Dating a narcissist is stressful.
On the surface, it’s charming, captivating, and makes you feel like a million bucks.
On the other hand, they are manipulative, selfish, and don’t care about your feelings.
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for a while, it can be difficult to leave them because they have made themselves the center of your world.
But if they are a narcissist, leaving them will benefit your emotional health and your life, so it is imperative that you maintain the courage to go along with it.
Here are 15 things you need to know about breaking up with a narcissist.
1) You will feel sudden and wild
If they break up with you, it will feel like a car accident that you weren’t expecting. They will not hesitate to tear off the bandage without considering your feelings.
You will be left wondering what went wrong. no. Their reasons will be entirely about them – and nothing to do with you.
You wouldn’t even notice this breakup coming, especially if they love blowing you off, making you feel like you’re all they want.
The real reason they broke up with you is because they are done using you. Narcissists engage in relationships in order to “get” something out of the relationship.
According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissists are skilled at “taking advantage of others to get what they want” and “have an inflated sense of self-importance.”
The most likely scenario is that they will show no remorse or apologize for breaking up with you.
It’s brutal for you, but realize who they are – they’re all about themselves and you’ll be better off without them.
They will only leave and come back if they can get something from you.
2) They will beg, plead, or even try to negotiate
Now if you are the one who chose to leave, prepare for attempts at negotiation and pleading.
They don’t like it when they don’t get what they want. And if they are still in a relationship with you, that means there is still something they want from you.
This is why they will not leave you easily.
The most common thing is that they will “promise to change”. They will immediately try to do things to make you feel amazing.
Once it becomes clear that you won’t budge, they will start threatening you by saying things like “You’ll be lost without me” or “You’ll never find a good one.”
Don’t worry, this is normal. Don’t listen to them and be manipulated into getting back at them. Not worth it.
But don’t get me wrong, it won’t be easy to leave them for good. According to experts, a victim needs an average of seven times to leave before they stay away forever.
It is important to have the courage to stick to the course. You will be very grateful in the long run.
3) Breaking the trauma bond
In any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond—a bond between the abuser and the victim through intense, shared emotional experiences.
To leave forever, you must break this bond.
The reason this bond was so hard to break is because it was so addictive. You get abused but then you are rewarded with love bombs when you do something right for the abuser.
This can really affect your mental health as you can experience frequent bouts of stress and sadness when you are being mistreated, but then skyrocket when you are rewarded with good behavior.
Often the victim doesn’t really know what’s going on, as manipulative tactics and love breaks put the victim in a cycle of self-blame and desperation to win back their partner’s affection.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you simply must learn to stand up for yourself and break that bond.
Because you have a choice.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is Ideapod’s very powerful free mastery lesson on love and intimacy.
World-famous shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the narcissistic people in your life so you can make a change. Most importantly, it will also teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from them.
Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.
While he spends time with the indigenous tribes of the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and beating his drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda made shamanism relevant to modern day society.
A word of warning. The teachings Rudá shares in this training program are not for everyone. It does not help you avoid your fears or smooth out what is going on in your life.
This course is for you if you value honest, straightforward advice and want to be honest with yourself about what it takes to turn your life around.
4) Next, you need to establish any connection.
No connection seems quite simple, but it will require strength. You will have to block their number and delete them from social networks.
Basically, figure out all the different ways they can contact you and shut you down.
This sounds difficult, but it is necessary. Narcissists are subtle manipulators and they know exactly what to say to get themselves back into your life.
So the best way to avoid manipulation is to break it off and give up contact.
In Mind Body Green, Annice Star, who was involved in a relationship with a narcissist, decides to see her partner again after months of separation. Here’s why it’s a bad idea:
Also, keep in mind that it’s okay to break up with a narcissist over text – that way they won’t be able to manipulate you.
5) If you can’t avoid them, use the “gray rock technique”
In short, the Gray Rock method enhances blending.
If you look around at the ground, you don’t see the individual rocks as they are: you see the dirt, rocks, and grass as a group.
When we confront narcissists, they tend to see it all.
The Gray Rock method gives you the option to blend so that you don’t serve as a target for that person.
If you can’t completely separate them from your life, try to separate yourself from them as much as possible.
If you want to be in the same room as them, distract yourself with your phone. Don’t attend the talks.
Answer short answers and don’t engage in conversation.
At first, they will get frustrated with your inaction, but eventually they will see that there is no possibility of moving forward with you and they will move on to someone else.
If they don’t get what they want: the satisfaction of hurting or manipulating others, they will find another source of that satisfaction.
When the person enters the room, do your best to just leave.
(Related: If you want to discover the 6 Deadly Relationship Sins and learn how to “re-attract” your ex-boyfriend, check out my new article here.)
6) Think about the relationship so that your next relationship will be even better
To break up with a narcissist, you need to reflect on the relationship and figure out what went wrong.
Although narcissistic behavior is never your fault, it is important to learn your lessons from the relationship so that your next relationship will be more successful.
And for women, I think the best way to ensure success in the future is to learn what really drives men in relationships.
Because men see the world differently than you and are motivated by different things when it comes to love.
