The boundary lines in our lives are often blurred because we make mistakes in one of two ways in calculating what belongs there and what doesn’t. Scott Peck, in his classic work The Road Less Traveled, divides these people into those he calls neuropaths and those who have a serious character flaw. (By the way, this is a must-read) The former takes the blame for everything while the latter takes the blame for nothing.
While some of us clearly fall into one of these two categories, most of us straddle the fence between taking responsibility for everything and denying guilt for anything.
If we take a closer look at both types, we see very different approaches to life’s inevitable shocks and difficulties. What is important is to be able to see each problem we face individually, know where our weaknesses lie, and make decisions accordingly. So first take a closer look at the two types of conditions. Remember, this is just a reference point, and not an attempt to diagnose anyone with anything.
Neurosis:
The clinical diagnosis of neurosis is a relatively mild mental illness not caused by an organic disease, which includes symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, and hypochondriasis) but not a radical loss of contact with reality. Borderlines (dictionary.com) In the clinical setting, neurosis interferes with regular daily functioning. However, in the general range of neurotic behavior, most of us display a moderate range of neurotic behaviors. For example, most people I know suffer from mild anxiety.
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The connection between neurotic tendencies and borderlines is the common belief that everything is our fault. World anxious people assume a higher level of control over their worlds than is possible. They therefore suffer greatly due to belief systems that include thoughts such as “If only I were perfect,” “It’s my fault that things went wrong,” “I made others behave badly,” and “It’s my job to make things right.” .
This type of underdeveloped self-absorption is often the result of neglectful or somewhat dysfunctional parenting. But the good news is that the anxious people of the world are often the first to seek help or educate themselves. If you’ve read here, you probably really want to achieve some balance and are worried that you haven’t achieved any yet.
personality disorder:
Definition This is an ingrained and maladaptive behavioral pattern of a certain type, usually appearing by the time a person reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in interpersonal relationships or in functioning in society. (dictionary.com) This is what Beck refers to when he talks about those with profound character flaws. Narcissists and borderline personalities fall into this field.
As with neurosis, one does not need to be diagnosed with a personality disorder in order to exhibit character flaws. Borderlines People with a narcissistic worldview or who may be more borderline (mood swings, fear of abandonment, unable to maintain relationships) exclude themselves from any guilt. The world is responsible for their misery.
This is a dangerous path to follow because it places all the responsibility for happiness and success on others. It is giving up the power of agency or self-control while trying to control others in order to obtain what is lacking.
Most psychologists will tell you that rehabilitating patients with personality disorders is next to impossible. But the truth is that very few of us reading this article have a personality disorder. Instead, we have some character flaws. We blame the hammer when it hits our thumb. We’re sure kids misplaced our keys. Sometimes we feel a little paranoid, or we reject others before they reject us. Checking ourselves for these types of flaws means that we know our own flaws.
Negotiating our internal border lines:
You’re probably like the vast majority of people and have some neurotic tendencies and some personality flaws lurking beneath the surface. Humans love rules (well, most humans, not this one). We’d love to have a map that says this is yours and this isn’t. We look at parenting books and self-help articles in order to find out what it is. But real life is very complicated and a number of self-help articles (like this one) are limited in scope, although sometimes very helpful.
The first step to knowing your true boundary lines, what is truly yours and what is not, is harsh self-examination. I remember reading a book by Cloud and Townsend called Changes That Heal. The book emphasizes that we are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. We are only responsible for ourselves. This was the first time I had ever heard this. It was life changing. My whole life I’ve assumed that my job is to keep everyone happy.
When I finally had the courage to finally tell my narcissistic first husband that it wasn’t my job to make him happy, he was surprised. I remember him sitting on the stairs digesting this. Then, in true narcissistic fashion, he asserted that although I may not be responsible for his happiness, I was responsible for his unhappiness. No progress was made in his heart that day, although it was open to me.
If you have areas in your life that are causing you pain, it may be appropriate to reframe your boundaries.
There are some hard and fast rules for forming boundary lines. For example, your body is a very clear boundary line. If someone hurts you, it is a clear violation of boundary lines that should never be crossed. However, the vast majority of boundary lines are a matter of personal preference.
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For example, many professors I know take turns. It is important for students to attend class. For me, I can’t remember to record unless it’s forced on me in some way. If students stop attending class, my assumption is that they either don’t care about their grades or I’m bored with them. One I have no control over. The other is that I need to up my game. Either way, the check marks on the page don’t mean much to me, but sharing does.
Borderline testing areas:
In order to start taking control of the out-of-control areas in your life, a few questions will help you in the sorting process.
The trick is to look at each problem in your life separately, and give it your full attention.
We are often lazy in solving our problems. An example of this is when our children fail to do household chores. We blame them for being lazy, but in fact, unless we give this problem some time and attention, we are also lazy. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve told myself I’m too tired to deal with disobedient children. Look familiar?
Here are some guidelines.
for whom? List of players in your problem. Can you clearly define their role versus yours? If not, your boundaries are blurry. Make sure you adjust your natural bent. If it’s all their fault, you’re probably wrong. If it’s all your fault, you’re probably wrong.
What is at stake? Who is most affected by this problem? If you’re dealing with employees who are chronically late, the entire workplace is affected. Do you have a friend who stands with you all the time? You are the one affected.
What is your job in this situation? What is theirs? If your list of duties is much longer than everyone else’s list of duties, then your neurosis is showing. Delegate some of these.
The only yard you have to mow is your own. If you spend a lot of your time doing other people’s work for them, you have to learn how to let others fail, even if it affects you. Interrupting natural consequences deprives others of the learning process.
But you have to mow it down. If your garden is a mess, you expect others to come in and take over for you. It’s time to stop waiting for the mess you make to clean up itself and/or blaming others for it.
Adult life is a continuous process of adaptation. Our free will is an enormous burden sometimes.
However, if you want your life to be manageable, you need to walk around your boundaries regularly, checking for broken fences and trespassers.
Taking on the burden of maintaining your own boundary lines is the basic maintenance required to achieve true balance in our lives.
