Of all the attachment styles, the avoidant attachment style is probably the one that leaves everyone confused. But what exactly is it, and what does it mean?
Most people have never heard of avoidant attachment and it is very important to understand this type of attachment so you know if you are doing it or are in a relationship with someone who behaves this way.
What is attachment avoidance style?
Avoidant attachment is the avoidance of intimacy, emotions, and confrontation. There are a lot of aspects to an emotional connection, and people who use avoidant attachment avoid them because that is how they are programmed early in life.
This is another childhood trauma. Children learn through repetition that it is not good for them to feel so they learn to avoid and suppress their emotions. Typically, the adults who grew up around them weren’t emotionally available or were unresponsive to what a child needs to feel safe and healthy.
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Children need to communicate with their parents or caregivers and crave closeness to them. Over time, the child learned that adults were not able to give them what they needed, so they stopped craving that closeness. They also stopped expressing themselves emotionally. The child has not learned that they are amazing and loved. They did not show any tenderness whether it was hugging, touching or kissing.
Perhaps the child grew up in an environment where adults were uncomfortable with feelings. They were unable to express their fears, worries, or grief. The adults in their lives couldn’t hold the space to express themselves without fear of being told, “You’re too emotional” or “Be tougher.”
They are only invalidated causing the child to start not trusting their own feelings because they are not validated. Children need validation. It lets them know that what they’re feeling is okay. By ignoring the child, over time they learn to avoid feeling.
Learning to handle life and getting validation is a earned job. The child only instinctively knows that he wants love. The story could be that the mother does not hug the child and the father cannot talk to the child. As the child continues to grow, they learn not to trust how they feel because of their situation. They will feel that they cannot trust people because people tend to get frustrated.
As an adult, you can spot this among people who avoid feelings at all costs. They avoid confrontation and feelings, and cannot handle stress, fear, or disappointment. There is an avoidance of saying, “I’m not good today,” if that’s the case. Having feelings and learning how to move through them is mental health.
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On the receiving end of this, you may be wondering if the person really loves you or cares about you. Or maybe you’re wondering why they don’t put more effort into the relationship. It’s important to know that it’s not that they don’t love you or want you to do more, but rather that being hurt in front of them makes them unable to experience the relationship you want.
You hit a wall and you don’t get to the core of this person because they feel that if you break down their wall and see them, there’s a fear associated with that – the fear of not being satisfied. There are many assumptions, and if they are narcissistic, this wall is high and made of heavy-duty bricks. It is not your responsibility to break it. They have to tear down this wall for that to happen.
This is where people get caught in abusive cycles. You can see that the wall is high, but you think everyone is a good person and you want to have the relationship you want. It is important to always remember that it is not your responsibility, and some people are not able to open the window.
You may also have a longing within you to heal this person. This is where people say they were attracted to their mother or father. You will always attract what you haven’t healed and it’s important to remember that. The ability to heal the previous wound will allow you to see the bricks and that person for who they are. You will realize that it will not work because this person is not ready to evolve.
Realize that you are attracted to this person because it is something you are trying to heal within yourself, or that you are attracted to this person based on your past experiences. Until you become conscious and healthy and tell yourself that you will not repeat these behaviors over and over again, you will repeat them.
If you are in a good relationship and this person tends to avoid confrontation, there are a lot of things that both of you need to work on to heal each other, but both of you must heal yourself. You can do things to give them space to heal themselves.
We all come to the table needing to work on things because none of us are perfect. What’s healthy is being able to find someone who actually works on themselves. You both grow together after that.
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The most important thing to recognize is the elephant in the room. If this person realizes that they are an avoidant because of their past when they become avoidant in a situation, can they return to the table to deal with the feelings and confrontation or continue their avoidance? If they continue to avoid her, then this is not someone who wants to take responsibility for their actions and improve the relationship, as well as themselves.
Consistency in any relationship is important. It may take years of consolidation to get there. When you are going through severe trauma, you will need a lot of reinforcement. You have to be patient with someone and give them the space they need, but also know that this has nothing to do with you. Maintaining your boundaries is also very important.
