It’s exhausting dating a narcissist.
On the surface, they’re charming and captivating, and make you feel like a million bucks.
On the other hand, they are manipulative, selfish, and do not care about your feelings.
If you have been in a relationship for a while with a narcissist, it may be difficult to leave them because they have made themselves the center of your universe.
But if they are a narcissist, leaving them will benefit your emotional health and your life, so you must maintain the courage to continue.
Here are 15 things you need to know about breaking up with a narcissist.
1) You will feel surprised and wild
If they break up with you, you will feel like you were in a car accident that you never saw coming. They won’t hesitate to rip the band-aid off without considering your feelings.
You will be left wondering what went wrong. no. Their reasons will be entirely about them – and nothing to do with you.
You won’t notice this breakup happening, especially if they love bombarding you, making you feel like you’re everything they’ve ever wanted.
The real reason they broke up with you is because they are done using you. Narcissists get involved in relationships to “get” something from the relationship.
According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissists are skilled at “exploiting others to get what they want” and “have an inflated sense of self-importance.”
The most likely scenario is that they won’t show any remorse or apologize for breaking up with you.
It’s brutal for you, but you have to realize who they are – they’re on their own and you’re better off without them.
They will leave and come back only if they can get something from you.
2) They will beg, plead, or even try to negotiate
Now, if you are the one who chooses to leave, be prepared for negotiation and pleading attempts.
They don’t like it when they don’t get what they want. And if they are still in a relationship with you, it means there is still something they want from you.
That’s why they won’t give up on you easily.
Most commonly, they “promise change.” They will immediately try to do things for you to make you feel amazing.
Once it becomes clear that you won’t budge, they’ll start threatening you by saying things like “You’ll be lost without me” or “You’ll never find a good person.”
Don’t worry, this is normal. You don’t listen and you are manipulated into getting back at them. Not worth it.
But don’t get me wrong, it won’t be easy to leave them forever. According to experts, on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away forever.
It is important to have the courage to stay the course. You will be very grateful in the long run.
3) Breaking the shock bond
In any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond – a connection between the abuser and the victim through intense and shared emotional experiences.
To leave forever, you will have to break this connection.
The reason this bond was so difficult to break was that it was addictive. You’ve been abused but then you’re rewarded with love bombs when you do something right by your abuser.
This can impact your mental health as you can experience recurring bouts of stress and sadness when you are abused, but then your levels rise when you are rewarded with good behavior.
The victim often doesn’t know what’s going on, because manipulation tactics and broken love put the victim in a cycle of self-blame and desperation to regain their partner’s affection.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself and break the connection.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is Ideapod’s very powerful free lessons on love and intimacy.
World-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the narcissistic people in your life so that you can empower yourself to make change. Most importantly, it will also teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from them.
Rudá Iandê is not a typical shaman.
As he spends time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and playing drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda made shamanism relevant to modern-day society.
He communicates and interprets his teachings to people living ordinary lives. People like you and me.
A word of warning. The teachings that Rudá shares in this course are not for everyone. It doesn’t help you avoid your fears or smooth over what’s going on in your life.
This course is for you if you value honest, direct advice and want to be honest with yourself about what is needed to change your life.
Here’s a link to the master class again.
4) After that, you need not to establish any connection.
No connection seems fairly simple, but it will require strength. You will have to block their numbers and delete them from social media.
Find out all the different ways they can contact you and shut them down.
This sounds difficult, but it is necessary. Narcissists are master manipulators and know exactly what to say to get themselves back into your life.
So the best way to avoid manipulation is to cut off contact with them and abandon communication.
In Mind Body Green, Anais Sattar, who was in a relationship with a narcissist, decides to see her partner again after months of separation. Here’s why it was a bad idea:
Also, keep in mind that it’s okay to break up with a narcissist via text — that way they won’t be able to manipulate you.
5) If you can’t avoid it, follow the “gray rock technique”
In short, the Gray Rock method enhances blending.
If you look around at the ground, you don’t usually see the individual rocks as they are: you see the dirt, rocks, and grass as a collective collection.
When we encounter narcissists, they tend to see everything.
The Gray Rock method gives you the option to blend in so that you are no longer a target for that person.
Live Strong says the Gray Rock Method involves remaining emotionally unresponsive:
If you can’t cut them out of your life completely, try to separate yourself from them as much as possible.
If you want to be in the same room with them, distract yourself with your phone. Don’t be present for conversations.
Answer short answers and don’t engage in the conversation.
At first, they will feel frustrated by your inaction, but eventually, they will see that there is no way forward with you and they will move on to someone else.
If they don’t get what they want: satisfaction from hurting or manipulating others, they will find another source of that satisfaction.
When the person enters the room, do your best to leave.
6) Think about the relationship so that your next relationship will be better
To break up with a narcissist, you need to reflect on the relationship and figure out what went wrong.
Although a narcissist’s behavior is never your fault, you must learn your lessons from the relationship so that your next relationship will be more successful.
And for women, I think the best way to ensure future success is to learn what motivates men in relationships.
Because men see the world differently than you and are motivated by different things when it comes to love.
Men (even narcissists) have a built-in desire for something “greater” beyond love or sex. That’s why men who have the seemingly “perfect girlfriend” remain unhappy and find themselves constantly looking for something else — or worst of all, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman they care about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He created an excellent free video about this concept.
You can watch the video here.
