It is a situation in which every victim of narcissistic abuse finds themselves. After another argument, you ask yourself, “Am I irrational? Maybe I am the narcissist.”
You are understanding, merciful, and tender. When someone accuses you of acting out of line, take a step back and examine yourself.
You reflect on the times you’ve felt full of anger and outbursts in the past month. Maybe that’s right. You may be overly dramatic.
But wait. Something is not right. You can’t remember being drawn with resentment like this before you met the narcissist. Now that I think about it, don’t respond to others that way.
The truth is that you are not irrational and your anger is completely justified. It has nothing to do with being a bad person or being on the same level as the narcissist in your life.
The narcissist reframes your righteous anger as unfounded anger. It is an important tool that abusers use to normalize their narcissistic anger while distorting their real grievances.
Righteous indignation can be a powerful weapon for positive change, but you need to know how to harness and use it.
It’s not useless anger – it’s righteous anger
Righteous anger (or righteous indignation) is an emotion in reaction to abuse and abuse. It is similar to the feelings we have when we see a child being bullied by a parent or a defenseless animal being abused.
It is a natural response to a situation of injustice.
Anger is a completely normal reaction to injustice. However, narcissists see this righteous indignation as a weakness. You expressed your feelings and let your guard down – for narcissists, this is a weakness to exploit.
Narcissists of all kinds will try to put you in the spotlight by rewriting your righteous anger as irrational. Narcissistic parents in particular come to mind.
Imagine that your mother likes to point out your flaws to others. She has a good laugh and she enjoys it, but it hurts.
You’ve tried bringing this up to her on several occasions, but she always texts you and tells you to stop being so emotional. Perhaps you even dared to respond with some anger behind your voice, but this only served to fuel her narcissistic anger and escalate the situation.
At the end of the day what happened?
You’re starting to think she’s right – you’re just so sensitive. You also thought her behavior was normal and if you don’t want her to get angry, you shouldn’t bring up your problem again.
This is exactly how narcissists train us to believe that their abuse is normal. We believe that it is our behavior that needs to be corrected – not that of the narcissist. Maybe we are narcissists after all.
You have every right to be angry when someone puts you down, tries to control you, or uses you to boost your ego. This is righteous indignation, and it’s a perfectly normal reaction.
How is your righteous anger different from your narcissistic anger?
Righteous anger is a reaction to real injustice.
When non-narcissistic people feel angry, it is usually because someone has hurt them. We may not always respond the way we would like, but the source of the anger is usually justified.
When we react to our anger irrationally, we tend to feel embarrassed and regret it later. We feel the need to apologize for acting out of line when we let our emotions get the better of us.
Narcissistic anger comes from a different place.
This type of anger usually stems from an attack on the narcissist’s ego or the threat of an entire theatrical (thus throwing the narcissist into an existential crisis).
What does narcissistic rage look like?
Here are some examples of situations that trigger narcissistic anger to help explain how it differs from justified anger.
Someone offered reasonable and constructive criticism of the narcissist.
The narcissist is not the center of attention.
The narcissist has been caught lying, cheating, or otherwise violating any egregious social norms of behavior.
Someone threatened the narcissist’s sense of entitlement.
One referred to the narcissist’s manipulation, manipulation, or abuse.
The narcissist feels like they are losing control.
In general, narcissists’ reaction to anger is very irrational, and they will never feel any kind of remorse or need to apologize for their outbursts.
When a narcissist expresses his anger, it is almost always gratuitous. In the absence of a justifiable cause for anger, the narcissist will hold onto that mistake for months or years. Expect to hear about it every time you get into an argument and every time you talk about something the narcissist does to hurt you.
Keep in mind that narcissists can also use passive-aggressive rage to make life hell for their victims. Not all anger is blatant and loud – sometimes it is subtle, quiet, and cunning.
Stop responding to your righteous anger and train yourself to respond
The most important thing to understand at this point is that you are experiencing righteous anger. The narcissist has hurt and manipulated you. Don’t let them light you up into thinking you have no right to be angry.
You are not at all a narcissist in this relationship (whether that be a romantic partner, parent, sibling, or co-worker).
Even if you realize that your anger is righteous, it’s still hard not to react unreasonably. After all, the narcissist has trained you to respond in this way because responding to things irrationally is what works for them.
But by reacting out of anger, you are also giving the narcissist ammunition to use against you.
Non-narcissistic people respond positively to justified outbursts of anger. They immediately apologize and try to rectify the situation. However, narcissists only respond with more narcissistic rage.
How to deal with righteous anger and respond to it
Anger, sadness, fear, stress, and guilt are all normal feelings that are part of the human experience.
However, things start to turn south, when we make decisions based solely on these feelings without taking a step back and looking at things from a distance.
Anger is a very powerful and beneficial emotion. Many revolutions and positive social changes in the world begin with righteous indignation.
But what happens to the revolution when righteous anger runs the show, and there’s no one behind the scenes doing any logical political planning? It turns into violent chaos.
Although it is tempting to respond to the narcissist with anger, it does us no good and does not produce any long-term change. This short-lived adrenaline rush only gives you and gives the narcissist the much-desired supply in the form of your emotional outbursts.
The trick is to develop a healthy level of apathy. This takes effort, and you may fail many times but believe me, this is better for long-term results.
Here are some steps to help you process your righteous anger and move past your reaction so you can use it as a tool for change.
Play the tape. Addicts are often told to do this when they think about drinking or using. Play the tape in your head: What happens when you respond with anger? The narcissist will respond with anger and the situation will escalate. It will end as it always has.
Let yourself be angry. No, not in front of the narcissist. Go to a place where you can be alone – let out a primal cry and say whatever you need to say. do you feel better? If the narcissist doesn’t isolate you too much, call a trusted friend and let him or her out.
Start writing. Yes, writing down the word angry vomit is always good for venting, but it’s still too little to make any real change. Once you get rid of the emotional stuff, write a list of changes you can make to get out of the abusive situation you’re in. Start small if you must and set deadlines for everything.
Do something physical. Anger tends to build up in our muscles, which leads to the feeling of pain caused by stress. Find a healthy way to get it out. This can include punching a heavy bag or pillow (where the narcissist can’t see, of course), taking a relaxing bath, hugging a friend, or pampering yourself.
Reconsider your anger. This step is not necessary for everyone. However, if you have suffered from narcissistic abuse long enough, you may have started to detach and drift into helpless apathy aka learned helplessness. In this case, you will need to find the strength to get angry again so that you can realize that the situation is not normal, and changes must be made.
If left untreated, even righteous anger and the stress it causes can lead to a lot of unpleasant symptoms like ulcers, migraines, weight gain, strokes, and heart attacks. Don’t let narcissistic anger kill you.
Break free from the shackles of narcissistic rage for good
Acknowledging that your anger is valid resentment rather than unfounded anger is the first step to overcoming your abuse. You don’t accept the narcissist’s spotlight anymore. You know that your anger is justified, and you will now respond to it rationally.
