Is it possible to have a normal marriage with a narcissist, let alone a marriage without abuse and lies? When you are married to a narcissist, every day is like meeting someone new.
Written by Dr. Elinor Greenberg
What goes on behind closed doors is not as attractive as things seem.
Many people with narcissistic personality disorder appear to be in successful and happy marriages. Their social media posts show them laughing together over a special dinner, walking hand in hand along the beach, and even renewing their wedding vows in front of friends and family. Should we believe the pictures? Can a narcissist have a happy marriage?
Unfortunately, the answer is always “no”. The photos and general behavior of the couple show one thing, while something less attractive is going on behind the scenes. Once past the courtship stage, all relationships in which someone has narcissistic personality disorder involve some type of abuse and a great deal of stress.
Because people with narcissistic personality disorder are not alike, every couple will have their own form of misery. However, this misery follows a somewhat predictable pattern.
Read : Surviving A Mom-ster: Trials And Tribulations Of Daughters Of Elderly Narcissistic Mothers
Narcissistic partners usually quarrel over trivial matters, verbally insult their spouse, and tend to be intrusive and controlling. They often say and do very hurtful things. In some of these happy couples, the narcissist’s wife is physically abused and hides the bruises with clothes or makeup.
Marriage with a narcissist
Even if nothing overtly awful happens, most narcissists feel free to ignore their spouse’s requests and “forget” to honor any promises they made that no longer fit them—such as their marital vow to be faithful or their promise to come home early for dinner.
If the non-narcissistic partner attempts to have a rational conversation about what seems unfair, the narcissist is likely to become angry. People with narcissistic personality disorder are generally unwilling to accept any responsibility for anything they do that makes their spouse unhappy.
They may lie, distort the truth, rewrite history, or shift blame and present themselves as the real victim. Whatever they want in the moment is usually more important to them than the actual truth or happiness of their mate.
Note: I am using the terms narcissistic and narcissistic as a shorthand way to describe people who qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Why does the couple look so happy?
The usual reason is that one or both of them are pretending to be happy. High functioning people with NPD are perfectly capable of bringing their mate to tears before the two of them leave for a party or dinner with another couple, and then spend the rest of the evening pretending everything is okay. Each spouse usually has their own reasons for keeping up appearances.
A person with NPD needs to project an ideal image and an ideal relationship.
A non-narcissistic partner may try to avoid public embarrassment, so he goes along with the claim.
Even worse, the non-narcissistic partner may be afraid to tell anyone the real truth about the relationship.
Many people in this situation feel unwilling to leave the relationship, even when it becomes abusive. People stay for all kinds of reasons: lack of money, fear of being alone, dependency issues, religious beliefs, or unwillingness to deprive children of a parent.
Many spouses of narcissists hate confrontations and hope things will improve if they ignore the bad behavior. If the narcissistic partner is doing well, they will likely have some good times together, as well as bad times.
This creates a situation where the abused partner does not want to rock the boat and complain when things are going wrong. When things go wrong and the narcissist becomes angry and devalued, the non-narcissistic partner knows that complaining will only make things worse.
Husband dilemma
If non-narcissistic couples want the relationship to continue, they learn to ignore much of their partner’s bad behavior. Over time, this avoidant pattern allows the narcissistic spouse to take more and more control over every aspect of their lives. Trying to tell friends and family the truth about the relationship can be very embarrassing.
It is hard to explain to people who have never lived with a narcissist how abusive and controlling this seemingly sweet person can be. And if you explain it, others won’t understand why you just didn’t leave.
There are three basic formulas for the husband’s dilemma. They differ due to the characteristics of the partner’s narcissistic subtype.
- Exhibitionist narcissist:
When their mate does not meet their whims and demands, they become angry and devalue. Showy narcissists rarely follow through on any promises they make to their mate unless what they promise aligns with what they currently want.
If not, they may “forget” the promise, claim they never said “it,” or not mean it the way it was made. Some, but not all, are so detached from the truth that they lie freely. Others simply twist the truth to suit their needs.
Read : The Narcissist In Court: What You Need To Know
Example – Exhibitionists Sam and Fran
Fran came from a close loving family. When Sam married Fran, he agreed that he was happy to have dinner with her parents and siblings once a month. After they were married, he found that he did not like these dinners because he was not the center of admiration. Sometimes other people at the table brought up topics that bothered him.
Sam began to search for reasons for missing this dinner. When Fran caught up to him and reminded him of his promise, he felt gruff and said:
You are very attached to your family. It’s not healthy! Besides, they always ignore me. If I had known what they are, I wouldn’t have made such a promise. It is null and void for the time being. If you want to see them, go visit without me, but don’t expect me to sit at home waiting for you.
- Closet Narcissist:
Roommate narcissists are usually less overtly confrontational with colleagues because they are more visible than exhibitionist narcissists. They sometimes see themselves as helpless victims who justify their bad behavior because their mate did wrong. They will exaggerate, take things out of context to get their point across, or lie outright to evade consequences.
Justified translation: Their mate doesn’t do what they expected.
Read : Cheating On A Narcissist: Can A Victim Trick Them?
Example – Needy hackers Sarah and Charles
Sarah has the narcissistic sub-type of NPD closet. She looks warm, friendly and cute. However, she feels entitled to get what she wants and is self-centered and lacks emotional empathy like any other type of narcissist. Sarah can be very demanding and intrusive when she doesn’t get what she wants or thinks she needs.
Whenever Sarah becomes anxious or bored, she calls her husband Charles at work and asks to speak with him – despite knowing he has important meetings all day and has been repeatedly told not to call him at work unless it is an emergency.
If Charles doesn’t come to the phone or answer her call right away, Sarah becomes frantic and keeps calling him every ten minutes. If he’s still not responding, you may already be showing up at his workplace. She justifies this by telling herself that she was worried that not taking him back was due to a very unlikely emergency.
She also gets angry at him when he imposes boundaries. She feels deserving of all his attention. She may use his lack of response to extend her involvement and call a co-worker or friend to check on him, to punish him, and as an alternative solution to overstepping his bounds.
Sarah doesn’t think about other people’s feelings when she gets excited. Instead of directly confronting her husband, she will try to manipulate or make him feel guilty to get what she wants. Charles has learned to fear seeing Sarah’s name appear on his phone because he knows she only wants his attention and will find a passive-aggressive way to punish him if he doesn’t respond.
- The malignant narcissist:
In my experience, they are all abusive, sadistic, and controlling. They lie when it suits them. Most sane mates with little self-respect and the ability to make a living leave these marriages eventually. If they don’t, they will likely become a broken, insecure mess. It’s hard to pretend to be happy when you’re in a relationship with a malignant narcissist.
Read : 7 Clever Slang Terms For Discussing Narcissism
Example – sadistic Jerry and broken Janet
Janet marries Jerry because she admires his intelligence and what she sees as his strength. Unfortunately, I misjudged the situation. Jerry was a malignant, controlling narcissist. What seemed strong was his unwillingness to adapt to the reasonable demands of others.
He never forgot a slight and loved to take revenge on anyone who dared to disappoint him. What Janet initially saw as protective, was an expression of Jerry’s desire to control every aspect of her life – what she wore, who her friends were, how often she could see her parents and siblings.
Janet entered the relationship as an independent and high-functioning person. She had a decent job, a good relationship with her family, and no history of mental illness. After a decade of marriage to Jerry, she was a broken mess who cried all the time.