As James says, male desires are not complicated, they are just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior, and this is especially true for how men handle their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct is not stimulated, men are unlikely to be satisfied in a relationship. He’s holding back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. He will only fully “invest” in you if you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel necessary.
How do you stimulate this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend to be anyone else or play the role of “damsel in distress.” You do not have to compromise your power or independence in any way.
In a real way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to make it happen.
In his video, James Bauer demonstrates several things you can do. He reveals to you phrases, texts, and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more important to you.
By stimulating this very natural male instinct, you will not only increase his confidence, but you will also help take your (future) relationship to the next level.
Quiz: What is your hidden superpower? We all have a personality trait that makes us special and important to the world. Discover your secret superpower with my new quiz. Check out the test here.
7) Remove any connections in your life with the narcissist
Do you have any mutual connections on social media? Delete them.
It may seem harsh, but a narcissist will find any way possible to try to get you back.
And they won’t be shy about using your friends to do it.
Worse still, if they already know they can’t take you back, they may abuse your mutual relationship.
After all, they don’t care about your feelings. The only thing they understand is that you left them and they didn’t get everything they wanted from you.
So, if you want to move on with your life and start over, remove any attachments in your life that you have with the narcissist unless of course they are good friends and you can completely trust them.
Remember, the more relationships you have with your ex, the more chances they have to come back into your life.
8) Remember the reason you broke up with them
Now that you’ve ended the relationship, you’re probably feeling a little frustrated. It’s a big change.
But those negative feelings you feel may make you question your decision.
You may start thinking about all the wonderful times you had with your narcissistic partner. Feelings will come rushing back and regret bubbles will rise.
Don’t listen to those feelings. You have to keep in mind that they do not represent the relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, compliments are usually great — but when a narcissist gives them, they’re part of a technique called love bombing.
According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “showering someone with signs of adoration and attraction…designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”
So, to bring your mind back to balance, write down all the reasons that prompted you to break up with your partner in the first place.
In the end, this was a decision she did not take lightly. Remember these reasons, because if they are a self-serving narcissist, you have probably made a great decision for your future to get rid of them.
If the narcissist ends the relationship, write down all the negative aspects of the relationship. When you look at the relationship from the outside, there’s probably a lot of it.
For a deeper dive into strategies and techniques to help you get over your ex, check out my newest eBook: The Art of Breaking Up: The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of Someone You Love.
9) Be prepared because they will move on very quickly
Most narcissists recover quickly from a breakup because their feelings were never real in the first place. After all, they weren’t emotionally invested in the relationship and were simply using you to get something they wanted.
This is one of the reasons you might want to get rid of them on social media – it’s not entirely out of the ordinary for them to become charming and manipulate someone else within a week or two and post-romantic photos.
So, if you see them with someone else quickly, keep in mind that they are most likely “love bombing” them in an attempt to use them. Be glad it’s not you anymore.
Furthermore, according to Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. In psychology today, it’s a bad idea to assume that “someone else will get the good version of it.”
She says the “better version” doesn’t exist. The way I treated you is exactly the way your new lover will be treated.
Narcissists tend to be very stable in the way they act in relationships.
10) Get angry
Here’s counterintuitive advice if you want to break free from a narcissist: Get angry with him.
I believe that anger can be an excellent motivator to make a real change in your life. Including moving on from toxic relationships.
Before I explain why, I have a question for you:
How do you deal with your anger?
If you’re like most people, you repress it. You focus on having good feelings and thinking positive thoughts.
that understood. We have been taught throughout our lives to look on the bright side. The key to happiness is simply to hide your anger and envision a better future.
Even today, positive thinking is what most personal development “gurus” preach.
But what if I told you that everything you learned about anger is wrong? Could this anger – if harnessed properly – be your secret weapon to a productive and meaningful life?
Shaman Rhoda Yandy has completely changed the way I see my anger. He taught me a new framework for turning my anger into my greatest personal strength.
If you too want to control your natural anger, check out Ruda’s excellent lessons on turning anger into your ally here.
I recently took this course myself where I discovered:
The importance of feeling angry
How do I claim ownership of my anger?
A radical framework for transforming anger into personal power.
Controlling my anger and turning it into a productive force has been a game-changer in my life.
Rhoda Iande taught me that anger does not mean blaming others or becoming a victim. It’s about using the energy of anger to build constructive solutions to your problems and make positive changes to your life.
Here’s a link to the master class again. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached.
11) You will be sad
Even though they were narcissists, you likely had a strong emotional bond with them – even if they didn’t.
So, you’ll feel bad about it, and you’ll go through a grieving process. The more you accept and deal with these feelings, the faster you can overcome them.
Narcissists know how to charm others, and that’s exactly what happened to you over a long period. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel somewhat frustrated about letting them go.
Also, keep in mind that a relationship with a narcissist is largely a power struggle—one you didn’t know you were a part of.
Being controlled and controlled emotionally for a long period can take its toll.
Now that it’s over, you may feel emotionally drained. Again, this is completely normal.
But you have to remember that recovery takes time and you don’t need to fall back on it in a weak moment.
According to research, it usually takes at least 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends, so give yourself time to grieve and work through those feelings.
But remember:
Millions of people have gone through the pain of a breakup before, and they have succeeded in turning into better and stronger people.
It is a natural process that most people go through at least once in their lives.
But just like any other wound: heartbreak heals over time, and you will eventually move on.
Remind yourself why you ended the relationship and be glad you found your way out of that toxic environment.
