Breaking up with a narcissist can leave you with trauma that takes years to resolve. This shock can happen again when you least expect it.
As I watched America suffer the devastating attack on the US Capitol on January 6th, live on television, a wave of painful memories came flooding back to me.
I started breaking up with my ex after eight years of marriage. However, the narcissistic control and manipulation continued for many years because of my fear.
Narcissistic abuse syndrome is a real thing.
More than two years after the divorce and several other upsetting incidents, I found myself driving down the highway from my home to my parents’ house one quiet Sunday afternoon when my ex-husband’s car appeared in my rearview mirror.
After an intense encounter on the road, I found myself, my child, my friend, and my parents in isolation. I tried to hide my panic from my son as I hid him and called 911.
This wouldn’t be the first time my ex got seriously cranky. He has threatened me verbally before. He had left annoying voicemails before and his speech had been increasingly erratic over time.
He told us to remain a family, that I couldn’t live without him, and if he couldn’t have me, no one could. Sound familiar?
#Breaking up with a narcissistic person is not easy.
Like everyone who deals with narcissists, the fear of their inability to accept and deal with the consequences is what protects them from facing any of them.
The narcissist’s goal is always to maintain or regain control over you. They use intimidation, coercion, lies, force, fear tactics, and even threats to harm themselves or others just to create guilt and terror within you and keep you “in” the relationship.
You can then comply out of fear while they enjoy the confidence that they still “own” you.
The narcissist is an intelligent, strong-willed predator looking for a vulnerable victim.
Narcissism knows no geographical, social, economic, or political boundaries. It is a personality disorder that is noted at diagnosis and does not require a doctorate. To recognize her in her most blatant displays.
Even Lady Liberty was unable to escape falling prey to an intimate relationship with someone, married him, and now faces the consequences of separation.
Although the victim may also be intelligent, he or she has a weakness that can be easily identified and can therefore be easily exploited.
In my case, I had a wound that would not heal. My heart was still broken from a previous relationship – and the narcissist knew it. He knew that my broken heart had made me feel “less than” in so many ways.
My self-esteem and confidence took a huge hit and he knew what I “needed” to hear. And in “need” the narcissist finds a target.
“He was a fool to let you go.”
“You’re much prettier than her.”
“You are the girl of my dreams.”
The emotional power of words, the whirlwind of attention and gifts, the rush to put a ring on it and be pushed to the altar. The flirtation matched the words — until it didn’t.
For America, its heartland was being damaged by manufacturing jobs, its southern border was vulnerable, and a neglected population found an attentive partner who told them what it needed to hear.
“I will be the greatest president God ever created.”
“I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall.”
“I will make America great again — and strong again, because it has become so weak.”
America became infatuated with his narcissistic flirt.
Although some warned her, she married him anyway. His words were so empowering and so satisfying!
But the honeymoon will end in broken promises, excuses, a long list of hateful words, and downfall.
Like a husband who became aware of the emotionally abusive nature of the relationship and decided to end it, America decided by popular and electoral vote last November to separate from its president of four years.
Some elected officials have done the same.
However, there seem to be some who still excuse and enable just like the narcissist’s emotionally abused wife.
#The narcissist’s power to distort the truth.
Narcissists struggle to make others believe that everything is incredible when they look at it from the outside. When you’re on the inside, you may doubt something, but somehow you’re always convinced that you were wrong and he was always right.
Now that the impeachment trial is underway and 43 senators haven’t held America’s former narcissistic man accountable, you may be wondering how they’re being courted — or intimidated — to maintain their loyalty.
“I have to stay! I might lose my job.”
“I have to stay! He threatened to ruin my personal life with what he knows about me.”
“I can’t bear his anger like others did. It’s easier to be with him than against him.”
I have learned a lot through my experience of being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist and the dangers of breaking it off.
“I have to stay! I might lose custody of my child.”
“I have to stay! I don’t make enough money to keep the house.”
“I can’t stand his threats. It’s better to stay than worry about what he might do if I leave.”
Related: How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother
#This is not a political article.
This is a non-partisan behavioral observation that parallels what happened in America and raised painful memories in myself and in many who were in intimate and even professional relationships with narcissists.
The Republicans chose a candidate who was described as having narcissistic traits and whose behavior was excusable. He spoke of the pain points of many hurting people, and America “married” him, even though part of her was wary.
During America’s marriage, she saw the “I love you today, I hate you tomorrow” patterns in the narcissist. America has seen the “I was just kidding” cover-up styles of narcissists.
She listened as the reckless words were woven like gold, and she was left in a cloud of confusion, questioning herself, her values, her intelligence, and what she thought she knew before.
America witnessed that many of the “promises” in the engagement were not fulfilled. She heard the word “blame” when they didn’t, and she saw someone go down every time. So, it can’t be his fault, right?
She could continue to defend him because he always gave her a reason to do so. She was fighting his battles, destroying his enemies, crossing her limits, committing his crimes, and serving his time.
After all, she was loyal to him, right? He was hers, and she was hers, until the end, wasn’t he?
Until, he said, enough of America, enough. America has disconnected from him and has regurgitated typical narcissistic reactions.
blame. Entitlement. anger. Stalking. flatter. Cash. Demanding. Care. Threats. love. Dislikes. aggression. punish. He controls. betrayal. Repression. Pressure, pressure, pressure.
It takes courage – acting despite fear – and being very clear about who you are and what you stand for. If not, you will fall in love with anything or anyone and give in to their power games.
#What do you do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist?
First, admit it. Get to know him. Nothing changes without awareness. Then, it becomes a choice not to stray from your thoughts, values, feelings, truth, beliefs, and freedom.
This choice requires courage, determination, and tough skin as you may be faced with feeling overwhelmed once again.
As America separates from its narcissist, you may find that at times you are still fascinated and courted, while at other times you are ignored and condemned.
It’s your life. Take ownership of it. God has given you work for your mind, heart, body, and soul. Do not give it to anyone. And protect him from the abuser.
Get professional help to guide you through the burnout, fear, and self-doubt that has taken hold in the relationship and is sure to try to sabotage your effort to leave it now.
Related: The Brutal Truth About What Life After Divorce From A Narcissist Is Really Like