Men (even narcissists) have an inherent desire for something “greater” beyond love or sex. This is why guys who seem to have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly looking for something else – or worst of all, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he’s interested in.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He made an excellent free video about the concept.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true of how men approach their relationships.
Therefore, when the hero instinct is not activated, men are less likely to feel fulfilled in a relationship. He’s holding back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you unleash this instinct in him? How do you give it a sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend you’re not someone else or play the role of “damsel in distress.” You don’t have to impair your power or independence in any way, shape, or form.
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to advance to make it happen.
In his video, James Bauer demonstrates several things you can do. He reveals little phrases, texts, and requests that you can use right now to make him feel more important to you.
Here’s the video link again.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you will not only boost his self-confidence, but you will also help take your (future) relationship to the next level.
7) Remove any connections in your life with the narcissist
Do you have any mutual connections on social media? Remove them.
It sounds harsh, but the narcissist will find any way they can to try to win you back.
And they won’t be shy about using your friends to do so.
Even worse, if they already know they can’t take you back, they may abuse you in your mutual communications.
After all, they don’t care about your feelings. The only thing they understand is that you left them and they didn’t get everything they wanted from you.
So if you want to move on with your life and start over, remove any associations in your life that you have with the narcissist, unless of course they are good friends and you can trust them completely.
Remember, the more relationships you have with your ex, the more chances they will have to snoop their way back into your life.
8) Remember why you broke up with them
Now that you’ve ended the relationship, you might be feeling a little let down. It’s a big change.
But those negative feelings you feel may make you question your decision.
You may start thinking about all the great times you had with your narcissistic partner. Emotions will come rushing back and regret will bubble up.
Don’t listen to those feelings. You have to keep in mind that they do not represent the relationship.
According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “showering someone with signs of adoration and attraction… designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”
So to evenly regain your sanity, jot down all the reasons you wanted to break up with your partner in the first place.
In the end, it was a decision you didn’t make lightly. Remember these reasons, because if they are self-serving narcissists, you probably made a great decision for your future to get rid of them.
And if the narcissist ends the relationship, write down all the negative aspects of the relationship. When you look at the relationship from the outside, chances are there were a lot of them.
To dive deeper into strategies and techniques to help you get over your ex, check out our latest eBook: The Art of Breaking Up: The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of Someone You Love.
9) Be prepared to move forward very quickly
Most narcissists recover quickly from a breakup because their feelings were never real in the first place. After all, they weren’t emotionally invested in the relationship and were simply using you to get something they wanted.
This is one of the reasons you want to dump them on social media — it’s not entirely uncommon for them to be charming and manipulate another person within a week or two and post romantic pictures.
So if you see them with someone else quickly, keep in mind that they probably “like to blow them up” trying to use them. Be glad you are no longer.
Moreover, according to Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. In Psychology Today, it’s a bad idea to assume that “someone else is going to get the good version of her.”
It says that a “better version” doesn’t really exist. The way you were treated is exactly the way you would treat their new lover.
Narcissists tend to be very stable in the way they act in relationships.
10) Get angry
Here’s a counterintuitive piece of advice if you want to break free from a narcissist: get angry with them.
I believe that anger can be an excellent motivator to make real change in your life. Including moving on from toxic relationships.
Before I explain why, I have a question for you:
How do you deal with your anger?
If you’re like most people, you suppress it. You focus on having good feelings and thinking positive thoughts.
thats understood. We have been taught throughout our lives to look on the bright side. The key to happiness is simply to hide your anger and envision a better future.
Even today, positive thinking is what most mainstream personal development “gurus” preach.
But what if I told you that everything I’ve learned about anger is wrong? That anger – if harnessed properly – can be your secret weapon to a productive and meaningful life?
Shaman Ruda Iyandi has completely changed how I view my anger. He taught me a new framework for turning my anger into my greatest personal strength.
11) You will be sad
Even though they were narcissistic, you likely had a strong emotional bond with them — even if it wasn’t.
Therefore, you will feel bad about it, and you will go through a grieving process. The more you accept and process these feelings, the faster you will get over them.
Narcissists know how to charm people’s socks off – and that’s exactly what happened to you for a long period of time. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t get a little frustrated about letting them go.
Also, keep in mind that a relationship with a narcissist is very much a power struggle—a struggle you didn’t know you were a part of.
Being emotionally controlled and controlled for a long time can take its toll.
Now that it’s over, you may feel emotionally drained. Again, this is completely normal.
But you need to remember that it takes time to recover and that you don’t need to fall back on them in a moment of weakness.
According to research, it usually takes at least 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends — so give yourself time to grieve and get over those feelings.
But remember:
Millions of people have gone through the pain of a breakup before, and they have successfully moved on to be a better, stronger human being.
It is a natural process that most people go through at least once in their lives.
But just like any other wound: heartbreak heals with time — and it will eventually move on.
Remind yourself why the relationship ended, and be glad you found your way out of the toxic environment.
It’s also important to get involved in hobbies and activities and to spend time with friends.
Because unless you focus your mind on something else, your mind will start thinking what ifs.
