Try to point out the narcissist’s mistakes and the attack is likely to be responded to with force. Expect the narcissist to show understanding during difficult times and soon the conversation will turn back toward the narcissist. Ask the narcissist to forgive an error in judgment and a detailed accounting of all blunders will be listed.
Within the definition of narcissism is a lack of remorse, empathy, or forgiveness. Narcissists have a fantasy vision of themselves where they are all powerful, knowledgeable, beautiful, and influential. Even when reality proves otherwise, their distorted self-perception contributes greatly to selfish behavior. So, if it’s all about them, why does a person need to admit fault, show compassion for others, or overlook other people’s mistakes?
In the eyes of the narcissist, they don’t. However, when it is in their best interest, the narcissist can show limited remorse, empathy, or tolerance. Here’s what it looks like:
Regret. For a narcissist to show remorse, the benefit must outweigh the cost. For example, a narcissistic manager may value a client’s financial contribution so much that he or she is willing to show sadness over a forgotten commitment. Or a narcissistic parent may want his favorite child’s approval of his willingness to admit his mistakes to other children. Or the narcissistic spouse may make a joke about his indiscretion in front of another couple to avoid any negative comments made by the spouse.
Essentially, showing remorse is part of a calculated formula where the cost of admitting a mistake is small compared to the potential positive return. For non-narcissists, this equation can be used as well. It is much easier to get the narcissist to admit fault when the benefit is clearly pointed out in the discussion. However, true remorse is not likely because it requires awareness that the narcissist is not immune from wrongdoing
Related : How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse
sympathy. Many narcissists are skilled at faking sympathy for short periods of time. They can learn from movies, videos, and compassionate people who show a caring response in times of distress. But showing understanding over a long period of time is almost impossible. In order to show empathy, a person must see things from others’ point of view and be willing to let that perspective take over. As much as narcissists may try, their distorted perception of reality will not allow them to see things differently. It’s like asking a color-blind person to see yellow or blue.
However, when a narcissist seems like a hero to someone less fortunate, he or she will accept the challenge. From an outsider’s perspective, this may seem sympathetic, but from the narcissist’s point of view it is not. For the narcissist, saving another person is further proof of his superiority.
forgiveness. Granting forgiveness to those who do wrong feeds the narcissistic ego. Once again, it’s another opportunity to show how superior they are to others. But there is a very high price to pay when asking for forgiveness from a narcissist. First, they may say they forgive, but they will not forget even to the point of reminding the person of the wrongdoing many years later. Second, there is some type of compensation that will likely be sought in exchange for clemency that usually goes far beyond the crime. Finally, narcissists reserve the right to withdraw forgiveness without warning if it is in their best interest.
It is common for forgiveness to be for the mental well-being of the victim, not the perpetrator. But when the wounded person is a narcissist, there are two things he does with the pain. First, it’s added to the list of deep-rooted insecurities that no one knows about and that are covered up by bravado. Second, it is ignored as unimportant to their self-worth and therefore not worthy of their attention. Either way, the perpetrator won’t know the difference.
It can be frustrating to view remorse, empathy, or forgiveness from a narcissist’s perspective. But what’s even more harmful is to expect them to act and think like everyone else when they don’t.
