’re not talking about narcissistic personality disorder here—the findings are limited to non-pathological differences between individuals in narcissism.”
The thing is, we all have certain levels of narcissism, and not everyone with narcissistic traits necessarily has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (the clinical diagnosis of extreme narcissism). As licensed therapist Alyssa Mankaw, LCSW, previously told mbg, “It’s very common for most people to display narcissistic behaviors.” “These behaviors come and go and they don’t last long, and they don’t cause much impairment in your relationships,” she adds.
None of this means that you should tolerate unacceptable behavior from narcissists in relationships, of course. Narcissistic abuse is real, and it is important to know the warning signs and end a relationship with a narcissist if abusive behavior appears.
However, studies like this one suggest that it is possible to date a narcissist without the dynamic necessarily becoming toxic to your mental health.
Takeaway
Not every relationship with a narcissist is automatically a disaster. While narcissistic behavior is often a red flag, it is important to recognize the nuances when it comes to narcissism.
As psychologist Carla Marie Manley, PhD, writes for mbg, “Provided there is no abuse at play and you feel good about staying in the relationship, there are ways you can learn to forgive—and even lovingly connect with—the narcissist in your life.”
If you find yourself in this situation and you’re up for the challenge, she has a complete guide to loving a narcissist while also making sure you look out for your own well-being, too.
